He actually thought about me...

Every once in a while I cannot control my impulses and that usually leads to me sitting on my patio on a half a xanax and a nice pour of chilled vodka and a cigarette thinking "why did I do that?"

That didn't happen this time.

There is a lot that happened in the last few months that I haven't written about...mostly because the words would never come as they usually do when my fingers hit the key board and I'm not sure why, but I do owe a lot of people who follow this anonymously a lot of catching up...anyway...off I go on a side tangent again...

Lets get back and focus.

I just haven't been able to get "him" out of my mind...and I've even been out with other guys since he's been gone so I sitting at a stop light yesterday on my way to Easter Dinner #2, I sent him a text.  Watching hockey (which I had been at home earlier) made me think of you.  Hope you're doing great and having a good Easter.  I actually signed my name after the text in case he deleted my number (like I usually do).

I got a text hours later while I was in the shower and when I saw that there were two texts from him, my heart stopped and I was more than sure it was a text asking me to leave him alone.  Quite the contrary to my surprise.

In the first text ee said he hoped I was rooting for the Caps and he had spent the weekend skiing and fishing.  Did I get to hunt Easter eggs?
The second text said Thanks for texting, I thought about texting you a few times, but I didn't know if it would piss you off...

We texted for a while after that.  The only thing that I kept really thinking though was "he thought about me...maybe even missed me a little bit."

So I put the most of myself out there for him than I ever did and I should have the entire time that I had him in my life and sent him a text that said "I've missed you everyday".

I, for the first time ever have a regret in my life.  I regret that the one person I probably should have been open to, had been myself and the one person I should have told how much I really liked him and how I really felt, I didn't. 

Margaritas, Happy Hour and the Ex are a double edge sword...

I feel like someone smacked my face with a baseball bat. 
I think I look like one of those big puffy eyed gold fish.
One of the guys nicely told me this morning that I look tired.
The girls immediately asked what was wrong.
One of the women in my office came over and gave me a hug.
UGH.


WELL.  As for me, I think I am officially addicted to throwing myself (figuratively speaking anyway) under emotional buses.  Like things haven't been out of wack enough in my life, I thought it would be a good idea to take GC up on meeting up for Happy Hour last night...I mean, a good 7 months have passed.  I should be able to handle this, right?

  
We spent 3 hours talking about everything and nothing.  He told me he went to Maui for 9 days.  He didn't say with who, but he didn't have to.  He went with her and of course in my head I'm calculating how long they've been together and they're taking trips to Maui for over a week.  I promptly finished my frozen margarita as fast as I possibly could without giving myself a brain freeze, although it didn't seem like such a bad idea to give myself one at the time so I could stop feeling like someone was driving a dagger through the back of my head. 
OK, so really he never went into a lot of detail about his trip.  I could tell he was picking his way around his words trying to be very careful of my feelings, which was very nice and saddening at the same time.
He gave me the updates on all of his friends that I knew.  His sister had a baby.  He was still looking for another job.  He told me how it was a mutual split with the company he had started working for and the amicable split.
I told him that I was going to look at a condo, possibly to buy that I had heard about the day before on the radio, but it was almost too much of a serious commitment.  He asked if it was going to be big enough for two and I had an honest to God panic attack right there.  I asked him to stop talking about room for two because in my life there wasn't two.  Just me.  He said that I had to at least have a boy toy or two and that I just said no to...after all, while, yes, I might be seeing someone, its not serious or anything I needed to mention.  I didn't want to open the gate to that kind of sharing and I most certainly didn't want to give him an opening to talk about his girlfriend.
I did drop a lot of comments that I knew about her.  I told him that the ex-bestie had logged into her husbands facebook account and showed me the pictures that were posted of the two of them. 
I told him about friends besides Natalie that I'd lost in the past few months, I smoked in front of him, which surprised me as much as him considering how hard I tried to hide my smoking habit from him while we were together.
I told him about my Thing 1 and Thing 2 dates and we had a pretty good laugh about them.
He hugged me good bye when we left and it felt so good just to be hugged again.
I cried the entire way home wondering why my best wasn't good enough for him.  But then again, I realized that the way that I was with him wasn't very good either.  I wasn't in a right frame of mind and I'm sure that I was a lot for him to deal with.  The temper tantrums, the out bursts. 
I cried my heart out last night.  I cried for what was and what I'd wanted it to be...wanted it so badly that I still hurt from it.  Granted, not like I did before.  Its a different kind of hurt now.  Its that kind of hurt that comes from knowing what it was like to sleep wrapped up in his arms and to have someone to share things with.  It the kind of hurt that you have when you loved someone and you've had to let them go.  Its the kind of hurt that you have when you know that they have moved on and you wish you had anything to compare it to.  Its the kind of hurt that you have when you're lonely.
It was good to know that at least one person that I have had in my life doesn't hate me and it was so good for me to not harbor any hate toward him. 
It was totally a double edge sword for me.  It was great to see him.  Wonderful to talk to him and know that I have a friend. 
I miss the idea of what he was.  I miss the companionship, the daily phone calls.
I curled up with my bear again last night and tried very hard not to think that I am not enough, or so much to deal with that he left my life. 

So there you go.  Its quite a thing for me.  A pretty big mile stone to have spent time with someone that I loved very much and let him go without telling him that I missed him, or bringing some kind of sadness to our evening.  I couldn't say that I was happy for him, but I did wish him luck on the job search. 

OK, now onto how to figure out how to get my eyes all unpuffy and go out with the guy that I've been seeing for a little over a month now.  After all, while writing this,  just got a text from him simply saying "hey" with a smiley face. 

I wonder how he knew I needed that....

sometime I'll actually write a blog about him and let you guys in on where I've been for a while. 

xoxo,
Me.

Why am I at a stand still?

My life is NOTHING like what I pictured it to be.  I had a plan long ago and I was on that path.  Married early, kids by 27, good job, married...
Then I got divorced and went into what I call my Peter Pan stage.  I never thought I would actually ever get older.  I partied hard.  I would figure out life later.  All I wanted was to have fun. 
I turned into a party girl.  I drank all the time.  I was never serious about anything.  I never worried about the future.  I turned my back on growing up.  There would always be time to settle down, to worry about 401K's, retirement, a career, to go back to school...
I wanted to settle down and get married (again), but I wouldn't stop dressing like a stripper, I wouldn't stop getting wasted, I wouldn't stop my mouth and being mean to people, I wouldn't stop dancing on tables and bar tops.
I wanted a relationship, but I could not communicate.
I want someone to fall in love with me, but I haven't loved anything about myself in a very long time.  My self validation came from having a boyfriend. 
I wanted to be happy and I've always only been happy when I was in a relationship.  I expected the person I was with to magically make me happy.
I am now 34 and time has forced me to stop and look at the big picture.  All I see is failure.  A failed marriage (which I am glad failed), no real career, a person just floating through life waiting for it to happen.
I look at driven people that have goals and a plan.  They know what they want out of life and they go after it. 
I have drive, but I don't know what I want!!!
I used to be able to vision a future, now I wish someone would walk up to me with a crystal ball and show me something...ANYTHING!!!
I'm lost at 34.  I have dead end relationships with men that look at me and say "I don't think about you in that way" when I tell them I have feelings for them.
I used to define myself through my jobs, now that I have a job that holds about a 10th of the responsibility that I used to have, I cannot define myself that way.
I do nothing of importance.
My entire life is at a stand still.
When did this happen to me?

There's a smile on my face...

I'm running on 4 hours of sleep and nursing a horrible hangover, but good lord is there a smile on my face. 
He's that guy that you see out of the corner of your eye and he makes your jaw drop...and for some reason every fiber of your being WANTS HIM...and you haven't even spoken to him yet. 
I can't really even write this...I just have this stupid grin on my face from just thinking about him.  I salivate thinking about him.  I get giddy and shy thinking about him.  Thinking about him wants to make me buy pots and pans and learn to cook. 
This one isn't even referred to by a nickname.  This one has his actual name in my phone. 
This ones smile makes me grin.

I'm not sure if I have butterflies...I think they all might be sleeping off the alcohol we drank last night.  I'll tell you later if they show up.

xoxo,

ME

Brief adventures in online dating.

SO, just to let the rest of the world in on a little secret, I caved.  I let someone talk me into it.  *sigh* I joined an online dating site. 
Let me start out by saying, if you have life, don't do this.  There isn't any time to put in a whole lot of thought and make the answers to the same questions asked any better than the last 5 times you answered them.
Trying to be witty over email is exhausting.  Keeping up with your matches is exhausting and quite honestly, there were more than a few times that I just stopped answering emails for days, and when I finally did, my answers were cut and pasted from someone else I responded to. 
I didn't know if prince charming could be found on the Internet, but I figured I'd give it a try since a few of my friends have found their "perfect person" that way.
The first few days on this site was dis-heartening.  I'm sure these guys are really nice and super great, but I have to tell you one thing I figured out about myself very quickly.  I'm shallow.  Men's looks and cars they drive are important to me.  These guys were over weight or under weight, bald or getting there, or just had REALLY bad hair, bad smiles or just crazy looking (conjure up the crazy dude in the Shining...okay, maybe not THAT bad, but its damn close!!) 
Let me tell you, going online to look for a guy is NOT as exciting as looking for a pair of shoes or a cute swim suit or a sweater.  I really had to remind myself more than a few times that this site is for matching off of personality traits and things you have in common.  All the things that are supposed to be your foundation to building a "perfect" relationship.  I found the guys that were pretty funny and witty in their profiles and had decent pictures and started "communicating" with them.

After 2 months, fed up and just disgusted after countless questions answered, emails written and 2 bad dates, I happily canceled my account and I was more than a little excited about doing so.  The two free dinners I got out of this were not worth showing up for these dates and within 5 minutes wanting nothing more than to bang my head on the table over and over again, while prayers for death raced through my mind, softly muttering "beetle juice, beetle juice, beetle juice" believing that somehow I could be saved from enduring the dragging minutes until I could leave the torture.  
I am now a firm believer that if Henry VIII had figured out this form of torture he would have never beheaded Ann Boleyn.  He would have set her up on this dating website and watched her suffer slowly. 
By the way, Beetle Juice never did come to rescue me, however, glass upon glass of wine made the time pass a little easier. 
That fact alone made me come to the conclusion that if I don't stop drinking my favorite delicious wines on these horrible dates, I will begin to associate wonderful glasses of Pinot Noir with socially inadequate men.  Like a dog starts to associate bad behavior with being smacked and getting thrown into its kennel. 

With that statement, let me tell you about horrible date one and bad date two.  Yes, I am saying that like Dr. Seuss talks about Thing 1 and Thing 2, and actually that might be a good way to refer to them so I can "protect the innocent".

Thing 1.  Thing 1 started off with great emails.  The electronic word banter back and forth was charming, witty, funny and they made me smile.  I actually looked forward to opening up my gmail every day and reading his emails.  His pictures were cute.  Brownish/blond hair, nice eyes, funny.  He had a lot in common with me.  I showed my friends his pictures, they were equally as stoked.  Emails lead to phone calls, naturally.  I logged 3 1/2 hours of phone time on the first call and 2 hours the second call.  Of course I said yes to dinner. 

Sarah came over for a glass of wine and to help with outfit selections (lord knows I can't make a decision for situations like this to save my life).  She walked out with me when he got there to pick me up.  He got out of the car and I wanted to stop dead in my tracks and turn around and run to Sarah's car, jump in and never look back.  He looked like his pictures alright...15 years ago.  F.M.L. 

Okay, so I was going to suck it up and make the best of this situation.  Hey, I've dated a not so attractive guy because I was enthralled with his personality and his laugh, charm, wittiness and intelligence.  At my suggestion we were going to Max's.  Yes, Max's.  Where Mayo and I have spent countless hours happily getting trashed at the back bar, where Sarah and I had our first happy hour together that bonded us for life, the same night that I met Cornell, the same place where Alex took me on our first date.  The place of happy, happy memories.  The place were The Beautiful Bartender works, and even though he is married, he still makes me drool.  This place is like my own little Disney Land, my very own Happiest Place on Earth.  Where hopes and dreams come true and makes you believe in "when you wish upon a star..."

This date made my Happiest Place on Earth feel like The Sea Witches den.
UGH.
There was none of that great banter in person like on the phone.  Maybe my entire demeanor which I was trying really hard to hold in check was not what I was trying to make it out to be.  Maybe I couldn't hide the fact that I didn't want to be there.  I mean yes, I was being a little brat, hoping that after an hour or so with me he would never want to talk to me again but he was actually being kind of a downer and more than a little bit of an ass.  Especially when I asked him face to face what firm he was a Securities Trader for.  I had asked via email, I asked on the phone and both times the question was avoided or he somehow made me think that he forgot to answer the question. 
He couldn't hide or avoid now.  The guy was a self employed Securities Trader and the market was not being good to him.  I think I choked on my wine at that point.  I do know it was that point I really started to wish for Beetle Juice.  A good Securities Trader would be doing okay right now - IF he was good at what he did!!!  When dinner as over and the check came he gave the waitress his credit card and said "if that one doesn't work, I've got a few others to try".  I was HORRIFIED.  MORTIFIED.  I almost took his card and gave it back to him and paid for dinner myself, but I thought, HELL NO!  I endured this, he can pay for dinner, especially for the false advertising and posting pictures that were from 15 years ago.  I shoulda ordered Lobster and a $70 bottle of wine as punishment for that alone. 
When he drove me home, I leaned over and gave him one of those quick hugs as a thank you while trying not to make it obvious that I was trying to claw my seat belt off.  I think I had the door open and was trying to jump out of the car before the seat belt fully retracted.  He told me he was wanted to walk me to my door.  I quickly said "No, its cold outside but thank you" as I leapt out of the car and SPRINTED as fast as my boots could carry me back to the safe haven of my apartment.

A week later I went out with Thing 2.  Fun phone calls, very charming, I was actually really excited about this one. 
I was smart this time and met him at the restaurant.  When I walked up, his head went down.  He didn't look at me for 90% of the hour and a half we spent at dinner.  At least his photos were accurate.  He wasn't bad looking, but where was the fun, confident person that called me every night for the last week that talked to me about EVERYTHING? Religion, ex's, kids, porn, biographies, Jersey Shore, the soccer team he coached and cooking?
He spent most of his time looking out the window or his beer, pushing his beer around his side of the table and then to my horror said, well I feel like I know you well enough to share my most embarrassing story".
I started to pray that a 7 point earthquake would happen.  NOPE. 
Let me share this story with you.  A co-worker came to work with strep before he was supposed to take off for Amsterdam for a work trip.  He did go to the doctor, but it was too early to test for strep, so off he went to Amsterdam where he started getting sick for a few days and by the time he got back to the US he was peeing blood. 

THIS MUST be the way the normal women in Twin Peaks must have felt.
(OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY, HE WAS TELLING THIS STORY WHILE I WAS TRYING TO FINISH MY RISOTTO.  FML!!!!)

To finish the story with a coup de gras he ends up telling me that the doctors prescribed him antibiotics for Chlamydia.
(I really just wanted to bang my head on the table...)


I'm very very sure that Thing 1 and Thing 2 will have a lot of things to say about me that they didn't like.  I fully expect that.  I'm not perfect, obviously from how many PAST relationships I've had that I'm not perfect.

Online dating may work for some people and I've witnessed those relationships with my very own eyes. 
Those people say it takes time and you have to go on a lot of dates to find that person.

Thanks, but no thanks. 

I mean really, I think the Universe has a great sense of humor, but I don't really find this very funny...

I'll go back to trying to find one in a bar. 

xoxo,

Me.

Profound or not?

Before I left to go home for vacation it was like I was drowning.  Drowning in anxiety, depression, anger, resentment, loneliness, hurts and what felt like betrayal. 

Try as I might have to keep as much of a smile on my face and present a positive attitude, the feelings above made me feel like I was gasping and gulping for air.  Every day was counting minutes that I was climbing walls.  All I wanted was just to escape life and get back home as fast as I could. 

Going home was like being given an oxygen tank.  It was like I could breathe and I knew things would start to get better. 

The moment I was home among family was like throwing my entire life out in front of me.  Situations and feelings all scattered before me like they knew it was time to figure out what I needed to do with them.  Each day they followed me, each of them needing to be dealt with and finally I got that time to do so.  That day came 4 days after I got home. 

My mind had finally been quiet for a few days, there were no every day distractions like I had at home to prevent me from dealing with what I needed to.

It was a cloudy day.  The sun and rain alternating.  It was like this day knew it was going to be a profound day for me. 

I stood on the beach, not swimming, no surfboards, no paddle boards, my family with me and at the edge of the ocean, I let the water run up over my feet, up my shins, swirl around me and issue after issue presented itself.  I have no idea how long I was in that spot, but I felt a rush of peace.  Peace that I have been wanting and needing for over two years now.  I took my anger, hurt, and months of pain and loss that needed to be dealt with that I had been holding onto and for some reason it was gone.  It was like the ocean swirling around my feet was taking the past hurts and resentments away from me.  I let it go and let the ocean take it, I let it go to the sky.  I spent a lot of time in my head that day and I made a choice.  I had to let things go and make a choice to be happy.  Let go of everything I cannot change.

I cannot help the way I feel when I love someone and yes, it hurts when they reject it.  I held onto wanting to love them, thinking that if I kept loving them it would somehow make things better.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Be it a boyfriend, lover, friend, when they hurt you to a point of sadness and tears, sometimes it is accidental, and although sometimes accidental, it is a wound so deep that at that point you know.  That inner voice shushes out the everyday noise and it becomes crystal clear "Walk away". 
Come to terms with the pain and sadness and forgive that person for what they did to you, hold no malice or anger toward them, just let go and walk away. 
Sometimes there is just nothing else you can do for yourself.  Sometimes you just have to deal with the fact that you cannot make everyone happy by taking all of their anger, hurt, frustration and sadness into yourself.  There is just a point that your soul cannot take anymore.
That day it was like a part of me shut off.  It let go.  I don't know how it happened, it just left and I walked away from the ocean and up the beach with a weird feeling.  I looked and searched myself for that anxiety, that pain, the depression.  It just wasn't there.

I also got some very nice time with my father.  I'm pretty sure that that had a lot to do with a lot of what I have been searching for. 

I felt loved, I felt an appreciation for my family that surrounded me.  The smiles and hugs from my niece and nephew.  The time with my dad.  Actually HEARING this time and believing that I was missed and that I was very very loved.  For the first time in a very long time I felt like my feet were firmly beneath me, that nothing was out of control. 
I know now that my love may not be returned, that some people are just supposed to be friends, that some people must fade from life in order to make room for my sanity and well being.  I cannot make anyone else happy but myself.
I just need to forgive what hurts and pain were done to me, and that I must make peace with it being OKAY to let those people go.  Just let go.
Like the words from the Zac Brown Band that my friend Meghan reminded me of:

You keep your heart above your head and you eyes wide open
So this world can't find a way to leave you cold
And know you're not the only ship out on the ocean
Save your strength for things that you can change
Forgive the ones you can't
You gotta let 'em go

There were no tears, there is no self pity.  There is just a peace, if you can call it that, of shutting emotions off and walking away from what I have no control of.
I came back to Denver with an open heart, open mind and a sense of control and peace.
I will never find my happiness by trying to make other people make me happy.  I can only love those who love me back as much and I need to open myself up to being okay with acknowledging that. 
I needed to accept myself, I cannot be someone else, I cannot love anyone enough for two people.
I'm back with a freer heart and a deeper respect for those in my life who genuinely care.  My new years resolution is to surround myself with friends that have a healthy respect for people around them, face life with a smile and an open heart, be kind to everyone and give out exactly what I want back from life and the people that surround me.   
I go into January a better person than I left December.  I feel loved as I have only craved to be.  I did not find it in some guy.  I found it by realizing that it had been around me the whole time, I was just looking in all the wrong places.
I am so grateful for the time back home, the actual opening of my eyes to my surroundings and for the ability to finally realize that I do matter to people.  My feelings, my well being were worried about.  People that I didn't think I mattered much to showed me differently, showed me that I mattered in their lives and that they were happy that I was apart of theirs.

My father gave me the greatest gift.  Even though it was in the form of a Christmas card, he told me that I needed to read that card, don't look at the money that was in it.  Read that card.  My dad may not be the best at expressing feelings, but it meant so much that he was the one who told me that I needed to read those words.

I don't know how long this will last, but I do know that should I start to feel like I am drowning again, I just need to go home.  I need to go back to my roots, to the ocean, to my family.  I cannot stand on my own without these things.  I don't know that I could move back there, but I do know that home is always waiting for me with open arms to help me.

xoxo,
Me.

Thougths and stuff

My drive into work this morning gave me an insane urge to write.

I don't think I will ever get over the beauty of watching the sun rise and the colors that explode and paint the sky.  The mountains themselves a wonderous contrast; the purpleish foothills against the stark white snow covered peaks that are surrounded by beautiful pinks and blues of the sky.  Photos never do it justice.  I've tried.  I just sit at the same stoplight on early mornings like this and feel at peace and at the same time feel the urge to want to strap on my snowboard and just be up there.  I wish that there was a lift at a resort that was open that early.  Maybe once I get good enough to be like those snowboarders that just glide effortlessly down the mountain it will happen.  One day I would like to glide down the mountain with the beauty of a sunrise such as the one I experienced this morning.  On days like these with views like that, I just feel like I want to burst out of my body and fly.  Weird?  Maybe, but these are the only words that I know how to describe it.

CB called me last night.  We chatted for a very long time...saying everything, yet saying nothing.  He kept saying he missed me.  I dreamt about him all night last night.  Its hard to be indifferent and distant when someone has somehow kept a part of you...and you want nothing more than that person...connections like this are hard to come by.  We both know this, distance and circumstance make anything impossible. I wanted my romantic movie experience.  I am living it.  However, I would like to skip to the last scene and see how this plays out.  Its strange to feel about your life the way you do while watching that romantic comedy where the two main characters meet, fall in "something", lust, want and need each other and something always keeps them apart.  You want to scream at them, "JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN ALREADY!!", and then it takes them 20 or so years to finally be together.  Why the hell did I watch Letters to Juliette the other night???  Because I am a sucker for romance.  I am in love with love.  I want to be in love because there is nothing more amazing than feeling those butterflies and it feeling like the world is spinning or you are spinning and falling at the same time, yet your feet never leave the ground and everything looks brighter, fuller, wonderful.  I love loving someone with everything that I have.  Wanting to make them smile, not being able to stop thinking about them, wanting to be with them because its almost painful to be apart.  **sigh**

Counting hours until I leave for Hawaii...I feel like I can't breathe here.  Almost the way I felt leaving there.  I'm so homesick for the ocean and the air, the sun and family.  I'm homesick for everything familiar and I'm exhausted.  I need to go home.  I need my family.  I just need to "be".

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays to everyone out there who reads my words...Whoever you all are :-)

xoxo,
Me.