Goodbye is always a sad thing...

I said goodbye to CB today.  I asked him to leave me alone.  Not for good, not forever, but definitely for now.  He came in a day early for his business trip to see me.  He made that effort, and I am SO glad that he did!!!  I just smiled when I saw him at my door and didn't really let go of him unless he was in the bathroom. 
When he is around its like I'm lifted into an alter reality where everything is wonderful.  Everything is bright.  The sun shines just for us and I am transported into this elated person that shines from the inside.  He brings out everything that is good in me.  He makes me want to throw my head back and laugh, to spread my arms open wide and spin in circles.  His presence takes me to "that place" in life that I crave.  I long for.  That I want so badly.  His smiles are just for me - he smiles AT me.  He is the fairy tale come to life that I have always imagined.  It is like being with someone I have known forever.  Even though I haven't.  Its very corny but its like I have known "him".  Like somehow we may have been together in some other lifetime. 
Until its about time for him to leave.
Then the world gets dark, the tears start to flow.  I get bitter and angry.  I get angry at myself for being sad and frustrated when I knew very very well what I was getting into.
Even though I never expected THIS.
He's like heroine. 
I asked him this morning before the sun came up and the alarm went off, and I was being held tight, if I should even try to keep seeing him, or if he even wanted to.  And he was silent.  I laid there for a while and felt the all too familiar feeling of things coming to an official end.  That familiar feeling of being an "option" and not a "priority".  That knowing without words being said that what you both felt in the beginning is only a one sided thing now. 
I understand all of the things he's got going on that he's told me about, the traveling he's doing, the options he has and the decisions he has to make makes it hard for someone to want to add a long distance relationship to the mix.  It also made me realize that I know NOTHING about this man really.  Our world was not anything real.  It was made up for two people who had instant and insane chemistry.  Who clicked and bypassed all the "rituals" of getting to know someone.  We got into something neither one of us really planned on and I think that in my last few hours in Austin with him - this insane thing that we both somehow spiraled into exploded in both of our faces with emotions that left us both kind of wondering "what IS this"??  Well, I can't really speak for him, but I left feeling that way. 
What happened that this man had my head spinning and my heart fluttering and thinking about leaving a state that I have grown to love and friends that I have grown to love as my family?  What did he do to me to make me want to get on a plane back to him as fast as I could and never leave his side? 
Who am I kidding - I know EXACTLY what it was.  It was months and if I really think about it years that I've wanted that kind of affection.  I've begged for it.  Cried for it.  Wanted it so badly that the minute I found just a taste of it, I would have willingly given up everything for it. 
He never made promises.  He got over it faster than I did.  And its because he has so much going on in his life that he has other things that are a priority over some fantasy relationship that never really existed beyond a few days.
I have known deep deep down that things would end.  I hoped that they didn't.  Quite truthfully, being that besotted, that engrossed with a fantasy is almost like being the women that movies like Single White Female and Fatal Attraction are written for.  Although I give myself a little more credit than being crazy like that.  Were I that crazy I would have bought a plane ticket and showed up on his doorstep asking him to marry me.
I never thought that I would get that swept up.  That swept away.  Its easy to do with a fun, charming, self confident man like that.  That man that knows what he is capable of and has a zest for life. 
Maybe right now isn't our time.  I know it hasn't been very long since GC and I split.  I still need to work on ME.  I need to be single.  Get confident in myself and give myself room to breathe and grow.
I will find that person that I am supposed to be with.  But I need to stop making that my main focus in life.  I am not Charlotte York.  I'm not going to make Husband Hunting my main priority. 
I wish it would snow already so I could take a nice drive up to the mountains and take my snowboard out for a while.  I may not be any good at it at all, but I do love being up in the mountains and riding down on the snow, listening to that sound as my snowboard sails down the slopes taking me with it...
I feel like I've lost something today.  Even though I haven't.  I know that CB is a phone call away.  He probably always will be now.  I just wish that I could have a little more of that feeling that he gave me.  I wish the world would melt away.  I want my world where only he and I exist and there is only fun to be had. 
My apartment feels empty without him in it.  Almost the way it felt empty after GC walked out for the last time. 
I think it might just be me that feels empty. 
Our goodbye this morning was hard.  It was sad.  It was more than a little painful and more than just a little expected and definitely due.  I buried my face in his neck for what may have been the last time.  Put my head on his shoulders and kissed him goodbye.  I know its time for me to get back to reality.  To stop constantly thinking about him.  Let it be what it was and will be or not be.  It was an experience that I am happy for.  He gave me back my smile and my hope.

Pondering

So last night as I'm putting my laundry away the girl next door is having crazy ass sex next door.  The kind that you scream "Oh Fuck YES!" like a billion times in a row.  Made my stomach turn.  What if I never have sex like that again?  I wonder if my craving for it leads me to these type of men that I date.  I've only had bad sex once, and I dumped him right after. 
Which lead me to the next thought.  I have a high list of demands when it comes to the men that I date, as I'm sure that every girl has.  I just wonder how on earth some of them can find the right one and be super happy.  When I think I find the right one, I'm not the one for them.  SO RIDDLE ME THIS - How do you find that one that fits for more than 7 or 8 months?  Where do you find the cute, smart, funny, amusing, friends like him, entertaining, knows how to cook (cause lord knows I don't), is a total gentleman, knows how to have great sex and still wants to settle down.
I think this person only exists in my mind - its the downfall of watching too many Disney Movies as a child and then watching too many "chick flicks" as a teenager to an adult. 

And I throw this out to the world, to the different men in the Universe.  Where is my other half??  I refuse to believe that I was put on this earth to live eternally alone at the mercy of my friends to spend time with me. 

I can only think that I would like to go back to the last 4 ex boyfriends and ask them - what was it?  Where was I lacking?  I know I should learn to cook and probably clean my own house and do my own laundry - I just don't see the point.  When I cook for myself, I'm full before I even sit down to eat.  I laundry is just something I have always despised although when I was with someone I didn't mind doing it...I just hate folding and putting away.  And as for cleaning my own house - well, for my entire life, I have NEVER been able to clean like a great wife or fiancee should.  For me the dirt just never goes away - and the cleaning products ruin my nails.  OK.  I'll work on that too.

FYI gentlemen, the constant party girl is pretty much gone in a way of appearing full force at every opportunity.  Dancing on bars doesn't appeal to me anymore and neither does dancing on tables.  Chairs maybe, but only on very special occasions.  I've started on working on being nice to people and keeping those very nasty thoughts to myself which used to come out before I could shut my mouth and keep them in.  Of course there is the occasion that it will come out - but only amongst my very good friends.  OH, and I have grown up REAL furniture that doesn't make my little apartment look like a college dorm room anymore. 

**sigh** I need a new car now.  I got the new bed and bed frame delivered today along with this great huge mirror that matches, new sheets, pillows, a whole new bed set.  I'm slowly purging my closet.  I also need new shoes.  More new shoes. 

I think I slept last night without dreaming about him.  Slowly each day fades him a little further.  It doesn't mean I don't miss him like crazy anymore, but each day all the sadness I feel is vanishing.  I know the worthlessness that I felt on a daily basis is fading.  In actuality, I almost feel somewhat relieved.  I still wish that I could have been the one for him as he had been for me, but there is a reason that it is what it is and he gave me a lot in our relationship, more than I think he ever knew.  He made me want to get to know this grown up person that was smothered by the ever crazy party girl.  That grown up person is a stranger that I am getting to know.  I'm almost 34 and I'm just now being introduced to myself. 

I hope there is someone out there that I can have great amazing crazy sex with like the girl next door had last night.  I can't lie, I was extremely jealous and I felt that twinge that happens when I wish GC was still around.  I'm sure someday someone will turn my head as well as heart.  He'll be smart, he'll challenge me mentally, and hopefully we'll have chemistry that was greater than anything I experienced with GC.  Until then, I'll just keep buying stuff and shut my glass door so I can't hear the girl next door.  I wonder if she knew that she had an audience of a few guys that were outside by the pool listening to everything, having a few beers and could more than likely see everything...