I made sure I looked fantastic. Hunter Green pencil skirt, super sexy yet business like black top, insane push up bra (come on now...I'm entitled). Hair done, make up flawless...I answered the door with a smile. I've got a darker tan (if that was even possible), my hair blonder and 12 pounds lighter than when I last saw him.
He walked in and saw the new furniture, new comforter, the entire apartment re-arranged. I showed him the new little SUV that I bought. We had a beer and chilled out and sat next to the pool and talked for a bit. I told him about my awesome review and the plans that my boss and I have laid out, how my company will help pay for school when I start after hurricane season. He said he read Natty's blog about that 14ner I climbed and said he was really proud of me. It was the greatest feeling in the world to have him walk into my life and see everything that I have changed, to have him see that I am not that crying, whining, clingy little girl that I had somehow become with him. It was great to have him see me with quiet confidence in myself. But when he asked how I was doing, it got painful for a moment. I felt the tears sting the back of my eyes and I took a deep breath and looked at him, gave him a half smile and truthfully told him "I'm getting there".
It wasn't a moment of revenge, it was a moment that I held close. He was there next to me, still talking to me, not an ounce of hate or animosity between us. Just two broken people who somehow found each other. I am a better person for having had him in my life as he was, as our relationship had been. I don't think it should have been any other way, but I am an even better person for him taking himself away from me.
It was almost a numbing feeling to see him there, so close, sitting next to me and talking to me like he has done so many times before when I felt so horrible about myself and felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I could almost feel the iciness of the walls around my heart that have developed over the last few weeks and I wondered if this is how he felt all the time, and that thought made me a little sad. I know the ice around my heart will melt someday and I will be open and giving as I was with him with someone else. For now, the ice has gone up and is protecting me as I stumble through my life as it is now. Picking my way across unfamiliar terrain like I did on Mt. Sherman, taking one step up, only to have it slide half way down. Little victories followed by a few set backs like tears, loneliness, sadness. I can't see where this path that I am on is taking me, all I know is that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and just know that I will get there, just like I got to the summit.
When he left, I hugged him a little too long. It was nice to put my head on his chest just for a second or two and let out a huge sigh. He paused as I let him go and stood at my doorway looking almost unsure of what to do next. I gave him a little smile and said goodbye. I didn't say I would see him soon or again for that fact. I let him go without pain or struggle and let a few tears fall after I shut the door.
Then I picked up my purse and headed out to dinner with ML and AH. As I sat down, I realized that I wasn't "heavy" anymore. I am still out of sorts with myself and uncomfortable "single", but I smiled as I poured myself a beer and filled them in with what just happened.
They smiled with me, told me how proud they were of me and reassured me that the one will come along. I wondered when I would ever feel the want to let down the walls and possibly date again and let someone get close.
And then a guy walked into my line of site. Chiseled features, a smile that put GCs to shame, something about him just made me watch and when he turned a faced me I actually kinda gasped for air. Wonderful to look at, fun to watch from afar. The girls urged me to go talk to him, to write my number on a napkin and give it to him. I smiled and knew as easy as that would be, now was just not the right time for me. I need to give myself time to get to know me, to heal, to grow and set secure with who I am.
I did however stop off at his table on our way out, tapped him on the shoulder and looked down at him and said " You are the most beautiful thing I have seen all day". He looked at me and said "I would say the same thing about you". I smiled at him, said thank you, lifted my head and my shoulders squared up and I walked away.
It wasn't about revenge today, but my god, whatever it was, it was absolutely sweet.
