WHOA...hang on a second here...WTF is going on??

I jumped on a plane and headed for Texas Friday night.  Austin to be exact.  I know.  WHAT THE FUCK.
I have avoided Texas since the day I left.  I have been back twice since I was 21.  Both times I had to be told I needed to go.  Once was for work.  I mentally clawed the air trying to get time to speed up so I could get back to Colorado.
This time the plane I was on couldn't fly fast enough.  Toward Texas.  Even I am still in disbelief. 
Its because HE'S there.  With those incredible blue eyes and a great smile and that incredible laugh and those arms that envelope me when he hugs me.  Just being around him drowns out the rest of the world...
and by the way...I'm pretty sure that he and I put the girl that lives next door to me to shame this weekend.
We ate, we drank (A LOT), explored, went for a walk.  He plugged my phone in for me every night because I'm always on it and I forget to charge it.  He made the local coffee place make me their version of a soy mocha frapp while I took a shower.  He slept with his arms around me and I was happily sandwiched between him and the 100 lbs yellow lab he was watching for the weekend.  I slept deeply and soundly and his snoring didn't bother me a bit.  Not once was I plagued with nightmares...
I wondered how on earth two people could spend just a few days together and be as attached as we've gotten.  He had a panic attack.  I couldn't hold back my tears.  He kept telling me to stay, not to leave.  It made it that much harder to stop the tears.  It was something that bewildered both of us and neither of us could figure out where it came from. 
How do we fit so well together?  Even just holding his hand...When I have my head on his chest it feels like two puzzle pieces that just fit. 
What do you do when you live States away and everything is new?  I offer that question out to the world...I know not to focus on him.  I know that this is two weeks I know that this is a rebound but what if its not?  What if everything I have ever wanted in a man, and everything I didn't know could exist is HERE? 
I need to regroup.  Be by myself for a little bit again.  Come back to reality and stop looking at airline flights.  Stop wondering if I could give up this state that I have come to love and the people that are in my life.  I've had TWO weekends.  TWO. 
God I really need to stop watching Chick Flicks...
UGH.

I wish I could live "now" forever...

I really do wish I could live life now as it is forever.  I know that won't ever happen, but right now, this moment in time, the last two weeks have been probably some of the happiest days I can remember since I moved to Colorado.
I feel as though I have my feet planted, thoughts are not so scattered, I smile, started working out again...AND...I climbed my second 14er. 

(Note the date is from someone else - I just borrowed a sign left in the box - the date of this photo is actually September 26, 2010)

Length: Approx. 8.75 miles roundtrip, Highlights: Highest Peak in Colorado, Great views of Leadville, Twin lakes, Mt. Massive and the intrinsic satisfaction derived from standing on the second highest point in the continental U.S. Elevation Gain: Approx. 4,700 ft. - information from Summit County Explorer.

Yessiree Bob!!! Over 8 hours of hiking up and up and up...Not so much of a life changing or altering experience this time, it was just an overall STELLAR experience.  Of course I give that up to the company I was with.  There were no tears, not a minute of hypervenalating, not a moment of dispair.  Don't get me wrong, it was a killer of a hike, I still cannot breathe that well in higher elevations and the last 600 feet was excruciating - We hiked up over 4,000 feet!!!

This was my hiking crew from L to R Me, CM (besties hubby),Nat (BESTIE),SW(this was her first 14er and she rocked it),MD,Anna & ND. 

MD was my hiking buddy for 90% of the trip up - I'm sorry to say, but i'm kinda glad she had a lot to drink over the weekend so I had someone take up the rear behind me...Nat was upfront most of the way with her INSANELY packed backpack - overloaded with snacks, water and gear and I think she may have packed half the house in there too...She called it training for Everest...I don't doubt she will either...

I sang during some parts of the hike, smiled almost the entire trip, even ran down a little bit of the mountain...

We almost got lost in the woods coming back - my biggest fear, but with CM bushwacking through and a crazy log river crossing we made it back to the car.  Everyone tired, happy and really hating shoes at this point.

It took me two days to get to where I could walk almost normally again.  I have never in my life ever felt pain like that in my life.  I went to a Rockies game on Monday night and almost cried trying to get down the stairs at Coors Field. 

So now, life is just anxiously waiting to board that plane to Austin on Friday...we'll see if these stupid damned storms keep me away from making life 100 % perfect....

Giddy doesn't even describe it...

A month ago if you asked me if I thought I would be deliriously happy, I would have laughed at you and said not only no, not only hell no, but I would have said Oh Hell Fuck No.
Don't get me wrong, I've been having a blast with my friends and getting pretty comfortable by myself.  I love my standing Happy Hour, loving the random "get down here" to some bar phone calls...
Then I get a random text from a guy friend, and then I agreed to be his date to a wedding.  He'd broken up with his girlfriend and I was as recently single.  Come to Crested Butte and be my date for the weekend for this wedding. 
Oh yes, there was a TON of uncertainty on my part.  A weekend with someone that I don't really know all that well at all...what if we don't get along and how am I going to get home??
I'm still in awe over this weekend...

It was a worry for nothing.  We had the most incredible weekend!!!  We laughed, we explored Crested Butte, we watched football.  He danced with me, hiked with me, was goofy with me, held my hand, was proud to stand next to me, put my shoes on for me after dancing at this wedding,

 (yes I have pictures)

bought me a new winter jacket (it wasn't him buying the jacket or that I even expected it...it was that he wanted to make me HAPPY!!!!).  At the end of our wonderful weekend, driving back to Denver, I couldn't stand the thought of him dropping me off and heading back to Texas.  Since he volunteered to drive the bride and grooms Suburban back to Texas, it was very easy to convince him to stay the night with me at my place.  Just one more night.  I don't want to let you go yet!!!  (Yes, kids, the new bed got broken in thank you!!!) I liked having him there with me.  I briefly thought of GC and sitting with him in tears telling him I couldn't imagine anyone else in my apartment with me but him...well...HAHAAHAAA!   When I couldn't sleep that night, he put my head on his chest and in the most calming voice counted backwards from 40 and held me close until I fell asleep.  WHO DOES THAT??  YES, I understand this is a rebound.  But I deserve to be THIS happy.  I deserve to know what its like to not have to tread on eggshells to be around someone.  I could kiss him in front of his friends and work colleagues if I wanted to.  I could smile at him if I wanted to...He could tell me that He loved me and asked me to marry him at least 3 times over the course of this fabulous weekend in Crested Butte (of course we were both insanely intoxicated) and of course it wasn't meant to be taken seriously and I didn't take it as anything more than words, but they made me smile.  To be with someone who wasn't damaged, wasn't scared...and words such as these could actually be SAID without the thought of them bringing on a panic attack.

How do you describe being THIS HAPPY??  There is only way to describe it is this picture:

I have no expectations for this - whatever it is.  He lives in Austin and I live in Denver.   I don't need to be thinking long term or anything of the sort, but I needed this.  I needed him.  He makes me smile.  He has called me every night to say goodnight and that he misses me.  He called me the last night and made me laugh and he said I can see you giggling right now and your shoulders shrugging as you giggle.  NO ONE has ever paid that close attention to me before.  In 3 days he knows my mannerisms.  I don't think GC could have told you I have freckles across the bridge of my nose.  CB can tell me that I shrug my shoulders when I laugh...
If this is cloud nine - I don't ever want to come down.  EVER.
How strange that I've known this man for the last 5 years of my life.  Not very well, in fact I honestly thought he didn't really like me.  Maybe we just kept "missing" each other, always had someone in our lives.  He left Hawaii for Austin 3 months before I left Hawaii for Denver.  We'd kept in a little contact over Facebook, he called occasionally when he was in town.  I almost met a girl he was dating once when he brought her out here.  Yes, he comes to Denver, quite a bit. 
I have a ticket to go to Austin next weekend.  I am giddy about going.  I am EXCITED about going...and I HATE being in Texas.  If there was one place that I avoided being at all cost, it was Texas.  THAT is how happy this man makes me. 
The only thing standing in the way of me jumping on a plane next Friday is the tropical storm in the Atlantic.  I almost cried with frustration last night...it figures.  I get a ticket and I look forward to going to the one place I hate the most and there is a possible hurricane hitting...
ARGH!!!!

Sherlock Holmes-ing...

SO - I threw the "I will let him do all of the pursuing" rational out the window yesterday...for just a little bit.  I mean, why not say hello and ask Cricket Phone guy how his week was going (via text of course)...after all, it totally makes my day when I get a random text from someone like that...and why not throw some good vibes out into the world and see what we get back?  Actually it was a much better conversation (okay text conversation) than the last one. 
I got to know this about him:  He has some kind of credit card processing company (whatever that is) and a General Contracting company - his guys go into areas hit by hail and such and fix the damage done to property.  (Well, at least he will totally understand my praying for natural disasters!!!)  We texted back and forth a bit about how we were kind of in the same industry (keep in mind this is about 11 or so AM and during business hours, phone conversation not so appropriate).  He enjoys mountain biking - actually a bit crazy about it - I assume its like Nat being crazy about hiking 14ers...I can totally deal with that - ESPECIALLY since mountain biking usually means that the guy is fit if not ripped.  I LIKE THAT THOUGHT.  Instantly had an image of trying to get a photo of him naked in my bed...(sorry)...
Ending about an hour or so of casual texting back and forth (not instantly responding to avoid the assumption of being over eager and too available of course) I get a text from Gretchie. 
"HOW OLD IS HE"...well, damn.  I was so stoked that I was talking to someone who liked extreme sports and was involved with two companies that I totally forgot to ask.

So, being the "detective" that I think I am and having a computer and full access to the Internet, I begin THE SEARCH (i.e. internet hunting going off the only two things I know about him, his first name and phone number.)  WELL, let me tell you, after trying attempts for a half hour on trying to do a reverse phone number look up and not getting anything for free, I broke down and paid $.99 (yes, 99 cents) to find out a little about this guy...like a last name.  (yes, it has dawned on me by this point to just ask him)  Gretchie was texting me I could pull a background check, etc for $14.95...(in fact SHOULD) since he was some stranger asking me for my number at some beer festival.  Point taken, but lets just see what this $.99 will get us. 

It got me a last name.  It got me the area of where he lives (ANOTHER Cap Hill Guy!! Dear Lord God enough already with the Cap Hill guys!!!)

Anyway!! We have a name and he lives in Denver.
Google, Facebook, LinkedIn...
NADA. 
WTF??
EVERYONE can be found.  Can't they?
More searching.  I'm seriously sucked in by this point and Gretchies texts by this point aren't helping curb the intense focused Internet Sherlock Holmes-ing that's going on at this point...(its about 4 pm by now)
AH-HA!  PHOTO!!!  (So at what point are you considered crazy??)
um...dorky photo...and...wait...he's a sales guy for a roofing company.

Well doesn't this just suck.  In my industry roofing salesmen are pariah.  Well.  Alright then...no need to dig anymore about this one...if he asks me out that will be nice.  No sense in turning down a free dinner and possibly drinks.  Especially if he's as cute as I think I remember he is...I am after all a HUGE sucker for blue eyes...wouldn't hurt to take him to a place where one of GC's friends works.  (HEY - I'm at least allowed to be bitter enough to want his friends to tell him they saw me out with some guy - and this guy sure as hell cannot be UGLY!!)
By 5 pm I was exhausted.  Sherlock Holmes-ing, not being able to sleep the night before because the kids in the building decided to throw a 2am party made me nauseous exhausted. Not only exhausted but apparently yelling, screaming and cheering as loud and often as I was at that baseball game is like an intense ab workout.  My lower, middle and upper (if there is such a thing) abs all hurt when I breathe.  My ribs hurt.  I think this is the funniest thing ever...(I now have more of a purpose to scream and yell for my favorite teams.)

I decided that I would make it an early night, do the tanning cocktail and xanax myself so I actually slept through the night. 
Usually when I xanax myself I don't dream, at least I don't remember I dream.  Last night I remember dreaming that I forgot all of my clothes for my trip to Crested Butte this weekend and all I had in my bag were my hiking boots.  I'm not even going to try to think about what that dream means...it probably means I shouldn't be going on this trip to Crested Butte and I should be going hiking with Nat...but yeah...Pikes Peak and a 13 mile hike straight UP? 
HA! HAhaahaaa...

Does the "three day rule" still exist??

Last night I got the opportunity to sit 4 rows up from home plate at the Rockies/Padres game.  I've never gotten to sit in seats like this before!!  I had friends texting me that they could see us on TV for every pitch!!!  (of course I went home and turned on ESPN to see - and THERE WE WERE!!!)  You could even hear us screaming and cheering!!!  We took photos with Dinger, high-fived the ushers, pissed off the people in the UBER expensive seats - where they bring you and your children whatever your heart desires - for a premium price - by screaming and yelling and cheering so loudly that we were absolutely hoarse by the 8th inning.



Well, during the 8th inning...the Crickett Phone guy (Alex) texted me...I was kind of surprised but not giddy - I guess the thrill of those seats took center stage to anything that would get me excited...I mean HELLO - I had #7 Hottie SETH SMITH bending over right in front of me!!! 

I'm not sure how excited or what not one should get over a few texts - especially ones that were pretty "luke warm" by my judgement and not flirty at all (I've dated some pro flirters that make it KNOWN they want to hang out with you) this guy just kinda threw it out there that we should hang out sometime when I had time. 

UM - I'm calling 22 or 23 years old here and very luke warm vibes.  So - my homework for today is to text him and ask him how old he is.

I wish there was a rule book for dating...He was so exciting when I first met him and I jumped on the side cart at Tour de Fat...where is that guy that grabbed my hand and took me back to my friends and got my number??

Maybe some people are better in person??  oh who knows...but seriously - do people still follow the wait for three days before contacting rule?  What other rules are being followed that I thought no longer existed!?!?

Being 30 is...Scary? Enlightening?

Being 30 was something I have feared my entire life.  I have always been under the impression that life ended after your mid twenties.  My entire life leading up to my 25th birthday showed me that men leave their wives after they got to a certain age and traded them in for newer models.  I have the media, movies, TV, my father to thank for this.  Not to mention the 6 month stint I did in the "strip club" industry (I did not DANCE, I waitressed thank you).  I have always thought that men were like muscle cars and women were like Japanese imports.  Men increase in value as they age.  Women decrease.  I really need to stop that kind of thinking.  I look younger than a lot of people that are younger than me and my father can shove the comment he made when he told me no one wanted to talk to a 30 year old promo girl. 

(I'm sorry - I don't think this looks like someone in their 30's...)

I never gave any thought to my 30's except I didn't want to be in them.  If I could have just paused time and lived life between 26 and 29 I would have thanked God or praised the Devil - which ever one did it for me...
I wanted to live my life with naivety, I wanted to live in Never, Never Land with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys.  I wanted to drink and party my life away without responsibility.  I wanted to live life with the ability to jump in to anything with both feet without looking or considering the consequences. I wanted to dance on bar tops and drink till 4 am.  To dress like it was Halloween every day of my life.  SERIOUS was a very bad word to me.
I've been fighting 30 for the last 3 almost 4 years.  Fighting it HARD and resisting with everything I had. 
Until I met, dated, loved and things ended with GC. 
**NO this isn't about HIM again.**
He made me take a good hard look at myself.  I think that is why I put him on such a high pedestal.  Why I over looked all of his shortcomings, why I overlooked SO MUCH.  He was that person that finally made me want to turn my life around.  To get rid of the whoreish Vegas costumes.  To want to settle down.  To actually WANT to be a better, smarter, calmer person. 
Thirty Four is looming ahead of me and its coming at a speed that is going a little too fast for me, and while I am trying my hardest to think of it as JUST A NUMBER and not freak out about it, its getting a little hard.
I would love to be able to jump into situations without thinking.  Fall in love with reckless abandonment, still with the belief that I would get my Disney Fairytale Ending.  I wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve again - however I've learned that I need to keep it locked away.  I used to believe that the way to get over someone would be to get under someone else and drink myself senseless.  I thought alcohol numbed the pain. 
In my 30's - the wise person that I have become in the last 2 weeks or so (actually its my friends wisdom that I'm actually listening to now) will not go crazy in Cherry Creek looking for bartenders to occupy my time so I don't have to deal with being by myself.  I will listen to the words "he doesn't want anything serious" when a friend says they've got a guy to introduce me to.  I won't think - "well, maybe that will change with time and I'll be that person that changes his mind" - I'll run as far away and as fast as I can from that person as I possibly can.  If they want to run after me - well that's their prerogative - they can chase after me with a 4 carat diamond princess cut set in platinum.  I have a weakness for sparkly things so that might get my attention.  I will stop trying to seek approval from people who do not make me feel good about myself, and the next person who asks me to write a blog about being a 30 year old party girl will receive a bloody nose, black eye and the finger.  I'm not that person anymore and think of myself as more than that bitch.  I'm a good looking girl with skills that have allowed me a lot of free stuff but I'm more than that and if you don't see that then Fuck You.  I don't want any part of you in my life.  I won't feel like a 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel anymore.  I'm dating myself right now and that's all you need to know.  When some guy can show me that his ego, wants and needs come after mine, then that's the guy I'll date.  My heart is mine for me alone now and I am falling in love with this great person that I've started to get to know.  It took my friends here to introduce me to this person and I'm discovering that person totally great. 

I think I like me :-)

I read a blog last night that made me think about how much I whine and cry over how sad I am, how devastated I am, how much I allow someone to make me feel unworthy and not good enough.
I focus on bullshit on my life and I forget that I am doing exactly everything and then some that I ever wanted to do...and I CAN do exactly everything and anything I can think up.  Even bad, evil and really bad things, but lets focus on things that bring GOOD karma right?  My attempt at humor this morning while very very tired and sans my Adderall.  Didn't have time to get the new script filled on Friday.
I have started to get comfortable with myself.  This has taken a LOT of work.  I still get very lonely and the thought flickers through my head that I could call HIM and say I'm lonely, I just need some no strings company...uh - yeah - DUMB idea there kid.  That's what you just got yourself out of!!!
I've been able to turn acquaintances into very good friends.  I've realized the freedom I have to not have to answer to ANYONE but myself.  If I don't want to go home all weekend, I don't have to.  If I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't have to.  I don't have to think about someone else's feelings when I make plans with my friends.  I can take off to be a date for a guy friend without having any guilt.  I can watch re-runs of Jersey Shore all day if I want to and not feel bad that I'm not watching something that won't rot my brain.
This weekend was Tour de Fat - it ranked up there like Halloween for me.  Sunshine, costumes, beer and people watching.  F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.  A random little music festival, college football and dinner at the Magees to complete Saturday.  Sunday included hiking up to St. Mary's Glacier, falling on said glacier and sliding down a few feet - and getting up and laughed at myself and wings at Tommyknockers and witnessing the last 5 minutes of the Broncos first game this year...
Friday night I helped a friend pick up the pieces of her heart as she helped me so many weeks ago when my relationship ended.  It doesn't matter if its only been 8 months or 3 1/2 years like hers was.  Blindsided or fighting the inevitable, heartbreak is heartbreak and  I watched the same fussiness, the same sadness, the same random tears outbreak, all the while knowing that as much as I wished I could take all of that away from her, there was nothing I could do but just be there to listen or whatever she needed.  And reassure her as SO MANY people reassured me - there is LIFE after this.  And you will Love it.  Its going to suck for a while, but that's why you have your friends.
I promised her as I promised myself - your fake smiles will somehow become real, your fake laughter will dissipate and you will throw your head back and laugh.  You will find JOY in your life once again. 
OH - a SUPER cute boy asked me to hop on some side bike at Tour de Fat and I just jumped on.  Got sit on his lap.  His name is Alex and he asked me to dinner.  He texed me that very day and I waited hours to text him back.  He hasn't responded and I don't really care.  HUGE IMPROVEMENT for me :-)  it didn't hurt that I googled his number and it came up as a Crickett phone.  I don't think I'm missing out much with this guy, but if he does end up calling at least I'll get dinner bought for me (novelty!!!) by a cutie.

...you know what?  I think I like this person I'm evolving into.