I wish I could live "now" forever...

I really do wish I could live life now as it is forever.  I know that won't ever happen, but right now, this moment in time, the last two weeks have been probably some of the happiest days I can remember since I moved to Colorado.
I feel as though I have my feet planted, thoughts are not so scattered, I smile, started working out again...AND...I climbed my second 14er. 

(Note the date is from someone else - I just borrowed a sign left in the box - the date of this photo is actually September 26, 2010)

Length: Approx. 8.75 miles roundtrip, Highlights: Highest Peak in Colorado, Great views of Leadville, Twin lakes, Mt. Massive and the intrinsic satisfaction derived from standing on the second highest point in the continental U.S. Elevation Gain: Approx. 4,700 ft. - information from Summit County Explorer.

Yessiree Bob!!! Over 8 hours of hiking up and up and up...Not so much of a life changing or altering experience this time, it was just an overall STELLAR experience.  Of course I give that up to the company I was with.  There were no tears, not a minute of hypervenalating, not a moment of dispair.  Don't get me wrong, it was a killer of a hike, I still cannot breathe that well in higher elevations and the last 600 feet was excruciating - We hiked up over 4,000 feet!!!

This was my hiking crew from L to R Me, CM (besties hubby),Nat (BESTIE),SW(this was her first 14er and she rocked it),MD,Anna & ND. 

MD was my hiking buddy for 90% of the trip up - I'm sorry to say, but i'm kinda glad she had a lot to drink over the weekend so I had someone take up the rear behind me...Nat was upfront most of the way with her INSANELY packed backpack - overloaded with snacks, water and gear and I think she may have packed half the house in there too...She called it training for Everest...I don't doubt she will either...

I sang during some parts of the hike, smiled almost the entire trip, even ran down a little bit of the mountain...

We almost got lost in the woods coming back - my biggest fear, but with CM bushwacking through and a crazy log river crossing we made it back to the car.  Everyone tired, happy and really hating shoes at this point.

It took me two days to get to where I could walk almost normally again.  I have never in my life ever felt pain like that in my life.  I went to a Rockies game on Monday night and almost cried trying to get down the stairs at Coors Field. 

So now, life is just anxiously waiting to board that plane to Austin on Friday...we'll see if these stupid damned storms keep me away from making life 100 % perfect....

Giddy doesn't even describe it...

A month ago if you asked me if I thought I would be deliriously happy, I would have laughed at you and said not only no, not only hell no, but I would have said Oh Hell Fuck No.
Don't get me wrong, I've been having a blast with my friends and getting pretty comfortable by myself.  I love my standing Happy Hour, loving the random "get down here" to some bar phone calls...
Then I get a random text from a guy friend, and then I agreed to be his date to a wedding.  He'd broken up with his girlfriend and I was as recently single.  Come to Crested Butte and be my date for the weekend for this wedding. 
Oh yes, there was a TON of uncertainty on my part.  A weekend with someone that I don't really know all that well at all...what if we don't get along and how am I going to get home??
I'm still in awe over this weekend...

It was a worry for nothing.  We had the most incredible weekend!!!  We laughed, we explored Crested Butte, we watched football.  He danced with me, hiked with me, was goofy with me, held my hand, was proud to stand next to me, put my shoes on for me after dancing at this wedding,

 (yes I have pictures)

bought me a new winter jacket (it wasn't him buying the jacket or that I even expected it...it was that he wanted to make me HAPPY!!!!).  At the end of our wonderful weekend, driving back to Denver, I couldn't stand the thought of him dropping me off and heading back to Texas.  Since he volunteered to drive the bride and grooms Suburban back to Texas, it was very easy to convince him to stay the night with me at my place.  Just one more night.  I don't want to let you go yet!!!  (Yes, kids, the new bed got broken in thank you!!!) I liked having him there with me.  I briefly thought of GC and sitting with him in tears telling him I couldn't imagine anyone else in my apartment with me but him...well...HAHAAHAAA!   When I couldn't sleep that night, he put my head on his chest and in the most calming voice counted backwards from 40 and held me close until I fell asleep.  WHO DOES THAT??  YES, I understand this is a rebound.  But I deserve to be THIS happy.  I deserve to know what its like to not have to tread on eggshells to be around someone.  I could kiss him in front of his friends and work colleagues if I wanted to.  I could smile at him if I wanted to...He could tell me that He loved me and asked me to marry him at least 3 times over the course of this fabulous weekend in Crested Butte (of course we were both insanely intoxicated) and of course it wasn't meant to be taken seriously and I didn't take it as anything more than words, but they made me smile.  To be with someone who wasn't damaged, wasn't scared...and words such as these could actually be SAID without the thought of them bringing on a panic attack.

How do you describe being THIS HAPPY??  There is only way to describe it is this picture:

I have no expectations for this - whatever it is.  He lives in Austin and I live in Denver.   I don't need to be thinking long term or anything of the sort, but I needed this.  I needed him.  He makes me smile.  He has called me every night to say goodnight and that he misses me.  He called me the last night and made me laugh and he said I can see you giggling right now and your shoulders shrugging as you giggle.  NO ONE has ever paid that close attention to me before.  In 3 days he knows my mannerisms.  I don't think GC could have told you I have freckles across the bridge of my nose.  CB can tell me that I shrug my shoulders when I laugh...
If this is cloud nine - I don't ever want to come down.  EVER.
How strange that I've known this man for the last 5 years of my life.  Not very well, in fact I honestly thought he didn't really like me.  Maybe we just kept "missing" each other, always had someone in our lives.  He left Hawaii for Austin 3 months before I left Hawaii for Denver.  We'd kept in a little contact over Facebook, he called occasionally when he was in town.  I almost met a girl he was dating once when he brought her out here.  Yes, he comes to Denver, quite a bit. 
I have a ticket to go to Austin next weekend.  I am giddy about going.  I am EXCITED about going...and I HATE being in Texas.  If there was one place that I avoided being at all cost, it was Texas.  THAT is how happy this man makes me. 
The only thing standing in the way of me jumping on a plane next Friday is the tropical storm in the Atlantic.  I almost cried with frustration last night...it figures.  I get a ticket and I look forward to going to the one place I hate the most and there is a possible hurricane hitting...
ARGH!!!!

Sherlock Holmes-ing...

SO - I threw the "I will let him do all of the pursuing" rational out the window yesterday...for just a little bit.  I mean, why not say hello and ask Cricket Phone guy how his week was going (via text of course)...after all, it totally makes my day when I get a random text from someone like that...and why not throw some good vibes out into the world and see what we get back?  Actually it was a much better conversation (okay text conversation) than the last one. 
I got to know this about him:  He has some kind of credit card processing company (whatever that is) and a General Contracting company - his guys go into areas hit by hail and such and fix the damage done to property.  (Well, at least he will totally understand my praying for natural disasters!!!)  We texted back and forth a bit about how we were kind of in the same industry (keep in mind this is about 11 or so AM and during business hours, phone conversation not so appropriate).  He enjoys mountain biking - actually a bit crazy about it - I assume its like Nat being crazy about hiking 14ers...I can totally deal with that - ESPECIALLY since mountain biking usually means that the guy is fit if not ripped.  I LIKE THAT THOUGHT.  Instantly had an image of trying to get a photo of him naked in my bed...(sorry)...
Ending about an hour or so of casual texting back and forth (not instantly responding to avoid the assumption of being over eager and too available of course) I get a text from Gretchie. 
"HOW OLD IS HE"...well, damn.  I was so stoked that I was talking to someone who liked extreme sports and was involved with two companies that I totally forgot to ask.

So, being the "detective" that I think I am and having a computer and full access to the Internet, I begin THE SEARCH (i.e. internet hunting going off the only two things I know about him, his first name and phone number.)  WELL, let me tell you, after trying attempts for a half hour on trying to do a reverse phone number look up and not getting anything for free, I broke down and paid $.99 (yes, 99 cents) to find out a little about this guy...like a last name.  (yes, it has dawned on me by this point to just ask him)  Gretchie was texting me I could pull a background check, etc for $14.95...(in fact SHOULD) since he was some stranger asking me for my number at some beer festival.  Point taken, but lets just see what this $.99 will get us. 

It got me a last name.  It got me the area of where he lives (ANOTHER Cap Hill Guy!! Dear Lord God enough already with the Cap Hill guys!!!)

Anyway!! We have a name and he lives in Denver.
Google, Facebook, LinkedIn...
NADA. 
WTF??
EVERYONE can be found.  Can't they?
More searching.  I'm seriously sucked in by this point and Gretchies texts by this point aren't helping curb the intense focused Internet Sherlock Holmes-ing that's going on at this point...(its about 4 pm by now)
AH-HA!  PHOTO!!!  (So at what point are you considered crazy??)
um...dorky photo...and...wait...he's a sales guy for a roofing company.

Well doesn't this just suck.  In my industry roofing salesmen are pariah.  Well.  Alright then...no need to dig anymore about this one...if he asks me out that will be nice.  No sense in turning down a free dinner and possibly drinks.  Especially if he's as cute as I think I remember he is...I am after all a HUGE sucker for blue eyes...wouldn't hurt to take him to a place where one of GC's friends works.  (HEY - I'm at least allowed to be bitter enough to want his friends to tell him they saw me out with some guy - and this guy sure as hell cannot be UGLY!!)
By 5 pm I was exhausted.  Sherlock Holmes-ing, not being able to sleep the night before because the kids in the building decided to throw a 2am party made me nauseous exhausted. Not only exhausted but apparently yelling, screaming and cheering as loud and often as I was at that baseball game is like an intense ab workout.  My lower, middle and upper (if there is such a thing) abs all hurt when I breathe.  My ribs hurt.  I think this is the funniest thing ever...(I now have more of a purpose to scream and yell for my favorite teams.)

I decided that I would make it an early night, do the tanning cocktail and xanax myself so I actually slept through the night. 
Usually when I xanax myself I don't dream, at least I don't remember I dream.  Last night I remember dreaming that I forgot all of my clothes for my trip to Crested Butte this weekend and all I had in my bag were my hiking boots.  I'm not even going to try to think about what that dream means...it probably means I shouldn't be going on this trip to Crested Butte and I should be going hiking with Nat...but yeah...Pikes Peak and a 13 mile hike straight UP? 
HA! HAhaahaaa...

Does the "three day rule" still exist??

Last night I got the opportunity to sit 4 rows up from home plate at the Rockies/Padres game.  I've never gotten to sit in seats like this before!!  I had friends texting me that they could see us on TV for every pitch!!!  (of course I went home and turned on ESPN to see - and THERE WE WERE!!!)  You could even hear us screaming and cheering!!!  We took photos with Dinger, high-fived the ushers, pissed off the people in the UBER expensive seats - where they bring you and your children whatever your heart desires - for a premium price - by screaming and yelling and cheering so loudly that we were absolutely hoarse by the 8th inning.



Well, during the 8th inning...the Crickett Phone guy (Alex) texted me...I was kind of surprised but not giddy - I guess the thrill of those seats took center stage to anything that would get me excited...I mean HELLO - I had #7 Hottie SETH SMITH bending over right in front of me!!! 

I'm not sure how excited or what not one should get over a few texts - especially ones that were pretty "luke warm" by my judgement and not flirty at all (I've dated some pro flirters that make it KNOWN they want to hang out with you) this guy just kinda threw it out there that we should hang out sometime when I had time. 

UM - I'm calling 22 or 23 years old here and very luke warm vibes.  So - my homework for today is to text him and ask him how old he is.

I wish there was a rule book for dating...He was so exciting when I first met him and I jumped on the side cart at Tour de Fat...where is that guy that grabbed my hand and took me back to my friends and got my number??

Maybe some people are better in person??  oh who knows...but seriously - do people still follow the wait for three days before contacting rule?  What other rules are being followed that I thought no longer existed!?!?

Being 30 is...Scary? Enlightening?

Being 30 was something I have feared my entire life.  I have always been under the impression that life ended after your mid twenties.  My entire life leading up to my 25th birthday showed me that men leave their wives after they got to a certain age and traded them in for newer models.  I have the media, movies, TV, my father to thank for this.  Not to mention the 6 month stint I did in the "strip club" industry (I did not DANCE, I waitressed thank you).  I have always thought that men were like muscle cars and women were like Japanese imports.  Men increase in value as they age.  Women decrease.  I really need to stop that kind of thinking.  I look younger than a lot of people that are younger than me and my father can shove the comment he made when he told me no one wanted to talk to a 30 year old promo girl. 

(I'm sorry - I don't think this looks like someone in their 30's...)

I never gave any thought to my 30's except I didn't want to be in them.  If I could have just paused time and lived life between 26 and 29 I would have thanked God or praised the Devil - which ever one did it for me...
I wanted to live my life with naivety, I wanted to live in Never, Never Land with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys.  I wanted to drink and party my life away without responsibility.  I wanted to live life with the ability to jump in to anything with both feet without looking or considering the consequences. I wanted to dance on bar tops and drink till 4 am.  To dress like it was Halloween every day of my life.  SERIOUS was a very bad word to me.
I've been fighting 30 for the last 3 almost 4 years.  Fighting it HARD and resisting with everything I had. 
Until I met, dated, loved and things ended with GC. 
**NO this isn't about HIM again.**
He made me take a good hard look at myself.  I think that is why I put him on such a high pedestal.  Why I over looked all of his shortcomings, why I overlooked SO MUCH.  He was that person that finally made me want to turn my life around.  To get rid of the whoreish Vegas costumes.  To want to settle down.  To actually WANT to be a better, smarter, calmer person. 
Thirty Four is looming ahead of me and its coming at a speed that is going a little too fast for me, and while I am trying my hardest to think of it as JUST A NUMBER and not freak out about it, its getting a little hard.
I would love to be able to jump into situations without thinking.  Fall in love with reckless abandonment, still with the belief that I would get my Disney Fairytale Ending.  I wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve again - however I've learned that I need to keep it locked away.  I used to believe that the way to get over someone would be to get under someone else and drink myself senseless.  I thought alcohol numbed the pain. 
In my 30's - the wise person that I have become in the last 2 weeks or so (actually its my friends wisdom that I'm actually listening to now) will not go crazy in Cherry Creek looking for bartenders to occupy my time so I don't have to deal with being by myself.  I will listen to the words "he doesn't want anything serious" when a friend says they've got a guy to introduce me to.  I won't think - "well, maybe that will change with time and I'll be that person that changes his mind" - I'll run as far away and as fast as I can from that person as I possibly can.  If they want to run after me - well that's their prerogative - they can chase after me with a 4 carat diamond princess cut set in platinum.  I have a weakness for sparkly things so that might get my attention.  I will stop trying to seek approval from people who do not make me feel good about myself, and the next person who asks me to write a blog about being a 30 year old party girl will receive a bloody nose, black eye and the finger.  I'm not that person anymore and think of myself as more than that bitch.  I'm a good looking girl with skills that have allowed me a lot of free stuff but I'm more than that and if you don't see that then Fuck You.  I don't want any part of you in my life.  I won't feel like a 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel anymore.  I'm dating myself right now and that's all you need to know.  When some guy can show me that his ego, wants and needs come after mine, then that's the guy I'll date.  My heart is mine for me alone now and I am falling in love with this great person that I've started to get to know.  It took my friends here to introduce me to this person and I'm discovering that person totally great. 

I think I like me :-)

I read a blog last night that made me think about how much I whine and cry over how sad I am, how devastated I am, how much I allow someone to make me feel unworthy and not good enough.
I focus on bullshit on my life and I forget that I am doing exactly everything and then some that I ever wanted to do...and I CAN do exactly everything and anything I can think up.  Even bad, evil and really bad things, but lets focus on things that bring GOOD karma right?  My attempt at humor this morning while very very tired and sans my Adderall.  Didn't have time to get the new script filled on Friday.
I have started to get comfortable with myself.  This has taken a LOT of work.  I still get very lonely and the thought flickers through my head that I could call HIM and say I'm lonely, I just need some no strings company...uh - yeah - DUMB idea there kid.  That's what you just got yourself out of!!!
I've been able to turn acquaintances into very good friends.  I've realized the freedom I have to not have to answer to ANYONE but myself.  If I don't want to go home all weekend, I don't have to.  If I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't have to.  I don't have to think about someone else's feelings when I make plans with my friends.  I can take off to be a date for a guy friend without having any guilt.  I can watch re-runs of Jersey Shore all day if I want to and not feel bad that I'm not watching something that won't rot my brain.
This weekend was Tour de Fat - it ranked up there like Halloween for me.  Sunshine, costumes, beer and people watching.  F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.  A random little music festival, college football and dinner at the Magees to complete Saturday.  Sunday included hiking up to St. Mary's Glacier, falling on said glacier and sliding down a few feet - and getting up and laughed at myself and wings at Tommyknockers and witnessing the last 5 minutes of the Broncos first game this year...
Friday night I helped a friend pick up the pieces of her heart as she helped me so many weeks ago when my relationship ended.  It doesn't matter if its only been 8 months or 3 1/2 years like hers was.  Blindsided or fighting the inevitable, heartbreak is heartbreak and  I watched the same fussiness, the same sadness, the same random tears outbreak, all the while knowing that as much as I wished I could take all of that away from her, there was nothing I could do but just be there to listen or whatever she needed.  And reassure her as SO MANY people reassured me - there is LIFE after this.  And you will Love it.  Its going to suck for a while, but that's why you have your friends.
I promised her as I promised myself - your fake smiles will somehow become real, your fake laughter will dissipate and you will throw your head back and laugh.  You will find JOY in your life once again. 
OH - a SUPER cute boy asked me to hop on some side bike at Tour de Fat and I just jumped on.  Got sit on his lap.  His name is Alex and he asked me to dinner.  He texed me that very day and I waited hours to text him back.  He hasn't responded and I don't really care.  HUGE IMPROVEMENT for me :-)  it didn't hurt that I googled his number and it came up as a Crickett phone.  I don't think I'm missing out much with this guy, but if he does end up calling at least I'll get dinner bought for me (novelty!!!) by a cutie.

...you know what?  I think I like this person I'm evolving into. 

FOOLISH

So when you're in your 30's and relationships end, you can't help but analyze everything.  The good times, focus more on the bad times since these are the moments that help you get through dealing with why you aren't with each other anymore.  You go from angry to sad.  From anxious to calm.  From knowing this decision was the best thing ever for you to wondering if you could have lived with a few more weeks of that torturous hell just so you had those few weeks less of single-dom.  Then the inevitable happens.  Or at least it happened to me.  I for some reason went back and read a blog he wrote for a friends website.  I re-read it and it brought back a sick dark feeling.  I remembered that feeling.  I remembered this blog.  This is where it started.  When I had read this blog I got sick reading this part:  "What better way than to fully embrace your 30s than a good drink, a good puke, a good date, followed by a better f***."

He wrote this and I was the only person that he was sleeping with.  FOOLISH.  Here's the entire blog:
GC's blog

I wish I had been clear headed enough to actually READ and COMPREHEND these words so many months ago. 

FOOLISH.

Last day of the pool - Good bye Summer...

Today we said goodbye to my pool.  Goodbye to memories, laughter, BBQs, hot dogs, hamburgers, brats and lazy days in the sun.
It made me a little sad to know that Summer was officially at an end when at 2 pm the shadows started to cross the spot that never saw a bit of shade until the big clock of DU started chiming at 4 or so, when we fired up the grill for the second time and started on dinner. 
Natalie and Lyndee came over and Sum showed up a bit later (with fabulous home made egg rolls), followed by CM, Nat's husband and Marc, Lyndee's fiancee.  Tons of beer, Bloody Marys, Brats and hot dogs.  Natalie pushing Lyndee in the pool, me pushing Nat in the pool, me trying to cannon ball Natalie, but backfiring cause she dove down to grab her Dolce's at the bottom of the pool and she kicked me in the face.  It'll be so cool if I get a bruise on my cheek!!  (no I'm not kidding).  Lyndee mooning my entire apartment complex a few hundred times (exaggeration - but not quite) and throwing hot dogs, buns and an empty mustard bottle into the pool.  Yes, that all happened.
Whit, Kev and G and Drew showed up - we had no idea G was in town so it was a very brief but wonderful reunion between people who's lives have taken such a turn that we who used to be so close have not been able to see each other in a very long time.
When it was time for G to leave for the airport, I cried as she walked out the door to catch her flight. 
For a minute it was like time rewound itself and we were all back together again.  Back to days that I can remember that life was happy and I was blissfully ignorant.  Before life took G away, before schedules took Whit away.
Today made me realize one thing.  G has moved to another state.  Whits schedule may not fit into ours, but Nat, Lyndee, Whit and G are all still apart of my everyday life.  Text, phone calls, emails, facebook, face to face...I have developed some of the most amazing friendships that I could have ever have imagined to have.  Sisters that I have always wanted.  Friends that I am so grateful to have.  My cheerleaders when I need them to be, my shoulders when I need my tears wiped away or to stand tall.  My encourager's, my laughter.  They make the days brighter and bearable when I think they cannot be.  They are the company that I need desperately when I am feeling alone and sad, they are my confidants, they have become apart of my soul.  I don't know if they have any idea ever, but they are helping me shape into the person that I am becoming.  People who have confidence in me.  They will never leave my side.  No matter what man breaks my heart and leaves me, I know I will never be alone with them around, be it hundreds of miles away and over the phone or sitting right next to me at dinner making me laugh.
I am so grateful to have each of them by my side.  Introducing me to pieces of myself I never knew existed, sending me texts that start my day with encouragement and positivity, telling me that there is someone out there that will listen, just being there not saying anything at all.
Good bye Summer, tomorrow they will start to drain that pool and with it some memories of GC and his friends that will dissipate as will the water.  It will be covered up until next year when the weather warms up and the snow has melted and the flowers start to bloom.  And with that I know will come the birth of new memories, new adventures, new loves...but the constants, these girls in my life.  They will always be here.  Through thick and thin.  I know THEY will be there.  THEY are my constants.  THEY are the loves of my life.
And it sure didn't hurt to get a text from my darling friend Z - my fabulous Z.  The big teddy bear of a guy who sends me texts that make me feel wonderful, sent me a text tonight out of the blue that said "Just the way you are by Bruno Mars...my song I dedicate to you just so you know".  I listened to this song for the first time and for the second time today I started to cry.  Note to self, stop drinking in the middle of the day you weepy fuck. ;-)
Just the way you are by Bruno Mars
I have an amazing life.  I realized that GC may be gone from my life, but that just opened up my eyes to see how many people really want me apart of their lives and how special I am to them.

The guy Sum tried to set me up with

Say hello to an 11 year old daughter and neck tattoos.  Not that I have anything against tattoos, I love them.  I have 7 of my own, but a NECK tattoo? 
Can't do it.  Wouldn't do it.
Not my type at all.  He was nice, I give him that and he got me drinks without me even having to hint that I wanted one.  Effortless. 
I smoked, I drank, I hung out with a totally different crowd than I would have ever in my craziest dreams...and all the while not more than two blocks away, I could see GC's window that over looked the street of Colfax.  It was blissfully dark. 
I admit, as I was driving home, (no exchanged phone numbers or possible plans to meet up with NTG - Neck Tattoo Guy), I slowed down as I drove under his window and then looked over at the bar that he is usually at.  Couldn't help it.  I spent almost a year of my life in and out of that apartment. 

Wait...I'm doing Promos again?

I wasn't quite sure what on earth this weekend would bring.  All I know is that I knew for certain (even when I had a boyfriend) I wouldn't have a date for the long weekend.  In some ways I was right, some I was wrong.
Its been a very busy and tiring weekend for me - thank goodness I was out in the sun and kept so incredibly busy that for once I wasn't thinking about what HE was doing.  (Except of course when I got a break and sat outside and smoked a cigarette and looked at the mountains and thought about him in Keystone on his boys only fantasy football weekend).

This weekend, I donned uniforms and hit the pavement to promote Wikkit.  A new app that is being developed that two friends of mine have invested in. 

C needed my help since she's worked with me and I knew the ropes and I knew what I was doing.  Her promo team was brand new.  But they were GOOD once they got down to it and figured it out.

I have one thing to say right now.   I saw some of the photos from over the weekend and dear lord god, I have my flat stomach back!!!  I looked GOOD.

I hung out with college kids, I got to witness the intense rivalry that happens between colleges. 

I cheered both teams teams.  I was a total "whore".  You tell me what team you like and I will like them too - with all my heart and soul I will cheer for _____ to win!!!  Now, let me sign you up for this app!!  and yes, I'll totally take a cold beer from you.  Thanks!!(I really didn't care what team won as long as we made our numbers).  However I insert a disclaimer here - the only team that I hope loses every game this year is the Georgia Bulldogs.  That is my one mean streak I have for the ex.  I hope that the team you love with your heart and soul...the team that brings back every great college memory for you loses every game from here to eternity and I hope their quarterback gets slaughtered.

I saw a girl get carried out on a stretcher before 11 am.  I saw people get kicked out of the game before it even started.  I saw a guy get escorted (handcuffed of course) out.  I was hit on by 20 something boys, some even younger and I loved them for it.  I was picked up by firemen. 

I flirted, I giggled, I sold, I was confident and I forgot how much I missed the promo world where happiness and being stupid smart got you what you wanted.  I forgot the art of flirting, the art of manipulating people to get what I wanted.  To make strange women who wanted nothing more than for me to get away from their boyfriends actually smile at me before I left.  I forgot how much that world does not let you get down on yourself and you must be "on" for such long periods of time that you actually forget that you are sad and depressed.  I found my smile, I turned it on, I had to look as beautiful as I could possibly look.  People weren't getting the product, I was selling me to get them to want the product. 

It was wonderful, exhausting, tiring and I loved every minute of it.  I needed to hear strange people tell me I was beautiful, that I was funny.  I miss posing for pictures and being with a bunch of girls who are just out to have fun - and getting paid to do it.

I lost my voice, I did shots, I got to hang out and meet some great people who truly made me laugh and lifted the cloud that was starting to settle again.

These girls were wonderful to be around.  I remember being them.  Fearless, the world was at my feet, laughter just bubbled out.  The world has not yet chipped away at them.  It hasn't pushed them down and they each still had enough of their hearts in tact to throw it out to the world and not care about it.  They still had that blissful ignorance that only the young know.  And I craved it.  I let them envelope me.  I soaked them all in and I wasn't jealous of them, I was glad for them. 

I have been looking around with open eyes.  They have been sad eyes.  I try to make them happy.  I try to make myself happy.  I try to keep myself busy.  I have had so many people that are so wonderful to surround myself with.
I went to the zoo today with my friend JG.  We had a blast and I loved the no muss no fuss of being able to just hang out.  No worries, no anxiety, no love.  Just two friends enjoying each others company and just have fun.  Sushi for dinner. Now I'm off to meet some friends tonight for drinks.  Sum says she's got this guy she wants to introduce me to.  I have zero giddiness.  I don't even really care.  I want GC back to curl up with and watch a movie with.  I have no want to try to get over him by replacing him.  I need that want to fade in my mind.  I want it to fade because that is what time does for you.  I have a canyon in my soul that needs to heal and while its not bleeding anymore, its still very very deep and it just needs to heal.  I need to get to know me and get comfortable with who I am before I do anything with anyone.  I can't even seem to summon the effort to be witty right now.  But, who knows, free drinks are free drinks and who am I to turn that down?

It wasn't revenge, but it sure was sweet

I figured out a few days ago that GC still had my Dexter DVDs and my other copy of the Hangover that I lend out (god forbid I have to be deprived of Bradley Cooper in that suit of his at ANY given moment).  He brought them by last night. 
I made sure I looked fantastic.  Hunter Green pencil skirt, super sexy yet business like black top, insane push up bra (come on now...I'm entitled).  Hair done, make up flawless...I answered the door with a smile.  I've got a darker tan (if that was even possible), my hair blonder and 12 pounds lighter than when I last saw him. 
He walked in and saw the new furniture, new comforter, the entire apartment re-arranged.  I showed him the new little SUV that I bought.  We had a beer and chilled out and sat next to the pool and talked for a bit.  I told him about my awesome review and the plans that my boss and I have laid out, how my company will help pay for school when I start after hurricane season.  He said he read Natty's blog about that 14ner I climbed and said he was really proud of me.  It was the greatest feeling in the world to have him walk into my life and see everything that I have changed, to have him see that I am not that crying, whining, clingy little girl that I had somehow become with him.  It was great to have him see me with quiet confidence in myself.  But when he asked how I was doing, it got painful for a moment.  I felt the tears sting the back of my eyes and I took a deep breath and looked at him, gave him a half smile and truthfully told him "I'm getting there". 
It wasn't a moment of revenge, it was a moment that I held close.  He was there next to me, still talking to me, not an ounce of hate or animosity between us.  Just two broken people who somehow found each other.  I am a better person for having had him in my life as he was, as our relationship had been.  I don't think it should have been any other way, but I am an even better person for him taking himself away from me.
It was almost a numbing feeling to see him there, so close, sitting next to me and talking to me like he has done so many times before when I felt so horrible about myself and felt like I wasn't good enough for him.  I could almost feel the iciness of the walls around my heart that have developed over the last few weeks and I wondered if this is how he felt all the time, and that thought made me a little sad.  I know the ice around my heart will melt someday and I will be open and giving as I was with him with someone else.  For now, the ice has gone up and is protecting me as I stumble through my life as it is now.  Picking my way across unfamiliar terrain like I did on Mt. Sherman, taking one step up, only to have it slide half way down.  Little victories followed by a few set backs like tears, loneliness, sadness.  I can't see where this path that I am on is taking me, all I know is that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and just know that I will get there, just like I got to the summit.
When he left, I hugged him a little too long.  It was nice to put my head on his chest just for a second or two and let out a huge sigh.  He paused as I let him go and stood at my doorway looking almost unsure of what to do next.  I gave him a little smile and said goodbye.  I didn't say I would see him soon or again for that fact.  I let him go without pain or struggle and let a few tears fall after I shut the door.

Then I picked up my purse and headed out to dinner with ML and AH.  As I sat down, I realized that I wasn't "heavy" anymore.  I am still out of sorts with myself and uncomfortable "single", but I smiled as I poured myself a beer and filled them in with what just happened. 
They smiled with me, told me how proud they were of me and reassured me that the one will come along.  I wondered when I would ever feel the want to let down the walls and possibly date again and let someone get close. 
And then a guy walked into my line of site.  Chiseled features, a smile that put GCs to shame, something about him just made me watch and when he turned a faced me I actually kinda gasped for air.  Wonderful to look at, fun to watch from afar. The girls urged me to go talk to him, to write my number on a napkin and give it to him.  I smiled and knew as easy as that would be, now was just not the right time for me.  I need to give myself time to get to know me, to heal, to grow and set secure with who I am.
I did however stop off at his table on our way out, tapped him on the shoulder and looked down at him and said " You are the most beautiful thing I have seen all day".  He looked at me and said "I would say the same thing about you".  I smiled at him, said thank you, lifted my head and my shoulders squared up and I walked away. 
It wasn't about revenge today, but my god, whatever it was, it was absolutely sweet.