He actually thought about me...

Every once in a while I cannot control my impulses and that usually leads to me sitting on my patio on a half a xanax and a nice pour of chilled vodka and a cigarette thinking "why did I do that?"

That didn't happen this time.

There is a lot that happened in the last few months that I haven't written about...mostly because the words would never come as they usually do when my fingers hit the key board and I'm not sure why, but I do owe a lot of people who follow this anonymously a lot of catching up...anyway...off I go on a side tangent again...

Lets get back and focus.

I just haven't been able to get "him" out of my mind...and I've even been out with other guys since he's been gone so I sitting at a stop light yesterday on my way to Easter Dinner #2, I sent him a text.  Watching hockey (which I had been at home earlier) made me think of you.  Hope you're doing great and having a good Easter.  I actually signed my name after the text in case he deleted my number (like I usually do).

I got a text hours later while I was in the shower and when I saw that there were two texts from him, my heart stopped and I was more than sure it was a text asking me to leave him alone.  Quite the contrary to my surprise.

In the first text ee said he hoped I was rooting for the Caps and he had spent the weekend skiing and fishing.  Did I get to hunt Easter eggs?
The second text said Thanks for texting, I thought about texting you a few times, but I didn't know if it would piss you off...

We texted for a while after that.  The only thing that I kept really thinking though was "he thought about me...maybe even missed me a little bit."

So I put the most of myself out there for him than I ever did and I should have the entire time that I had him in my life and sent him a text that said "I've missed you everyday".

I, for the first time ever have a regret in my life.  I regret that the one person I probably should have been open to, had been myself and the one person I should have told how much I really liked him and how I really felt, I didn't. 

Margaritas, Happy Hour and the Ex are a double edge sword...

I feel like someone smacked my face with a baseball bat. 
I think I look like one of those big puffy eyed gold fish.
One of the guys nicely told me this morning that I look tired.
The girls immediately asked what was wrong.
One of the women in my office came over and gave me a hug.
UGH.


WELL.  As for me, I think I am officially addicted to throwing myself (figuratively speaking anyway) under emotional buses.  Like things haven't been out of wack enough in my life, I thought it would be a good idea to take GC up on meeting up for Happy Hour last night...I mean, a good 7 months have passed.  I should be able to handle this, right?

  
We spent 3 hours talking about everything and nothing.  He told me he went to Maui for 9 days.  He didn't say with who, but he didn't have to.  He went with her and of course in my head I'm calculating how long they've been together and they're taking trips to Maui for over a week.  I promptly finished my frozen margarita as fast as I possibly could without giving myself a brain freeze, although it didn't seem like such a bad idea to give myself one at the time so I could stop feeling like someone was driving a dagger through the back of my head. 
OK, so really he never went into a lot of detail about his trip.  I could tell he was picking his way around his words trying to be very careful of my feelings, which was very nice and saddening at the same time.
He gave me the updates on all of his friends that I knew.  His sister had a baby.  He was still looking for another job.  He told me how it was a mutual split with the company he had started working for and the amicable split.
I told him that I was going to look at a condo, possibly to buy that I had heard about the day before on the radio, but it was almost too much of a serious commitment.  He asked if it was going to be big enough for two and I had an honest to God panic attack right there.  I asked him to stop talking about room for two because in my life there wasn't two.  Just me.  He said that I had to at least have a boy toy or two and that I just said no to...after all, while, yes, I might be seeing someone, its not serious or anything I needed to mention.  I didn't want to open the gate to that kind of sharing and I most certainly didn't want to give him an opening to talk about his girlfriend.
I did drop a lot of comments that I knew about her.  I told him that the ex-bestie had logged into her husbands facebook account and showed me the pictures that were posted of the two of them. 
I told him about friends besides Natalie that I'd lost in the past few months, I smoked in front of him, which surprised me as much as him considering how hard I tried to hide my smoking habit from him while we were together.
I told him about my Thing 1 and Thing 2 dates and we had a pretty good laugh about them.
He hugged me good bye when we left and it felt so good just to be hugged again.
I cried the entire way home wondering why my best wasn't good enough for him.  But then again, I realized that the way that I was with him wasn't very good either.  I wasn't in a right frame of mind and I'm sure that I was a lot for him to deal with.  The temper tantrums, the out bursts. 
I cried my heart out last night.  I cried for what was and what I'd wanted it to be...wanted it so badly that I still hurt from it.  Granted, not like I did before.  Its a different kind of hurt now.  Its that kind of hurt that comes from knowing what it was like to sleep wrapped up in his arms and to have someone to share things with.  It the kind of hurt that you have when you loved someone and you've had to let them go.  Its the kind of hurt that you have when you know that they have moved on and you wish you had anything to compare it to.  Its the kind of hurt that you have when you're lonely.
It was good to know that at least one person that I have had in my life doesn't hate me and it was so good for me to not harbor any hate toward him. 
It was totally a double edge sword for me.  It was great to see him.  Wonderful to talk to him and know that I have a friend. 
I miss the idea of what he was.  I miss the companionship, the daily phone calls.
I curled up with my bear again last night and tried very hard not to think that I am not enough, or so much to deal with that he left my life. 

So there you go.  Its quite a thing for me.  A pretty big mile stone to have spent time with someone that I loved very much and let him go without telling him that I missed him, or bringing some kind of sadness to our evening.  I couldn't say that I was happy for him, but I did wish him luck on the job search. 

OK, now onto how to figure out how to get my eyes all unpuffy and go out with the guy that I've been seeing for a little over a month now.  After all, while writing this,  just got a text from him simply saying "hey" with a smiley face. 

I wonder how he knew I needed that....

sometime I'll actually write a blog about him and let you guys in on where I've been for a while. 

xoxo,
Me.

Why am I at a stand still?

My life is NOTHING like what I pictured it to be.  I had a plan long ago and I was on that path.  Married early, kids by 27, good job, married...
Then I got divorced and went into what I call my Peter Pan stage.  I never thought I would actually ever get older.  I partied hard.  I would figure out life later.  All I wanted was to have fun. 
I turned into a party girl.  I drank all the time.  I was never serious about anything.  I never worried about the future.  I turned my back on growing up.  There would always be time to settle down, to worry about 401K's, retirement, a career, to go back to school...
I wanted to settle down and get married (again), but I wouldn't stop dressing like a stripper, I wouldn't stop getting wasted, I wouldn't stop my mouth and being mean to people, I wouldn't stop dancing on tables and bar tops.
I wanted a relationship, but I could not communicate.
I want someone to fall in love with me, but I haven't loved anything about myself in a very long time.  My self validation came from having a boyfriend. 
I wanted to be happy and I've always only been happy when I was in a relationship.  I expected the person I was with to magically make me happy.
I am now 34 and time has forced me to stop and look at the big picture.  All I see is failure.  A failed marriage (which I am glad failed), no real career, a person just floating through life waiting for it to happen.
I look at driven people that have goals and a plan.  They know what they want out of life and they go after it. 
I have drive, but I don't know what I want!!!
I used to be able to vision a future, now I wish someone would walk up to me with a crystal ball and show me something...ANYTHING!!!
I'm lost at 34.  I have dead end relationships with men that look at me and say "I don't think about you in that way" when I tell them I have feelings for them.
I used to define myself through my jobs, now that I have a job that holds about a 10th of the responsibility that I used to have, I cannot define myself that way.
I do nothing of importance.
My entire life is at a stand still.
When did this happen to me?

There's a smile on my face...

I'm running on 4 hours of sleep and nursing a horrible hangover, but good lord is there a smile on my face. 
He's that guy that you see out of the corner of your eye and he makes your jaw drop...and for some reason every fiber of your being WANTS HIM...and you haven't even spoken to him yet. 
I can't really even write this...I just have this stupid grin on my face from just thinking about him.  I salivate thinking about him.  I get giddy and shy thinking about him.  Thinking about him wants to make me buy pots and pans and learn to cook. 
This one isn't even referred to by a nickname.  This one has his actual name in my phone. 
This ones smile makes me grin.

I'm not sure if I have butterflies...I think they all might be sleeping off the alcohol we drank last night.  I'll tell you later if they show up.

xoxo,

ME

Brief adventures in online dating.

SO, just to let the rest of the world in on a little secret, I caved.  I let someone talk me into it.  *sigh* I joined an online dating site. 
Let me start out by saying, if you have life, don't do this.  There isn't any time to put in a whole lot of thought and make the answers to the same questions asked any better than the last 5 times you answered them.
Trying to be witty over email is exhausting.  Keeping up with your matches is exhausting and quite honestly, there were more than a few times that I just stopped answering emails for days, and when I finally did, my answers were cut and pasted from someone else I responded to. 
I didn't know if prince charming could be found on the Internet, but I figured I'd give it a try since a few of my friends have found their "perfect person" that way.
The first few days on this site was dis-heartening.  I'm sure these guys are really nice and super great, but I have to tell you one thing I figured out about myself very quickly.  I'm shallow.  Men's looks and cars they drive are important to me.  These guys were over weight or under weight, bald or getting there, or just had REALLY bad hair, bad smiles or just crazy looking (conjure up the crazy dude in the Shining...okay, maybe not THAT bad, but its damn close!!) 
Let me tell you, going online to look for a guy is NOT as exciting as looking for a pair of shoes or a cute swim suit or a sweater.  I really had to remind myself more than a few times that this site is for matching off of personality traits and things you have in common.  All the things that are supposed to be your foundation to building a "perfect" relationship.  I found the guys that were pretty funny and witty in their profiles and had decent pictures and started "communicating" with them.

After 2 months, fed up and just disgusted after countless questions answered, emails written and 2 bad dates, I happily canceled my account and I was more than a little excited about doing so.  The two free dinners I got out of this were not worth showing up for these dates and within 5 minutes wanting nothing more than to bang my head on the table over and over again, while prayers for death raced through my mind, softly muttering "beetle juice, beetle juice, beetle juice" believing that somehow I could be saved from enduring the dragging minutes until I could leave the torture.  
I am now a firm believer that if Henry VIII had figured out this form of torture he would have never beheaded Ann Boleyn.  He would have set her up on this dating website and watched her suffer slowly. 
By the way, Beetle Juice never did come to rescue me, however, glass upon glass of wine made the time pass a little easier. 
That fact alone made me come to the conclusion that if I don't stop drinking my favorite delicious wines on these horrible dates, I will begin to associate wonderful glasses of Pinot Noir with socially inadequate men.  Like a dog starts to associate bad behavior with being smacked and getting thrown into its kennel. 

With that statement, let me tell you about horrible date one and bad date two.  Yes, I am saying that like Dr. Seuss talks about Thing 1 and Thing 2, and actually that might be a good way to refer to them so I can "protect the innocent".

Thing 1.  Thing 1 started off with great emails.  The electronic word banter back and forth was charming, witty, funny and they made me smile.  I actually looked forward to opening up my gmail every day and reading his emails.  His pictures were cute.  Brownish/blond hair, nice eyes, funny.  He had a lot in common with me.  I showed my friends his pictures, they were equally as stoked.  Emails lead to phone calls, naturally.  I logged 3 1/2 hours of phone time on the first call and 2 hours the second call.  Of course I said yes to dinner. 

Sarah came over for a glass of wine and to help with outfit selections (lord knows I can't make a decision for situations like this to save my life).  She walked out with me when he got there to pick me up.  He got out of the car and I wanted to stop dead in my tracks and turn around and run to Sarah's car, jump in and never look back.  He looked like his pictures alright...15 years ago.  F.M.L. 

Okay, so I was going to suck it up and make the best of this situation.  Hey, I've dated a not so attractive guy because I was enthralled with his personality and his laugh, charm, wittiness and intelligence.  At my suggestion we were going to Max's.  Yes, Max's.  Where Mayo and I have spent countless hours happily getting trashed at the back bar, where Sarah and I had our first happy hour together that bonded us for life, the same night that I met Cornell, the same place where Alex took me on our first date.  The place of happy, happy memories.  The place were The Beautiful Bartender works, and even though he is married, he still makes me drool.  This place is like my own little Disney Land, my very own Happiest Place on Earth.  Where hopes and dreams come true and makes you believe in "when you wish upon a star..."

This date made my Happiest Place on Earth feel like The Sea Witches den.
UGH.
There was none of that great banter in person like on the phone.  Maybe my entire demeanor which I was trying really hard to hold in check was not what I was trying to make it out to be.  Maybe I couldn't hide the fact that I didn't want to be there.  I mean yes, I was being a little brat, hoping that after an hour or so with me he would never want to talk to me again but he was actually being kind of a downer and more than a little bit of an ass.  Especially when I asked him face to face what firm he was a Securities Trader for.  I had asked via email, I asked on the phone and both times the question was avoided or he somehow made me think that he forgot to answer the question. 
He couldn't hide or avoid now.  The guy was a self employed Securities Trader and the market was not being good to him.  I think I choked on my wine at that point.  I do know it was that point I really started to wish for Beetle Juice.  A good Securities Trader would be doing okay right now - IF he was good at what he did!!!  When dinner as over and the check came he gave the waitress his credit card and said "if that one doesn't work, I've got a few others to try".  I was HORRIFIED.  MORTIFIED.  I almost took his card and gave it back to him and paid for dinner myself, but I thought, HELL NO!  I endured this, he can pay for dinner, especially for the false advertising and posting pictures that were from 15 years ago.  I shoulda ordered Lobster and a $70 bottle of wine as punishment for that alone. 
When he drove me home, I leaned over and gave him one of those quick hugs as a thank you while trying not to make it obvious that I was trying to claw my seat belt off.  I think I had the door open and was trying to jump out of the car before the seat belt fully retracted.  He told me he was wanted to walk me to my door.  I quickly said "No, its cold outside but thank you" as I leapt out of the car and SPRINTED as fast as my boots could carry me back to the safe haven of my apartment.

A week later I went out with Thing 2.  Fun phone calls, very charming, I was actually really excited about this one. 
I was smart this time and met him at the restaurant.  When I walked up, his head went down.  He didn't look at me for 90% of the hour and a half we spent at dinner.  At least his photos were accurate.  He wasn't bad looking, but where was the fun, confident person that called me every night for the last week that talked to me about EVERYTHING? Religion, ex's, kids, porn, biographies, Jersey Shore, the soccer team he coached and cooking?
He spent most of his time looking out the window or his beer, pushing his beer around his side of the table and then to my horror said, well I feel like I know you well enough to share my most embarrassing story".
I started to pray that a 7 point earthquake would happen.  NOPE. 
Let me share this story with you.  A co-worker came to work with strep before he was supposed to take off for Amsterdam for a work trip.  He did go to the doctor, but it was too early to test for strep, so off he went to Amsterdam where he started getting sick for a few days and by the time he got back to the US he was peeing blood. 

THIS MUST be the way the normal women in Twin Peaks must have felt.
(OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY, HE WAS TELLING THIS STORY WHILE I WAS TRYING TO FINISH MY RISOTTO.  FML!!!!)

To finish the story with a coup de gras he ends up telling me that the doctors prescribed him antibiotics for Chlamydia.
(I really just wanted to bang my head on the table...)


I'm very very sure that Thing 1 and Thing 2 will have a lot of things to say about me that they didn't like.  I fully expect that.  I'm not perfect, obviously from how many PAST relationships I've had that I'm not perfect.

Online dating may work for some people and I've witnessed those relationships with my very own eyes. 
Those people say it takes time and you have to go on a lot of dates to find that person.

Thanks, but no thanks. 

I mean really, I think the Universe has a great sense of humor, but I don't really find this very funny...

I'll go back to trying to find one in a bar. 

xoxo,

Me.

Profound or not?

Before I left to go home for vacation it was like I was drowning.  Drowning in anxiety, depression, anger, resentment, loneliness, hurts and what felt like betrayal. 

Try as I might have to keep as much of a smile on my face and present a positive attitude, the feelings above made me feel like I was gasping and gulping for air.  Every day was counting minutes that I was climbing walls.  All I wanted was just to escape life and get back home as fast as I could. 

Going home was like being given an oxygen tank.  It was like I could breathe and I knew things would start to get better. 

The moment I was home among family was like throwing my entire life out in front of me.  Situations and feelings all scattered before me like they knew it was time to figure out what I needed to do with them.  Each day they followed me, each of them needing to be dealt with and finally I got that time to do so.  That day came 4 days after I got home. 

My mind had finally been quiet for a few days, there were no every day distractions like I had at home to prevent me from dealing with what I needed to.

It was a cloudy day.  The sun and rain alternating.  It was like this day knew it was going to be a profound day for me. 

I stood on the beach, not swimming, no surfboards, no paddle boards, my family with me and at the edge of the ocean, I let the water run up over my feet, up my shins, swirl around me and issue after issue presented itself.  I have no idea how long I was in that spot, but I felt a rush of peace.  Peace that I have been wanting and needing for over two years now.  I took my anger, hurt, and months of pain and loss that needed to be dealt with that I had been holding onto and for some reason it was gone.  It was like the ocean swirling around my feet was taking the past hurts and resentments away from me.  I let it go and let the ocean take it, I let it go to the sky.  I spent a lot of time in my head that day and I made a choice.  I had to let things go and make a choice to be happy.  Let go of everything I cannot change.

I cannot help the way I feel when I love someone and yes, it hurts when they reject it.  I held onto wanting to love them, thinking that if I kept loving them it would somehow make things better.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Be it a boyfriend, lover, friend, when they hurt you to a point of sadness and tears, sometimes it is accidental, and although sometimes accidental, it is a wound so deep that at that point you know.  That inner voice shushes out the everyday noise and it becomes crystal clear "Walk away". 
Come to terms with the pain and sadness and forgive that person for what they did to you, hold no malice or anger toward them, just let go and walk away. 
Sometimes there is just nothing else you can do for yourself.  Sometimes you just have to deal with the fact that you cannot make everyone happy by taking all of their anger, hurt, frustration and sadness into yourself.  There is just a point that your soul cannot take anymore.
That day it was like a part of me shut off.  It let go.  I don't know how it happened, it just left and I walked away from the ocean and up the beach with a weird feeling.  I looked and searched myself for that anxiety, that pain, the depression.  It just wasn't there.

I also got some very nice time with my father.  I'm pretty sure that that had a lot to do with a lot of what I have been searching for. 

I felt loved, I felt an appreciation for my family that surrounded me.  The smiles and hugs from my niece and nephew.  The time with my dad.  Actually HEARING this time and believing that I was missed and that I was very very loved.  For the first time in a very long time I felt like my feet were firmly beneath me, that nothing was out of control. 
I know now that my love may not be returned, that some people are just supposed to be friends, that some people must fade from life in order to make room for my sanity and well being.  I cannot make anyone else happy but myself.
I just need to forgive what hurts and pain were done to me, and that I must make peace with it being OKAY to let those people go.  Just let go.
Like the words from the Zac Brown Band that my friend Meghan reminded me of:

You keep your heart above your head and you eyes wide open
So this world can't find a way to leave you cold
And know you're not the only ship out on the ocean
Save your strength for things that you can change
Forgive the ones you can't
You gotta let 'em go

There were no tears, there is no self pity.  There is just a peace, if you can call it that, of shutting emotions off and walking away from what I have no control of.
I came back to Denver with an open heart, open mind and a sense of control and peace.
I will never find my happiness by trying to make other people make me happy.  I can only love those who love me back as much and I need to open myself up to being okay with acknowledging that. 
I needed to accept myself, I cannot be someone else, I cannot love anyone enough for two people.
I'm back with a freer heart and a deeper respect for those in my life who genuinely care.  My new years resolution is to surround myself with friends that have a healthy respect for people around them, face life with a smile and an open heart, be kind to everyone and give out exactly what I want back from life and the people that surround me.   
I go into January a better person than I left December.  I feel loved as I have only craved to be.  I did not find it in some guy.  I found it by realizing that it had been around me the whole time, I was just looking in all the wrong places.
I am so grateful for the time back home, the actual opening of my eyes to my surroundings and for the ability to finally realize that I do matter to people.  My feelings, my well being were worried about.  People that I didn't think I mattered much to showed me differently, showed me that I mattered in their lives and that they were happy that I was apart of theirs.

My father gave me the greatest gift.  Even though it was in the form of a Christmas card, he told me that I needed to read that card, don't look at the money that was in it.  Read that card.  My dad may not be the best at expressing feelings, but it meant so much that he was the one who told me that I needed to read those words.

I don't know how long this will last, but I do know that should I start to feel like I am drowning again, I just need to go home.  I need to go back to my roots, to the ocean, to my family.  I cannot stand on my own without these things.  I don't know that I could move back there, but I do know that home is always waiting for me with open arms to help me.

xoxo,
Me.

Thougths and stuff

My drive into work this morning gave me an insane urge to write.

I don't think I will ever get over the beauty of watching the sun rise and the colors that explode and paint the sky.  The mountains themselves a wonderous contrast; the purpleish foothills against the stark white snow covered peaks that are surrounded by beautiful pinks and blues of the sky.  Photos never do it justice.  I've tried.  I just sit at the same stoplight on early mornings like this and feel at peace and at the same time feel the urge to want to strap on my snowboard and just be up there.  I wish that there was a lift at a resort that was open that early.  Maybe once I get good enough to be like those snowboarders that just glide effortlessly down the mountain it will happen.  One day I would like to glide down the mountain with the beauty of a sunrise such as the one I experienced this morning.  On days like these with views like that, I just feel like I want to burst out of my body and fly.  Weird?  Maybe, but these are the only words that I know how to describe it.

CB called me last night.  We chatted for a very long time...saying everything, yet saying nothing.  He kept saying he missed me.  I dreamt about him all night last night.  Its hard to be indifferent and distant when someone has somehow kept a part of you...and you want nothing more than that person...connections like this are hard to come by.  We both know this, distance and circumstance make anything impossible. I wanted my romantic movie experience.  I am living it.  However, I would like to skip to the last scene and see how this plays out.  Its strange to feel about your life the way you do while watching that romantic comedy where the two main characters meet, fall in "something", lust, want and need each other and something always keeps them apart.  You want to scream at them, "JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN ALREADY!!", and then it takes them 20 or so years to finally be together.  Why the hell did I watch Letters to Juliette the other night???  Because I am a sucker for romance.  I am in love with love.  I want to be in love because there is nothing more amazing than feeling those butterflies and it feeling like the world is spinning or you are spinning and falling at the same time, yet your feet never leave the ground and everything looks brighter, fuller, wonderful.  I love loving someone with everything that I have.  Wanting to make them smile, not being able to stop thinking about them, wanting to be with them because its almost painful to be apart.  **sigh**

Counting hours until I leave for Hawaii...I feel like I can't breathe here.  Almost the way I felt leaving there.  I'm so homesick for the ocean and the air, the sun and family.  I'm homesick for everything familiar and I'm exhausted.  I need to go home.  I need my family.  I just need to "be".

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays to everyone out there who reads my words...Whoever you all are :-)

xoxo,
Me.

Dissapointed.

No drumroll, no need to wonder how dinner with CB went.  He bailed.  I got a text that said he might have to apre.  The snow was to good. 
SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
Nice. 
Like using the French term for gotta stay and party and booze it up is going to lessen the blow that he's blowing me off.
(The actual meaning is: Après-ski (French: after skiing) refers to going out, having drinks, dancing, and generally socializing after skiing. It is popular in the Alps, where skiers often stop at bars on their last run of the day while still wearing all their ski gear. The concept is similar to the nineteenth hole in golf. This can also happen anywhere in the world where there is snow. In the United States, the term is used more broadly to describe the atmosphere of ski resorts and ski culture, ski themed architecture and decor, and the ski oriented lifestyle in general.)

So I sent him a text back that said "I figured so, have fun. Well I was excited to see you. Have a blast in the snow and happy holidays. Ciao."

I'm hoping that came across as a polite Go Fuck Yourself.  With some Italian mixed in there for good measure. 

I got an immediate response back that said that his friend wrecked his car and they have to wait for his wife to get done.  I didn't respond back.

Yes, I'm highly dissapointed and hurt.  Not that I really expected to see him tonight.  I just really really hoped I would.  Actually more than hoped. 

Is it Saturday yet?

Christmas, Christmas!!

I am ANXIOUSLY counting days till Monday since there is so much to look forward to next week. 
First of all - CB IS COMING TO TOWN!!  Okay, well, he's skiing in Vail and will hopefully be able to get back Monday night for dinner.  I almost cried when he sent me the text of "I miss you!" after we talked.  Cross your fingers for good driving weather and that the tunnel isn't backed up for three hours!!!

Wednesday I'm having happy hour with my friend who broke up with me a few months back...remember that one? 

Cornell has been randomly texting about really nothing off and on.  Yesterday he sent me a text that said he was sorry we haven't been able to catch up, he just needed some down time.  I don't get this one.  I haven't bothered to initiate texts, but I'm not rude and just not returning them.  Something about this one has got me intrigued.  Probably because there isn't much else to occupy my time.

I also disabled my Facebook account.  HUGE for me. 

Next Saturday, yes, Christmas morning I jump on a plane for a 7 hour flight back home to Hawaii.  I cannot wait to feel those trade winds, feel sand between my toes, hear the ocean, smell the salt in the air and see my family and friends...ESPECIALLY my niece and nephew...oh how I've missed them!!!

OH - I do have a date to tell about!!  I met this guy at the Rio the other night and having 4 Rio margies (the limit is actually 3...) I thought he was cute and gave him my number.  We went out and there was no spark.  He actually told me he didn't have any cool clothes until last year when he dated this girl that worked at the Buckle.  It was my understanding that only high school girls worked at the Buckle...anyway - I manipulated the entire conversation because I was bored, I thought I came off horrible and figured that I wouldn't be hearing from him again.  Don't get me wrong, he was a really nice guy, but young.  I didn't get an exact age and I know that I keep saying I need a nice guy, but I'd like one around my own age...or at least in the same age bracket. 
Anyway, I did hear from him the next day.  SIGH.  He said he had a great time (WHAT??) and asked if I was doing something on Friday.  I texted him back and said I had plans the whole weekend.  Not 5 minutes later he was asking me if I wanted to go to Vegas the next weekend...WHAT!?!?!?  Okay, I'm all for spontaneous trips - but with people that I know!!
WEIRD!!
I texted him back and very nicely and politely said thank you for the offer but it wasn't a good idea and that thank you for a really nice dinner, but we probably shouldn't do it again. 
I wanted to be nice, but totally up front.  I hate when a guy doesn't want to see me again and makes up some bullshit excuse as to why and you know its a bullshit excuse and you just wish they'd be honest with you.  I mean it sucks to say, but if you tell someone that you don't want to see them again it saves everyone time and energy.  No one can get overly mad at you if you were honest with them.  So, hopefully, dating Karma will come back to me. 

I read this really cool blog by a girl who lives here in Denver and she posted Break-Up Etiquette 101.  I think these are some fabulous rules to keep in your back pocket:
Break - Up Etiquette 101.  I hope she doesn't mind me using her link!!!

The Top 5 Break-Up Rules

1.  NEVER EVER use the line, “It’s not you, it’s me.” 

2.  Yes, it’s really OK (and highly appropriate) to kick the ex off Facebook.

3.  Don’t drop off the face of someone’s planet if you are “in a relationship.”  If you want to call it off, look at that person face to face.  Have the respect for each other to honestly talk and express feelings.  Don’t avoid phone calls all together!  Give each other an equal say.  And if you’ve only been out on a few dates, AT LEAST text the person the “old fashioned way” and explain you’re done.  Give someone the courtesy of knowing you’ve moved on…even if you’ve moved on to NO ONE…or some random person the night before.  Remember, karma’s a bitch…and you don’t want that riding your tail the rest of your dating career.

4.  Don’t steal your ex’s friends…“Go get your own damn friends!”  

5.  And finally…after breaking up with someone, don’t call or text asking to get some “late night booty.”  

I highly recommend that you read the entire post.  Its pretty awesome.

Anyway.  Hopefully I'll have a great post on Tuesday.  Fingers crossed everyone.  Seeing CB Monday night is going to be worth dealing with Tuesday... 

xoxo,

Me.

Going into December...

Well everyone, its the end of the year.  Halloween has passed, my birthday has passed, I'm one year older (and not doing well adjusting to this fact), Thanksgiving feasting is over with and now its onto the Christmas season, for which I am GOING HOME!!!! 
in 24 days I will be spending nine days in Honolulu to do nothing but relax in the sun, listen to the surf, visit with friends that I haven't seen in forever, visit with my family and just take a break from life. 
Not that I have much to take a break from except driving myself crazy over the opposite sex, dating them and figuring them out, over analyzing every word and action until I've driven half of my guy friends insane, most of my girlfriends crazy and practically driven myself into a bumbling idiot.  I don't know how people do it.  Dating sucks. 


Second date with Cornell was yours truly at her absolute worst.  I'm not talking foot in mouth, I'm not talking sassy...I'm talking clumsy and scatter brained.  I was not calm, cool, collected...I've practically got my head in my hands while I write this...
I'm totally rushed since we agreed to meet at 6:30 - its a Friday night.  There's rush hour traffic...not only to I have to put in a full day at work and not leave until 5, but I've got to go home, get cute, figure out what to wear and get to the Highlands by 6:30...its not totally impossible, but its got me freaking out.  I don't do well under stress like this. 
I get to the restaurant - it was just easier for me to meet him there - I'm about 10 minutes late (thank you rush hour traffic) and I rush into the bar area where he's sitting feeling like I'm making a Kramer-like entrance. 
I take off my coat and I'm FREEZING in my cute silky chocolate brown dress and strappy shoes.  One of those classic dresses that is so visually silky and shiny that men cannot resist trying to touch.  Classic and tempting all at the same time (Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for you men). 
I seem to think that I've gotten myself together by the time our second round of mojitos came around...until I realized that I really hadn't had anything to eat since lunch...and my head is kinda light.  So we order dinner and finishing my second mojito, I ask for a  Chardonnay.  I mean you CAN'T drink MOJITOS in this dress - its like wearing Armani to a white trash party...you just don't insult your clothes like that!!
I get up at this point to go to the bathroom.  I'm planning my walk out, make sure I'm walking slow, seductively, eyes on him and girls you KNOW you do this when you know you look this good!!  He's switched chairs and right in line of vision.  He's totally watching me, I smile and I'm getting so close to our table, ready to walk up and stand right in front of him knowing he'll put his arms around me for even just a second.  Its a total calculated seduction moment.  Right up to the table I go - and my heel slips on the slick floor and I practically crash into the table.
OH DEAR GOD!!! 
I cover it up by laughing and calling myself clumsy - after all our first date was right after I got my concussion...to which he responded by scooting his chair close and put his hand on my leg - which started moving very slightly back and forth against that amazing silky dress material. 
Thinking everything is fine at this point and trying to cover up humiliation, I pick up my wine glass and somehow spill half of it down the front of myself, all over my dress and in my haste to try to dry it up somehow and PRAYING he didn't notice, grabbed my linen napkin and knocked my silverware off the table making the loudest clanging noise EVER...
Please let me die now...please let the floor open up and swallow me now so I don't have to look at him. 
I glanced at him staring at me and put my head in my hands for a second then looked at him and said - "well, now that I've made a total ass of myself, I'm completely embarrassed and I think I'm just going to go home now."
He just smiled at me and suggested we get out of there and go somewhere else. 
Well, anyway...the rest of the night went SO much better - downright fantastic actually. 
I don't know who kissed who first or how or when it happened, but we turned into "that" couple in the bar that you get disgusted by and you just want to tell them to get a room.  Couldn't keep our hands off of each other, could barely come up for air.
So I took him home where we polished off the rest of my chocolate vodka and proceeded to tear each other apart.
I'll save the TMI parts, but it was one of those sex, nap, sex, nap nights and all during all naps he slept with his arms around me. 
I rate him in the top 2.  And hot, oh lordy he's just drool worthy with no clothes on - the type that you just can't get enough of and can't keep your hands off of...

Our third date was the same way...but didn't end all that great.  I asked him if I'd get to see him before he left for Boston and his reply was maybe.  MAYBE?? 
To which he replied, "I'm playing hard to get"...
Completly baffled into a speachless silence, I watched him get into his car...
I'm pretty sure thats the last I'll see of him.  And when I say pretty sure, I made one last ditch effort a few days later to see if he'd like to hang out...I got a reply from him almost 24 hours later saying he had plans.  I haven't responded.  Quite frankly I don't want to.

One of my guy friends chastised me a little about giving it up on the 2nd date...

I'm not devistated by any means, more irritated than anything and of course there is always that nagging voice in the back of your mind that always keeps you wondering "what happened??"
Well, I may never know.  I may never hear from him again, and I'm actually fine with that.  and the best thing about it is i'm not trying to convince myself of being fine with it.  I learned with GC, there is nothing that you can do to make someone want you if they don't. 

But honestly, I'm so OVER dating.  I'm TIRED of it.  I think my prince charming may have gotten lost or maybe his GPS is as horrible as mine and he can't find me...so if you happen to come upon him, please let him know that he needs to email me so I can send him detailed instructions to where I am.

xoxo,
Me

Catch up, cold pizza, birthdays and I hit a wall.

I knew I had written a blog since the last one...I just forgot to post it...GEESH!!!


So a LOT has happened since I've last posted anything.  But, I really want to know WHO is reading what I write...I see everyday that SOMEONE is reading my blog.  Someone is reading the words that I send out into cyberspace.  Doesn't anyone have any opinions, comments, words of wisdom, words of critique...stories to share? 

So on the LOTS that's happened:
Went out with Alex and the guy from Cornell.  Alex turned out to be too much.  We had a few fun dates.  He interrupted me a lot, talked about himself a lot but I figured it was a fair trade for the dinners he took me to - after being with GC for so long and going to bars and eating bar food (unless I insisted on going somewhere else) it was nice to be taken to restaurants where the sliders and pizza weren't the best thing they served.  It was also kind of nice to be ordered for.  One thing that Alex could do was order I will tell you that!!  OH - and he can sing and play the guitar which was awesome.  Alas, it came down to this - he just reminded me of a Golden Retriever puppy.  That's what came to mind.  He was always just happy and excited about everything.  EVERYTHING.  Well, that was until the night of my birthday party when I took him home.  I'll GLADLY skip all of the unnecessary details and it wasn't bad, I mean it wasn't the greatest.  It was like cold pizza.  It'll do if its there but its not something that you want again. 
Mr. LA.  A guy that I have been in love with since I was in my 20's suddenly did one of his reappearing acts after disappearing for over a year suddenly texted me to say Happy Birthday...then telling me that he wants to come visit...and yes, I got sucked back in!!!

So that takes us to my birthday party.  Yours truly showed up late to her own party and really the only part of it that I actually remember was walking into the bar with my football helmet on and the rest is history.  I've been told by several people that my party was an Epic time.  Its sad that I was there and don't remember anything but bits and pieces.  Thank goodness there were 200 pictures on my camera the next day...lets just say it was HILARIOUS and I admit a little unnerving to see photos of myself looking somewhat coherent.  I guess this is another one of those moments that when I die will flash before my eyes and I will say "so...THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!!!"

This takes us to birthday day - I took the day off of work to go snowboarding.  I have been overly excited about getting up to the slopes - ESPECIALLY since I have new boots and pants to wear.  My birthday wish was granted by the great powers of the universe and a huge snowstorm blew in right when I was heading up the mountain on the lift for my very first run of the season.  NEVER MIND that there was a HUGE sign at the base of the mountain that said something to the effect of BEGINNERS GO HOME.  Keep this in mind.  I have not been on my board or on the mountain since the end of last season when I caught the back edge of my snowboard doing a turn and facing up the mountain and body slammed myself and hit my head so hard that I got a concussion. 
Well.  Lets just say that the exact same thing happened on my first run down.  Lets just say that after a few more falls and the massive snowstorm that blew in - my first day up wasn't much fun.  NOTE to beginning snowboarders or skiers - don't go up by yourself and try to tackle something that is not a green.  So, now, for my birthday so far I've had an EPIC birthday party that I don't remember, mediocre sex that I wish I didn't remember, my birthday wish of a lot of snow, a few runs down the mountain and a concussion.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Two and a half hours later lets just say I was heading back down the mountain for home.  Thank god I had taken a few Advil before I left that morning otherwise the drive home after those nasty spills would not have been as smooth as it was...never mind that that fantastic snow storm that brought my birthday wish iced over the roads and made it impossible to see more than 10 feet ahead and driving over 20 mph was even more impossible.
The rest of the afternoon was spent with my fabulous Ellie driving around town to get more feather extensions put in my hair (more birthday stuff) and the beanie from Luluemon that I have been lusting after for weeks.  So lets see, epic party, mediocre sex, snow, concussion, feather extensions and a beanie.  Thank goodness I still had my birthday dinner to look forward to.  I knew they were doing a dinner for me, but I had no idea where or who was coming.
Lets rewind to my drive back down the mountain.  I did chat with Alex for a little bit.  He said he was going to dinner with a "teacher friend" at Max's amongst the chit chat and lost signal down the hill. 
Max's is my absolute favorite restaurant.  Great all night happy hour on Thursdays, great food, great atmosphere, super fun bartenders and of course where I met Cornell.
Okay, so now fast forward to 7 pm.  I'm being picked up, I've gotten over 100 happy birthdays by phone calls, Facebook, texts and email.   I even got a phone call from my brother.  A shock within itself!!!  As we're driving I'm thinking were heading to Saucy Noodle - after all we all love Italian!!  Um, but wait a second.  We're heading to the Wash Park area.  Down an all too familiar road...parking and I'm looking around and we start walking past all of the restaurants until the only two places left are Wash Park Tavern and - oh shit.  Max's.
We walk in and of course I do the most immature thing and turn my back toward the bar where I see him.  He's only met Melissa once before at my birthday party so even if he looked over, he wouldn't recognize her and he'd never know I was there.  As we're seated, our table is RIGHT in his line of vision, I glance over, he's still looking oblivious to us being there, but he's by himself - huh. 
Anyway, Sarah shows up and I proceed to tell her and Melissa about "cold pizza" and fill Sarah in on why Alex is sitting at the bar.  At that moment my most favorite bartender that I have lusted over for weeks comes up bringing shots - Compliments of someone at the bar.  AW FUCK.  But hey, what the hell,  I need this shot about now.  Cheers ladies.  Bottoms up.
And wouldn't you know who comes up about 5 minutes later.  I thanked Alex for the shots he had sent over and he said I didn't know you were here until (insert bartender name here) said "Look who just walked in".  I looked at him and said - the girls surprised me with dinner here tonight.  I didn't want to interrupt you, I know you were having dinner with someone."  At that he kissed me on my cheek and hugged me asked me how my head was and headed back to the bar.
About 10 minutes later Candace and her friend showed up and she was like - "I just went up to Alex at the bar and asked him if you guys were here yet, and he said you guys were sitting up here."  I looked at her and said "He's on a date."
Now, lets stop here.  I didn't care that he was on a date.  I didn't want a do over, I knew about him being there with someone else.  I knew that none of my friends liked him and quite frankly everything was just "off" with him.  Nothing really 'clicked'.  He was fun, young and made me smile...and spent a LOT on dinner.  **smile**
What happened after this was when I hit that wall.  That wall that I somehow hit when I have been a little too out of control.  Acting like a train about to derail.  That wall that somehow hits me when I've been drinking too much, out of 'center' and scattered.
Too many shots, too much wine, having a concussion and having the fact that I am 34 years old now, I don't think enough of myself, spending time with a TWENTY SEVEN year old.  That on top of the stone cold fact of turning THIRTY FOUR hit me.  I'd had a plan.  NONE of that plan happened.  And then another fact hit me.  I'd wished for someone special every year.  Someone to love, someone to love me back.  A significant other.  This year I wished for snow.  I got my wish this year. 
And then the tears started.
And they got worse.  And I sent Alex a text to tell him that I couldn't see him anymore.  No explanation.  Just a text - I can't see you anymore. 
And lets say I will NOT be returning to Max's.
Well, the night isn't over yet.  This train wreck was just on shaky wheels. 
I made an important decision on the seven minute ride home.  As many times as I've said it, I'm going to put it into actual effect now.  I will not be someones option or past time anymore.  I am not going to keep seeing someone just because its better than being alone sometimes.  I want to be a priority. 
So I sent Mr.LA a text that basically said that I'm not that 27 year old child anymore, I'm 34 now and as much as I've been in love with him all these years, I don't want to be a past time and I don't want to be someone he passes time with after he's decided to stop being non existent for a year or two at a time...well, something to that effect anyway.  And I sent it.  And then I copied it to send it to Sarah and Melissa to show them that I wasn't going to be a doormat anymore.  And I pasted it into an open text window...and accidentally sent it to Alex.
Train has officially hit wall.
Oh hell...now he thinks I'm crazy...at least now I know I'll definitely never hear from him again.
And so I went to bed.
And I woke up hung over with the ramifications of my concussion making sure I knew I should never drink that much ever again when I have a concussion. 
Holy happy birthday.
Fuck me.
The next morning I woke up to lights hurting my eyes, my head swimming, and it was a little hard for me to talk and my thoughts were very slow.  I think its very sad when you are all too familiar with how a concussion works.  I went to work  and my boss just shook his head at my glassy eyes and said "YOU HIT YOUR HEAD AGAIN??  Maybe you need to try skiing and give up trying to snowboard.  Stop hurting yourself."
I got a text from Cornell that morning asking if we were still on for dinner that night.  I didn't much feel up for it at that moment, but I figured with a nap and a little more Advil I'd be fine...after all since I was moving a little slow and after my epiphany last night, it couldn't hurt...
I met him at Protos - one of my favorite pizza places.  Down low, casual, low lights (THANK GOD).  I hadn't seen Cornell since I met him that night weeks ago at Max's.  Cuter than I remembered.  Very smart.  The kind of guy that has quiet confidence and doesn't have to brag about himself.  It was calming to be around him and he seemed genuinely concerned when I told him about how hard I had hit my head the day before.  He speaks very highly of his family.  We shared a few party stories, so I'm thinking he'll be able to handle keeping up with me there.  He reminded me of the parts of GC I liked, but Cornell has drive and has a lot of things going for him.  He also didn't say anything horrible or negative about his friends getting married.  I sent a silent thank you up to God for that one. 
I hugged him goodbye at the end of dinner.  When I got home I sent him a text that I was home safe and I had a great time and we should get together again if he was up for it.  I got one back from him that said he had a great time too and yes, we'll definitely go out again. 
And at that I let my phone sit quiet.  I didn't text him "just saying Hi!".  I didn't text him to see how his week was or if he was free some night like I normally would.  He called me on Sunday during the second quarter of a very enthralling Broncos Game that I was watching on TV on his way to the airport to see how the rest of my week had gone, how my head was and to see if I had any free time to get together again, but he knew I was probably watching the Broncos game, so if I wanted to call him back I could.  I figured I could multi task and the Broncos were doing amazing so we chatted while he was driving to the airport.  Were going out Friday night.
I started reading a book called Being Happy.  I've started being calmer about things that involve another person.  I started really realizing and not just at face value that I can't do anything about anyone other than me.  I can't force someone to want to spend time with me.  I can't make someone want to go out with me.  If I want to be someones priority, I need to give someone the chance to do so and stop trying to take control of everything.  Its been hard.  Even this week.  I've stayed home, I've cooked myself dinner (which sucked by the way).  I'm dog sitting a friends dog, I've been getting up early in the morning and running on the treadmill again, although I can't do it for long before my head starts throbbing, but that will go away soon. 
I still don't quite get why I haven't been swept up into another relationship again as I have time and time and time again.  Why someone doesn't want to spend every waking minute with me...and then I realize that if I do that again like I have SO many times before, nothing will change and I'll lose even the baby steps I've taken to get a little bit back on track.  I'll get wrapped up again in someone else and forget, again that I'm supposed to be fixing me.
I'm not sure how the dating thing works really, but I do know that lately I have kept the words from the book and movie "He's Just Not That Into You" repeating over and over and over " if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what." 
And until I find that guy who doesn't make it so difficult to hang out with, that calls me to ask me out, I'm not going to try.  I won't be making an effort anymore.  I've made tons of efforts. 
All efforts will be focused on me. 
And I've made a conscious effort to stop drinking so much.  Lord knows I don't want to hit that wall again.
But to my friends, if you see me getting off track again...acting like a train wreck, getting scattered and unfocused.  Just tell me, email me, facebook me, text me these words "you're derailing".
Sometimes when you live alone and have no responsibility but to show up to work and make sure you take a shower and brush your teeth, its easy to get off track and get scattered...

xoxo,
Me.

Let the dating begin!!!!!

...AGAIN that is...
WELL, Real dating - CB wasn't dating - you can't call it dating when you've already known the person.  CB is in his own category.  Cataloged and shelved now since we're just friends again. 

SO...last Thursday I drunkenly agreed to a date with Alex (the night I met the Cornell guy)...I didn't hear from him until I'd pretty much written our date as a no show...like 2 pm...So of course I made him wait a good 45 minutes before I responded. 
We're going to Max's...yes, back to the scene of last Thursday where I met Cornell...HOW FUNNY IS THIS??  His idea - not mine.  Crab legs and Sangria...YUM!

Then I get a text from CB..."Hi Cutie, any storms going on?"  Really??  Really???  The weather channel can tell you that. 

Whatever.

SO...Lets mind prep for being witty and charming and trying to pull together a decent outfit with 80% of my favorite items of clothing that are dirty...dammit.  I knew I should have done laundry on Sunday...

Alright kids...I'll update ya soon!!!

First official date #1...

Epic Fail Broncos and other stuff...

This last weekend was the most EPIC Fail by the Denver Broncos and thank GOD that Moreno brought HIS A-game and put two TD's on the board...my goodness...for the first time ever I was ashamed and embarrassed to say I am a Broncos fan...however, like the good fan that I am - I made Nat stay until the middle of the 4th quarter. 

I wonder if Josh McDaniels or Kyle Orton even went home that night or stayed in some random hotel checked in under a pseudo name because he was afraid of a lynching...
Walking out of that stadium was depressing and not the least bit fun...in fact, as I put it to Nat - we did the Mile High Walk of Shame.


On another note as we back up to last Thursday...I went to happy hour with Sarah.  We started off looking for a Cheerleader costume for her for my birthday party.  It took us a total of 20 minutes to give up on that search and head to Wash Park Tavern to start on cocktails...and an hour later, bored to tears with the atmosphere and food, I begged her to move onto Max's...
YAY!
We proceeded to get very drunk - not on purpose...sometimes that just happens.  Especially when the hot bartender brings over shots.  (Bad Idea). 
Cornell was having their get together that night and had taken over my favorite back area of Max's but that was OK, since a few of them headed to the front bar where we were at anyway.  I took some guys name tag.  We got invited to sit with a bunch of them where I proceeded to drunkenly (very might I add) argue Profit vs. Non Profit companies with one of them.  The argument started by discussing Boulder people and how I love it when Non Profit people walk up to you and try to discuss how For Profit companies are evil (basically in those terms but not exactly), and how I love to tell them that I am a total For Profit employee and you can't persuade me to be otherwise.  The guy sitting on my right side got the venom part of my argument.
Basically I stated, Non Profits could not exist without companies such as the one I work for - I'm proud to say we're For Profit.  I'm not sure how the argument progressed but I told him without the money from people who work for For Profit companies donating to Non Profit companies, Non Profits couldn't exist so he should just shut up and go back to Boulder.
I was probably slurring every syllable.
I ended up talking to the guy on my left who from what I vaguely remember was kinda boring but kinda cute.  I must have amused him or something because he got my number and gave me his card.
He waited 3 days to call me...so the 3 day rule MUST still be in effect for some guys.  It was a very dry conversation, but he did ask me to dinner and of course, who am I to turn dinner down with a very successful and educated guy who isn't bad looking but definitely needs to do something with his hair.  (I know this because true to form, Friday morning I was at my computer "Sherlock Holms-ing" him.  After reading his LinkedIn profile, I'm wondering what on earth this guy saw in my intoxicated red and pink low lited haired self.  Especially since he's more into Soccer than football...
I did learn last night that he's a skier and snowboarder and pretty good at both.  Which impressed me but after our conversation last night I don't think we have anything in common.  I'm going out with him Wednesday night. 
Oh, and while on the subject of dates, Alex, the guy I met at the Fat Tire festival is FINALLY taking me out Tuesday night.  Crab Legs and Sangria.  Sweet!!!
Tonight is dinner with Melissa.  Friday night pumpkin carving at Nats and I'm still not sure what on earth we're doing for Halloween. 
OH, back to the subject of the pink and red low lites...I got them done on Wednesday.  I love love love it.  I shocked the HELL out of everyone in my office.  My boss said he liked it and it was Pizazz.  It was quite funny to get their reactions in the office.  I wanted one more reaction.  I called CB.  Yep, even after I asked him to leave me alone.  I missed him.  A LOT and there was no one I wanted to tell more about the new hair.
He answered his phone before the first ring was finished (I can't tell you how THRILLED I was at that).  We chatted like friends.  He told me about his weekend and the rest of his week.  That he got bit by a ton of fire ants on the golf course, then bit by something that he had to go to the ER for.  How he was doing a mini triathlon or marathon or something on Saturday, then some crazy long ass bike ride on Sunday. 

I told him about the 80s ski party (totally click that link and see how much fun Nat and I had for a great charity!!!!) that Nat and I went to, told him about my hair.  Doing yoga in City Park with 2000 other people.  (My life seems so dull compared to his...).  It wasn't a long conversation, but he did say that he was very glad to hear from me and he was giving me some time like I asked.  I didn't bring up anything heavy, nor did I go into how much I missed him and how sorry I was that I was a brat that last Friday morning.  I just said thank you and changed the subject and told him I was picking up lunch so I had to go, but I just wanted to say hello and it was nice to hear his voice.  Then I said goodbye.  I heard him say "I miss you" as I was  hanging the phone up and as much as I wanted to say "I MISS YOU TOO!!" I knew that it was just best to leave that remark untouched and just as it was.

I texted him a picture of my new hair, to which I got the response "You always look hot, but I like it"

Then I sent him my favorite picture from the 80s Ski Party, To which he replied "You're too much!"  and of course sent me into a huge questioning hunt to figure out if that was a good or bad thing (with myself of course...well and friends opinions...).  It was good to hear his voice.  He made me promise in our call that I would at least go up to the mountains once or twice to snowboard with him.  Of course I said yes, well see if it actually happens.

Lets see what happens Tuesday and Wednesday night.  Lets hope I dont' mess up names.  And I'm not exactly one that's got a lot of experience in the dating world.  I go from relationship to relationship...so if anyone has some good advice for me, bring it on.  Suggestions would be really helpful.  I get nervous on dates and I stick my foot in my mouth a lot.  I'm not a good "dater"...  Now the big question...WHAT the hell do I wear!??!!?