Sometimes there are just moments in life when main-lining martinis is necessary...

Especially the first time you see pictures of the ex who shattered your heart and the new what-ever-she-is. 

Especially when they're smiling and there are pictures of them canoe-ing and of course your dear friends are saying all the right things to try to make you feel better.  Nothing prepares you for that initial second when you feel as though your heart was just pulled out of your chest by the Jaws of Life and it feels like someone took an axe and drove it right into your head and someone else took a hot metal poker and drove it through your stomach, and all you want to do is kill him.

At that moment you couldn't mainline enough morphine into your system to keep the tears from coming.

At that moment it didn't matter that I have been happier in the last two weeks than I had ever been with GC.  Nothing I had done in the last few weeks could out this feeling. 

That is when you tell the waitress - KEEP THEM COMING AND DO NOT STOP.

You want to look away from those photos and you just can't.  You keep looking and you keep scrolling and you wonder - why didn't I get taken to Estes Park?  Why didn't he ever make an effort to go canoe-ing with me.  WHY THE FUCK DOES HE LOOK HAPPY???  He's wearing the sunglasses I bought him, and what looks like that watch I bought him too...to hang out with that fucking GRANOLA chick.  (Who, by the way, actually looks pretty cool and someone you'd probably like).

And then the hate that you had been trying so hard to keep away settles in...and you don't stop fighting it anymore.  You let that hate seep in around your heart and your head while the martini's are going down, easier and faster than the last one until you cannot look at those photos anymore.

Nat came up with the perfect movie quote at that moment - When Elle is asked if the other girl was as pretty as she was...and it fits Granola to a T.

"She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking."

She is bigger than me, dark hair, almost manly features...very "granola" which is why this will be her name.  She's cute.  I guess.  If you like that kind of look.  Nat said her husband said she looks like she's very low maintenance.  I didn't think I was high maintenance, but maybe I'm that girl...like the one that Billy Crystal describes Meg Ryan as when he says; "You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance".

So dinner turned into starting out blissfully unaware of anything other than what was going on in my life to nose dive. 

I cried on the way home - flat out BAWLED and SOBBED on the way home, took a detour, went to tan at 10:30 at night, got a pep talk from my friend in Hawaii, drank more vodka and passed out sometime after midnight.  The nightmares started again even though I don't remember exactly what they were. 

I woke up this morning feeling like I was hit by a two-ton semi.  I know there is no reason for it.  I guess life always throws you a curve ball. 

So now I deal with puffy eyes and I have no appetite this morning. 
I'm trying my best to pick myself up, dust myself off after this little fall and get back up to where I was 24 hours ago.

I'm better than this wallowing, but its going to take a day or so to get back to normal.  No matter how much you've mentally prepared yourself, you're never really prepared to see it, be it in pictures or in real life...its at those points that you can tell yourself that you've got people around you that will help you pick yourself back up, let you drink yourself into a stupor and let you be irrational just for a few moments while you just let those martinis sink in and you fantasize about him getting into a horrible accident and while he's in the hospital, you go and visit and whisper in his ear while he's in a coma - "YOU DESERVE THIS".  They let the venomous words come out of your mouth and they all join in on bashing the both of them and telling you that you're so much prettier than she is, and they let you feel the hatred and ugliness of the situation...and then start planning winter trips to Crested Butte and make you forget about it all for the moment so you can pull yourself together until you can go home, grab your teddy bear and lose yourself in tears.