I knew I had written a blog since the last one...I just forgot to post it...GEESH!!!
So a LOT has happened since I've last posted anything. But, I really want to know WHO is reading what I write...I see everyday that SOMEONE is reading my blog. Someone is reading the words that I send out into cyberspace. Doesn't anyone have any opinions, comments, words of wisdom, words of critique...stories to share?
So on the LOTS that's happened:
Went out with Alex and the guy from Cornell. Alex turned out to be too much. We had a few fun dates. He interrupted me a lot, talked about himself a lot but I figured it was a fair trade for the dinners he took me to - after being with GC for so long and going to bars and eating bar food (unless I insisted on going somewhere else) it was nice to be taken to restaurants where the sliders and pizza weren't the best thing they served. It was also kind of nice to be ordered for. One thing that Alex could do was order I will tell you that!! OH - and he can sing and play the guitar which was awesome. Alas, it came down to this - he just reminded me of a Golden Retriever puppy. That's what came to mind. He was always just happy and excited about everything. EVERYTHING. Well, that was until the night of my birthday party when I took him home. I'll GLADLY skip all of the unnecessary details and it wasn't bad, I mean it wasn't the greatest. It was like cold pizza. It'll do if its there but its not something that you want again.
Mr. LA. A guy that I have been in love with since I was in my 20's suddenly did one of his reappearing acts after disappearing for over a year suddenly texted me to say Happy Birthday...then telling me that he wants to come visit...and yes, I got sucked back in!!!
So that takes us to my birthday party. Yours truly showed up late to her own party and really the only part of it that I actually remember was walking into the bar with my football helmet on and the rest is history. I've been told by several people that my party was an Epic time. Its sad that I was there and don't remember anything but bits and pieces. Thank goodness there were 200 pictures on my camera the next day...lets just say it was HILARIOUS and I admit a little unnerving to see photos of myself looking somewhat coherent. I guess this is another one of those moments that when I die will flash before my eyes and I will say "so...THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!!!"
This takes us to birthday day - I took the day off of work to go snowboarding. I have been overly excited about getting up to the slopes - ESPECIALLY since I have new boots and pants to wear. My birthday wish was granted by the great powers of the universe and a huge snowstorm blew in right when I was heading up the mountain on the lift for my very first run of the season. NEVER MIND that there was a HUGE sign at the base of the mountain that said something to the effect of BEGINNERS GO HOME. Keep this in mind. I have not been on my board or on the mountain since the end of last season when I caught the back edge of my snowboard doing a turn and facing up the mountain and body slammed myself and hit my head so hard that I got a concussion.
Well. Lets just say that the exact same thing happened on my first run down. Lets just say that after a few more falls and the massive snowstorm that blew in - my first day up wasn't much fun. NOTE to beginning snowboarders or skiers - don't go up by yourself and try to tackle something that is not a green. So, now, for my birthday so far I've had an EPIC birthday party that I don't remember, mediocre sex that I wish I didn't remember, my birthday wish of a lot of snow, a few runs down the mountain and a concussion. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Two and a half hours later lets just say I was heading back down the mountain for home. Thank god I had taken a few Advil before I left that morning otherwise the drive home after those nasty spills would not have been as smooth as it was...never mind that that fantastic snow storm that brought my birthday wish iced over the roads and made it impossible to see more than 10 feet ahead and driving over 20 mph was even more impossible.
The rest of the afternoon was spent with my fabulous Ellie driving around town to get more feather extensions put in my hair (more birthday stuff) and the beanie from Luluemon that I have been lusting after for weeks. So lets see, epic party, mediocre sex, snow, concussion, feather extensions and a beanie. Thank goodness I still had my birthday dinner to look forward to. I knew they were doing a dinner for me, but I had no idea where or who was coming.
Lets rewind to my drive back down the mountain. I did chat with Alex for a little bit. He said he was going to dinner with a "teacher friend" at Max's amongst the chit chat and lost signal down the hill.
Max's is my absolute favorite restaurant. Great all night happy hour on Thursdays, great food, great atmosphere, super fun bartenders and of course where I met Cornell.
Okay, so now fast forward to 7 pm. I'm being picked up, I've gotten over 100 happy birthdays by phone calls, Facebook, texts and email. I even got a phone call from my brother. A shock within itself!!! As we're driving I'm thinking were heading to Saucy Noodle - after all we all love Italian!! Um, but wait a second. We're heading to the Wash Park area. Down an all too familiar road...parking and I'm looking around and we start walking past all of the restaurants until the only two places left are Wash Park Tavern and - oh shit. Max's.
We walk in and of course I do the most immature thing and turn my back toward the bar where I see him. He's only met Melissa once before at my birthday party so even if he looked over, he wouldn't recognize her and he'd never know I was there. As we're seated, our table is RIGHT in his line of vision, I glance over, he's still looking oblivious to us being there, but he's by himself - huh.
Anyway, Sarah shows up and I proceed to tell her and Melissa about "cold pizza" and fill Sarah in on why Alex is sitting at the bar. At that moment my most favorite bartender that I have lusted over for weeks comes up bringing shots - Compliments of someone at the bar. AW FUCK. But hey, what the hell, I need this shot about now. Cheers ladies. Bottoms up.
And wouldn't you know who comes up about 5 minutes later. I thanked Alex for the shots he had sent over and he said I didn't know you were here until (insert bartender name here) said "Look who just walked in". I looked at him and said - the girls surprised me with dinner here tonight. I didn't want to interrupt you, I know you were having dinner with someone." At that he kissed me on my cheek and hugged me asked me how my head was and headed back to the bar.
About 10 minutes later Candace and her friend showed up and she was like - "I just went up to Alex at the bar and asked him if you guys were here yet, and he said you guys were sitting up here." I looked at her and said "He's on a date."
Now, lets stop here. I didn't care that he was on a date. I didn't want a do over, I knew about him being there with someone else. I knew that none of my friends liked him and quite frankly everything was just "off" with him. Nothing really 'clicked'. He was fun, young and made me smile...and spent a LOT on dinner. **smile**
What happened after this was when I hit that wall. That wall that I somehow hit when I have been a little too out of control. Acting like a train about to derail. That wall that somehow hits me when I've been drinking too much, out of 'center' and scattered.
Too many shots, too much wine, having a concussion and having the fact that I am 34 years old now, I don't think enough of myself, spending time with a TWENTY SEVEN year old. That on top of the stone cold fact of turning THIRTY FOUR hit me. I'd had a plan. NONE of that plan happened. And then another fact hit me. I'd wished for someone special every year. Someone to love, someone to love me back. A significant other. This year I wished for snow. I got my wish this year.
And then the tears started.
And they got worse. And I sent Alex a text to tell him that I couldn't see him anymore. No explanation. Just a text - I can't see you anymore.
And lets say I will NOT be returning to Max's.
Well, the night isn't over yet. This train wreck was just on shaky wheels.
I made an important decision on the seven minute ride home. As many times as I've said it, I'm going to put it into actual effect now. I will not be someones option or past time anymore. I am not going to keep seeing someone just because its better than being alone sometimes. I want to be a priority.
So I sent Mr.LA a text that basically said that I'm not that 27 year old child anymore, I'm 34 now and as much as I've been in love with him all these years, I don't want to be a past time and I don't want to be someone he passes time with after he's decided to stop being non existent for a year or two at a time...well, something to that effect anyway. And I sent it. And then I copied it to send it to Sarah and Melissa to show them that I wasn't going to be a doormat anymore. And I pasted it into an open text window...and accidentally sent it to Alex.
Train has officially hit wall.
Oh hell...now he thinks I'm crazy...at least now I know I'll definitely never hear from him again.
And so I went to bed.
And I woke up hung over with the ramifications of my concussion making sure I knew I should never drink that much ever again when I have a concussion.
Holy happy birthday.
Fuck me.
The next morning I woke up to lights hurting my eyes, my head swimming, and it was a little hard for me to talk and my thoughts were very slow. I think its very sad when you are all too familiar with how a concussion works. I went to work and my boss just shook his head at my glassy eyes and said "YOU HIT YOUR HEAD AGAIN?? Maybe you need to try skiing and give up trying to snowboard. Stop hurting yourself."
I got a text from Cornell that morning asking if we were still on for dinner that night. I didn't much feel up for it at that moment, but I figured with a nap and a little more Advil I'd be fine...after all since I was moving a little slow and after my epiphany last night, it couldn't hurt...
I met him at Protos - one of my favorite pizza places. Down low, casual, low lights (THANK GOD). I hadn't seen Cornell since I met him that night weeks ago at Max's. Cuter than I remembered. Very smart. The kind of guy that has quiet confidence and doesn't have to brag about himself. It was calming to be around him and he seemed genuinely concerned when I told him about how hard I had hit my head the day before. He speaks very highly of his family. We shared a few party stories, so I'm thinking he'll be able to handle keeping up with me there. He reminded me of the parts of GC I liked, but Cornell has drive and has a lot of things going for him. He also didn't say anything horrible or negative about his friends getting married. I sent a silent thank you up to God for that one.
I hugged him goodbye at the end of dinner. When I got home I sent him a text that I was home safe and I had a great time and we should get together again if he was up for it. I got one back from him that said he had a great time too and yes, we'll definitely go out again.
And at that I let my phone sit quiet. I didn't text him "just saying Hi!". I didn't text him to see how his week was or if he was free some night like I normally would. He called me on Sunday during the second quarter of a very enthralling Broncos Game that I was watching on TV on his way to the airport to see how the rest of my week had gone, how my head was and to see if I had any free time to get together again, but he knew I was probably watching the Broncos game, so if I wanted to call him back I could. I figured I could multi task and the Broncos were doing amazing so we chatted while he was driving to the airport. Were going out Friday night.
I started reading a book called Being Happy. I've started being calmer about things that involve another person. I started really realizing and not just at face value that I can't do anything about anyone other than me. I can't force someone to want to spend time with me. I can't make someone want to go out with me. If I want to be someones priority, I need to give someone the chance to do so and stop trying to take control of everything. Its been hard. Even this week. I've stayed home, I've cooked myself dinner (which sucked by the way). I'm dog sitting a friends dog, I've been getting up early in the morning and running on the treadmill again, although I can't do it for long before my head starts throbbing, but that will go away soon.
I still don't quite get why I haven't been swept up into another relationship again as I have time and time and time again. Why someone doesn't want to spend every waking minute with me...and then I realize that if I do that again like I have SO many times before, nothing will change and I'll lose even the baby steps I've taken to get a little bit back on track. I'll get wrapped up again in someone else and forget, again that I'm supposed to be fixing me.
I'm not sure how the dating thing works really, but I do know that lately I have kept the words from the book and movie "He's Just Not That Into You" repeating over and over and over " if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."
And until I find that guy who doesn't make it so difficult to hang out with, that calls me to ask me out, I'm not going to try. I won't be making an effort anymore. I've made tons of efforts.
All efforts will be focused on me.
And I've made a conscious effort to stop drinking so much. Lord knows I don't want to hit that wall again.
But to my friends, if you see me getting off track again...acting like a train wreck, getting scattered and unfocused. Just tell me, email me, facebook me, text me these words "you're derailing".
Sometimes when you live alone and have no responsibility but to show up to work and make sure you take a shower and brush your teeth, its easy to get off track and get scattered...
xoxo,
Me.
