I DID THAT!!!

This weekend was supposed to just be a get away camping trip with two of my favorite couples that I get to hang out with - of course one of these being the Bestie and her husband.  I had no clue or idea it would be a weekend that changed my life.  It was like skydiving on crack.
I am still on an adrenaline high.  I am still in awe.  I did not forget the physical challenge, I did not forget the mental drain.  I have forgotten what it actually feels like (well except for my calves that is), but I cannot believe that I actually did this.
I hiked a 14ner.  I got my ass up Mt. Sherman.  This girl from Hawaii who HATES working out more than anything in the world.
At 14,036' Mount Sherman is the 46th highest peak in Colorado. Situated in the Mosquito Range, it lies roughly midway between the cities of Fairplay and Leadville.

We got there right before 8 am.  Nat (my bestie), her husband CM, our recently engaged friends LH and Mark.  Mt. Sherman takes approximately 5 hours to complete on average.  It usually takes about 3 hours to summit and 2 hours to come down.  This is all loose rock and no firm footing.  You don't hike straight up...you take the LONG way around.

You take a step and your foot slides half way down.  Its exhausting, defeating and it makes you want to just quit...especially after the last few weeks of emotional hell, not eating much and smoking too much.

Well, GC did three of them on that damn camping trip I had my sprained ankle on.  Like hell I was going to not get up there. 

It was pure hell and torture.  This was not fun.  This was pure physical exhaustion on my part, pure mental anguish and hell.  My besties husband stayed with me every step of the way.  I had to stop every few feet.  I lost my breath,  I saw spots, I almost passed out.  I almost quit and started down the mountain.

After the saddle back, and the climb up toward the summit, probably about when I was reaching about 14,000 feet, I started having a panic attack and hyperventilating. Seriously I thought it was over.  I sat down and just let the tears roll.  My body wanted to quit, my lungs wouldn't cooperate, my legs were like jello and the crazy dizziness and altitude sickness was getting the best of me.  Thank god CM was there.  He sat down next to me and said, you're not giving up and quiting.  You're too close.  Lets go. 

And I stood up and went.  I followed heavy step following heavy step.  The mantra of "one step at a time, one step at a time" going through my head.  Each step was harder than the last, I have no idea how I got as far as I did.  It was sheer will power even when I just wanted to give up so badly and lay everything I had down and call it quits. 

I got encouragement from everyone coming down, You're almost there, keep at it, you're doing great.  Strangers who did not know me but could probably see the defeat and hopelessness written all over my face.

One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other.  10 steps, stop, break, catch breath.  On and on and on it kept going.  I stopped looking up for the summit because it seemed it never got closer.  It was the views and looking out on the world that kept me going.  I have gotten this far.  I will never live with myself if i quit. 

For me this was a life turning point.  I had pushed myself to the point of utter exhaustion for my body.  My mind was in utter shambles.  It was like my life had met me here on this mountain.  For me the mountain was every obstacle I have been trying to clear in my mind.  To prove that I am someone to be proud of.  To prove to myself that I am strong and I can overcome anything. 

I don't think there are words that could describe the minute I thougth I was going to lay it all down, give up and walk back down and I did not give up, but I kept going. 

One foot in front of the other...CM telling me to keep going.  Strangers telling me I was almost there. 

I cannot describe the feeling when I finally reached that summit and I had Nat, CM, LH and Mark all cheer for me as loud as they could.  I cried.  Relief, accomplishment...I did it.  I physically and mentally exhausted myself past anything I had pushed myself before.  I stepped far far out of my comfort zone and believe it or not, made it to the summit under 3 hours. 

I looked out at the ranges and at the world and at that moment I realized that there was nothing in my life that I couldn't push myself through.  It was like I'd conquered my life.  I got a firm grip and a firm footing even when there was none.  I kept my head down and I powered through it.  I had no idea where I was going or what it would look like when I got there.  But I didn't need to know.  All I needed to know was that I could do what I thought was impossible.  The biggest accomplishment of my life.  At the top of that mountain I found the girl who quit her job, packed her bags with nothing guaranteed and not much money and a bunch of clothes in search for a new life.  I found the girl who jumps out of airplanes.  I felt alive and humbled and I don't know how on earth I will ever thank Nat and CM for this. 

SO - I know as much of an accomplishment that this is - I still have a driving force that makes me want to do two more this year.  Like hell I am going to let GC have two more under his belt than me.  And I suppose that this is a stupid reason to put myself under that kind of strain and pain, but it is what I need to stop feeling so inferior to someone who unknowingly made me feel worthless and not equal or good enough.  I need it for myself and I picked up some kind of "fire" at the top of that mountain.  I won't ever forget it.  I may forget the feeling of the physical pain at that moment.  I'll forget everything but the feeling when I got to the top of that summit.  I can do ANYTHING now.  I can get through anything and I'll come out on top and so much of a better person than I was when I was at the bottom.

Finally reaching the summit of Mt. Sherman.   You can't see them, but there were tears behind those glasses...

The Hardest Part

Sometimes I wish I could be like GC or his friend that introduced us or even DN in the fact that I wish I could date someone and not get emotionally attached.  Be distant, have that wall up and just keep on with my life without any remorse or sadness about moving on.
Nothing in my life has really changed without him in it.  From day one he would ignore text messages, I never had a date on a holiday, spent most of the time by myself trying to figure out what to do with myself.  I miss the days when I actually got to see him and spend time with him.  I miss having him to fall asleep with, to hug, to talk to, to hang out with.
For some reason last night I got it in my head that he was out on a date.  I couldn't get it out of my head and I just felt empty.  I was so sad but I couldn't cry. 
Its very hard to accept STILL why it ended.  Its so much easier when someone does something to you that you can hate them for, be mad at them for, have your friends hate and be mad at them also.  Its excruciating knowing that a majority of them still like him, even though they've seen you cry and struggle.  I cannot lie, I hung onto the .00000009% chance of having a chick flick movie ending where he realizes that he doesn't want to be without me and that phone call would come saying I miss you and we'd work things out and we'd live happily ever after.  I know deep down that is not the case.  It never was.  Maybe someday we'll be friends, but we will never go back to the way things were.  I honestly don't think I was good enough to meet his parents, to be the one he "ended up with".  But that's my opinion.  I guess the last year of berating myself for not being educated enough, smart enough, politically savvy enough, I didn't come from a better family has really taken a toll on me.  I never really thought that I was everything that he would want to end up with.  That's my issue.  If I don't stop thinking like that, I'll never be good enough for anyone because I'm not good enough for myself.
And that's bullshit.  I will be good enough for someone someday.  Someday my efforts in a relationship will be not just appreciated and noticed, but returned. 
Its funny,  thought I would move to Denver and find that person I was looking for INSTANTANEOUSLY.  I thought that whatever the issues were that made every relationship fail would stay put in Hawaii and wouldn't follow me here.  OH MY GOD was I wrong.  Not only did those issues follow me here they have somehow manifested into something HUGE.  I have finally stopped running and I'm turning around to face them now, not willingly or because I'm ready to, its because I know I have to.  I have to fix my own self esteem.  I have to accept that my father may never actually be proud of me or tell me that anything I have done with my life has been anything he could ever be proud of unless he's forced to do so.  I was the accident that happened that he never wanted.  I wonder how many times he's looked at me and wondered how his life would have been different had I not happened.  I lied to myself for a number of years telling myself and everyone else that my dad and I had a great relationship.  I guess at one point we might have, but that point has been and gone. 
OH DADDY ISSUES - the stuff that party girls, strippers and easy girls are made of...always striving to somehow gain approval from every man they come across because they they could never get the approval of the ONE man in their life they needed it from...
but you know what?  I have had a god damned kick ass week.  I got new furniture which I love, a new car which I love, I'm going camping with great friends, and my bestie is going to push me to hike a goddamn 14ner.  Serious accomplishments on my part, and I should be proud enough of myself with everything that I made happen all on my own in the last 7 days that I shouldn't need him to say he's proud of me.  Although I'll never stop hoping that phone call will come too...
Quite frankly, I think GC had a great 7 or 8 months with me doing things that I don't think he'd really have done other wise.  I was a great girlfriend.  I can honestly say there wasn't ANYTHING more I could have done to make him happy.  The only person that wasn't happy was me, and while, yes, I could have probably given him more time, maybe a few more months, been a little more patient, things MIGHT have been better.  I doubt it, but maybe.  All that I know is I couldn't live with the anxiety anymore, I couldn't live just feeling BLACK inside. I didn't want to live in that relationship anymore.  I couldn't mentally take it.  I have never felt that low in my life.  I was resentful, jealous.  I wasn't easy going or chill anymore, I wasn't happy and it started showing in EVERYTHING that I did.  I had no motivation and I cried way too much.  I'm not an expert in relationships by far but NO good relationship should be like that.  Forget the surface stuff that everyone saw.  Amongst all the sadness and loss I feel there is an underlying sense of relief.  He has probably already met someone he's slightly interested in.  Maybe he hasn't but I am not a thought in his mind that is of any significance and I need to give myself time to heal.  Time heals the invisible wounds, it makes you forget, it makes you move on and change yourself. 
I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that I cannot ignore nor run from my demons and issues.  I can't do it if I want any kind of life that has substance.  I need to face and deal and accept the great things that I have to offer.  I may not change the world, but I can do everything in my power to stop sinking and drowning in my own misery and not be afraid to let people in because of my own short comings.  The hardest part is letting go...so appropriate that that song came on this morning...
You know what - I'm going camping this weekend and I'm gonna hike that goddamn 14ner and I'm going to be pissed that GC "took" my last camping trip from me, leaving me in the fucking tent with my sprained ankle and hanging out with MY friends and then ignoring me for a week and I am going to take that anger and hike up to the top of that goddamn mountain and still be pissed cause he did 4 of them and he wouldn't have gotten to do that if it wasn't for me (just so I can make it back down). 

"The Hardest Part"

The Hardest Part - Coldplay

I sent myself into a panic attack...

This break up has been tough.  Mostly cause my friends all still like him and he's a good guy.  Timing wasn't right, things didn't work, it just is what it is and it seriously sucks.  So this is what I did:
I bought a new bed.  It is a dark mahogany wood framing leather and its bordering masculine.  I love it.  New sheets, new pillows, new comforter and entire bed set.  I now have 14 pillows and my Teddy Bear on my bed.  I got a huge mirror that I've been wanting that goes with the new bed frame.  Guess that wasn't enough though.  I also got a new car yesterday.  What next?  I went into a panic attack, so I went blonder than I already was.
I figure I would change as much as I could in my apartment so it doesn't look so much like when he was there. 
As for the car, well, that car and I never really got along.  I got it when I left Hawaii under the worst circumstances and while its treated me well, its got 3 years of tears and heartache attached to it.  That poor car held so many bad memories, not to mention the warranty was out and the things that needed to be done to it in the next few months would have had me sinking a few thousand dollars into it. 
Well, since right now everything is about moving on, so does the car. 
Goodbye car, goodbye GC, goodbye college dorm apartment, goodbye infamous party girl. 
Steps.  HUGE steps this week.  Maybe not so many big ones like this for a while.  Not much more I can replace besides moving completely, but I hate moving.

Here's the new car!

New Bed

Big Mirror - its getting hung tonight :-)  Hopefully...

Pondering

So last night as I'm putting my laundry away the girl next door is having crazy ass sex next door.  The kind that you scream "Oh Fuck YES!" like a billion times in a row.  Made my stomach turn.  What if I never have sex like that again?  I wonder if my craving for it leads me to these type of men that I date.  I've only had bad sex once, and I dumped him right after. 
Which lead me to the next thought.  I have a high list of demands when it comes to the men that I date, as I'm sure that every girl has.  I just wonder how on earth some of them can find the right one and be super happy.  When I think I find the right one, I'm not the one for them.  SO RIDDLE ME THIS - How do you find that one that fits for more than 7 or 8 months?  Where do you find the cute, smart, funny, amusing, friends like him, entertaining, knows how to cook (cause lord knows I don't), is a total gentleman, knows how to have great sex and still wants to settle down.
I think this person only exists in my mind - its the downfall of watching too many Disney Movies as a child and then watching too many "chick flicks" as a teenager to an adult. 

And I throw this out to the world, to the different men in the Universe.  Where is my other half??  I refuse to believe that I was put on this earth to live eternally alone at the mercy of my friends to spend time with me. 

I can only think that I would like to go back to the last 4 ex boyfriends and ask them - what was it?  Where was I lacking?  I know I should learn to cook and probably clean my own house and do my own laundry - I just don't see the point.  When I cook for myself, I'm full before I even sit down to eat.  I laundry is just something I have always despised although when I was with someone I didn't mind doing it...I just hate folding and putting away.  And as for cleaning my own house - well, for my entire life, I have NEVER been able to clean like a great wife or fiancee should.  For me the dirt just never goes away - and the cleaning products ruin my nails.  OK.  I'll work on that too.

FYI gentlemen, the constant party girl is pretty much gone in a way of appearing full force at every opportunity.  Dancing on bars doesn't appeal to me anymore and neither does dancing on tables.  Chairs maybe, but only on very special occasions.  I've started on working on being nice to people and keeping those very nasty thoughts to myself which used to come out before I could shut my mouth and keep them in.  Of course there is the occasion that it will come out - but only amongst my very good friends.  OH, and I have grown up REAL furniture that doesn't make my little apartment look like a college dorm room anymore. 

**sigh** I need a new car now.  I got the new bed and bed frame delivered today along with this great huge mirror that matches, new sheets, pillows, a whole new bed set.  I'm slowly purging my closet.  I also need new shoes.  More new shoes. 

I think I slept last night without dreaming about him.  Slowly each day fades him a little further.  It doesn't mean I don't miss him like crazy anymore, but each day all the sadness I feel is vanishing.  I know the worthlessness that I felt on a daily basis is fading.  In actuality, I almost feel somewhat relieved.  I still wish that I could have been the one for him as he had been for me, but there is a reason that it is what it is and he gave me a lot in our relationship, more than I think he ever knew.  He made me want to get to know this grown up person that was smothered by the ever crazy party girl.  That grown up person is a stranger that I am getting to know.  I'm almost 34 and I'm just now being introduced to myself. 

I hope there is someone out there that I can have great amazing crazy sex with like the girl next door had last night.  I can't lie, I was extremely jealous and I felt that twinge that happens when I wish GC was still around.  I'm sure someday someone will turn my head as well as heart.  He'll be smart, he'll challenge me mentally, and hopefully we'll have chemistry that was greater than anything I experienced with GC.  Until then, I'll just keep buying stuff and shut my glass door so I can't hear the girl next door.  I wonder if she knew that she had an audience of a few guys that were outside by the pool listening to everything, having a few beers and could more than likely see everything...

The 1am sober post...

Today consisted of working at a golf tournament which was completely awesome.  My office was the 17th hole.  I got to be social and drink all that I wanted (within reason of course so I got myself pretty darned toasty off of Bloody Marys by 2 pm) and then realized that I had a ridiculous sunburn on the back of my legs...and I never get a sun burn!!  Second to the last team playing includes a pretty hot guy, which makes me perk up ever so slightly.  He drops his business card in the drawing fishbowl and god dammit wouldn't you know it.  He's got the same first name as GC and spelled the exact same way too...
UGH.  GOD DAMMIT.
After an hour drive back to Denver from this golf tourney was time to get ready to go out.  Three sets of friends were going to Jacksons. $10 all you can drink till midnight.  SWEET.  Even if I just had TWO it'd pay for itself.  OH WAIT.  Its Mile of Men tonight.  BLECH.  It reminds me of a cattle call...it makes me just SAD.  Whatever.  Fun friends, a few recently single girls like me in their 30's E and J, a great guy friend I haven't seen in about a YEAR Zman and a girl from work.  Should be pretty fun. 
I put on that dress that just makes you feel good about yourself.  That one that made heads turn.  Yeah, not so much tonight.  Must be that vibe I'm putting out that just says DON'T FUCK WITH ME. 
I have no idea if anyone tried to hit on me.  I'm just not receptive of that right now.  I miss GC way too much and I have no desire to replace him by jumping into bed with someone else.  Guess that moto of "get under someone to get over someone" some how doesn't apply anymore...must be that growing up stuff that I never understood. 
It felt great to hang with Zman again.  I'm so proud of this guy.  He's got a job he'll be moving to Oregon for in 6 months.  Damn.  He's like a great big brother bear that won't let any guy near me and he just makes me laugh and feel good about myself.  He's a pretty amazing guy.  Some girl that he's asked out a few times showed up.  He muttered something about her standing him up twice and proceeded to get shit face wasted.  I was slightly envious of him.  I stayed sober. 
E and J the two girls that I had originally met out left with this uber hot guy from Manchester, England that J picked up.  I headed to Lodo's to meet up with the girl I worked with and by the time I found her, and smoked my last cigarette, I'd just had enough.  Enough with the meat market and the wanna be Jersey Shore boys and the immature frat kids and just craved going home.  I made it till 1 though.  Pretty big feat for me these days.
The entire ride home I fought the overwhelming urge to just send GC a text that just said I miss you.  I knew that the non reply that would follow would be devastating, so I fought the urge for a 1 am Taco Bell run.  Fuck that.  I've lost over 10 pounds in the last few weeks, I'm not gaining it back even though I'm very sure that my body would probably try to squeeze any sort of what could be construed as a nutrient from it.  Sometimes I wish I was actually hungry again and my throat wouldn't close up when I try to eat.
So I got home, took a shower and writing a shout out to my "start living again" episodes.  At least that's what I hope it is.  I actually laughed around Zman and felt light hearted.  I was super jealous of J and that uber hot catch of hers with an amazing English accent.  Made me miss my favorite Englishman that was like my brother back in Hawaii who's now moved to Japan. 
SO - good night, sleep tight.  I'll take myself to bed now.  Ciao.

It seems like its just one thing after another for the last 6 months.  In the last 3 I've lost an uncle, my grandmother and my aunt who was also my godmother.  GC and I broke up and as much as I get why, it is still hard to accept.
I have a ton to be thankful for, I know this.  I just wonder when I'm going to stop feeling like I'm passing time waiting for "life" to happen and I'm just tired of feeling "lost".
I would give anything for that delirious feeling of happiness I know I've felt in the past.  Unfortunately that usually only comes around when I'm in Love.  Blech.
For the first time yesterday I wondered if maybe going back home wouldn't be a good idea.  The thought of the holidays that are right around the corner make me sick to my stomach. 
I just wonder when I'm going to be comfortable with myself and by myself.  When I'm going to get comfortable in my own skin and I stop looking to everyone else for approval and acceptance.  When I'll stop judging my own self worth and I can actually find happiness somewhere else than in a boyfriends arms. 

Head up, Chin up. I am good enough.

I can't figure out what to title this one, so I think I'll just start writing and see where this goes. 
First off, I had no to desire to write yesterday even though there was a TON to write about.  I was EXHAUSTED!!!  Extremely entertaining weekend to say the least.  One event after another and lots of random outbursts from me that made everyone laugh (thank you vodka).
Last night I had another realization.  Probably one that I've had a few times, but I'll go ahead and write it here so I can give myself a pep talk when I'm hitting a low spot.
I am damned good enough.  I AM.  I may not have gotten to go to get the whole college experience and a degree on my parents dime, but I'll be finishing school on my own dime while working full time and I'm damned proud of it.  My parents may not be rich and I refuse to ask them for money.  Everything I have is what I have earned.  It may not be much, but I'm proud of myself.
Three years ago I left a very good job back in Hawaii.  I was dealing with a very bad breakup.  A relationship that lasted 3 years.  He was my best friend for longer than that.  It all fell apart and I realized that being on that island was going to ruin the rest of my life.  He was already with someone else before I even moved my things out of our house (story of my life, SERIOUSLY). 
To make a long story short, I called a friend of mine I'll call her Rock Star, that was in Colorado.  We had been friends for a long time when she lived in Hawaii and I asked her if I could l have a place to stay while I looked for a job and a place to settle.  Without hesitation she said yes.  That day I started packing everything I had, traded my fabulous little white convertible sports car for a (gulp and gasp and a tear or two) Sedan with 4 doors.  I bought a one way ticket and spent the last 6 weeks of my life in Hawaii with my two rebounds, with my friends that watched me lose so much weight that I looked anemic.  I had going away parties and I went skydiving.  You know what?  If you can jump out of a plane 12,000 feet up in the air, my god you can do ANYTHING.  And I've kept that attitude.  I CAN DO ANYTHING.  I left Hawaii in a whirlwind of chaos, so sad, depressed, angry that I wasn't even scared of the crazy life changing experience I was about to give myself.
I got here with nothing but $1000 in my bank account, a car that was on a barge and 6 boxes of clothes.  I got a job in 3 weeks.  I made new friends.  I never even had an inkling that I couldn't make it work.  The thought never crossed my mind that I might fail and not find a job, run out of money and over stay my welcome in Rock Star and her husbands house.
Why the fuck should I be sad about GC not loving me?  I should be fucking pissed that I gave, gave, gave EVERYTHING that I had to give about me. I fought for his affection, for his love, for a way over or around those god damned walls he put around himself. 
I am a catch.  I'm pretty, I'm not overweight, I'm funny, witty at times.  I have a good job and I support myself.  I'm a good person.  I'm kind.  I give everything that I have to everyone I care about.  I'm intelligent and I am self sufficient.  Everyone tells me that I was just too nice and giving.
I get that he's closed off and doesn't want to give his heart away again, and for that I cannot be mad at him, I was the same way after getting divorced. That I understand, but  I couldn't live my life at a stand still with him anymore and I deserve to find love and someone to be in love with.  I still think he is an amazing man with so much potential to be more than he is, but I can't wait for him to get out of his funk.  As great as I thought he was, everything started seeping into my life and I started getting mediocre in my life. 
I am not that kind of a person.  I made things happen in my life.  I want things to happen in my life!!!  I don't want to be a shell of a human!!!  I may not have found the person that I am supposed to be with, probably because the universe knows that I still have my own issues to work out and myself to get comfortable with, but I will.  And I won't have to beg for his attention.  I won't be out with him and his friends and have a sinking, gut wrenching feeling that I will never mean as much to him as they do.
This weekend I saw one of my favorite singers live and he belted out words to a song that I have been playing over and over and over again ever since.  This song flipped my switch and while I still have a feeling of sadness and still miss him, it gave me back my gumption and it made me realize that I have a lot to offer and give and that I can't let this get the best of me...and if it does, I need to get my ass back in an airplane and I need to jump out of it again and find that girl who was fearless and packed my life into boxes to find a better life for myself.
I sang that song at the top of my lungs to GC during that concert.  Jack gave me the words that I'd been searching for...I realized during that song that I could have tried to be more patient and putting myself through more anxiety, getting sucked in by him, but I do deserve more. He can have his friends and he can be happy with them.  He can start dating the next one who he won't be able to give anymore to...He can have his bars and his love for what is his life...I need someone who will give me his heart...

"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"

- Jack Johnson
Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But it's my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you
I can't always be waiting waiting on you
I can't always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Won't this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well I'm already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Well if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I can't always be waiting waiting on you
I can't always be playing playing your fool, fool.

Break Ups REALLY Suck...

How do you argue with someone when they say "I really like you, I care about you, I just don't love you, I can't give you the things you want?"  It feels like taking a GUT PUNCH followed by an upper cut to the nose would feel much better than hearing this.
How do you make your heart understand when you love him so much that it consumes you?
How do you let go when everywhere you turn everything reminds you of him, every song on the radio makes you cry? 
How do you deal when memories come up out of no where and the ring tone that used to be the one that rang on your phone when he called sounds around you on someone else's phone?
How do you deal when you crawl into bed and the silence envelopes you and the only person that you want is him.  SO BADLY in fact that your entire body aches and the tears feel like they will never stop.  The ache runs through your body and all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs.
You think about him and wonder what he's doing, if he even misses you, if he even thinks about you.  You know he's not.  He's continuing with his life without you.  If he wanted you as badly as you wanted him, he wouldn't have let you go. 
The comforting smell on his pillow fades and burying your face in this pillow doesn't bring one ounce of comfort so you can sleep.
You wake up in tears in the middle of the night because your dreams feel so real and you end up wondering why you couldn't just settle for what you had because at least he was STILL HERE. 
There wasn't anything wrong with our relationship except he didn't love me.  He cared about me...maybe all he needed was time.  Maybe I needed more patience.  What could I have done better?  What more could I have done?  WHY am I not good enough for him to LOVE ME?
Packing up his things was numbing.  Taking the photos down was defeating. 
When he came to pick up his things, it was like someone sucked the very air out of my lungs.  I tried to keep the tortured look from my face, I'm sure it showed.  I tried not to think of how I could change his mind.  To make him see that the pain I was feeling.  I just wanted to beg him to PLEASE change his mind.  To tell him that there are too many things I wanted to do with him, too many things left to do!  I don't want to let you go!! I will be fine if you don't go.  I won't demand anything of you anymore.  I will wait for you to love me.  Tell me there is a reason to fight and I'll stay!!!  I don't want to be without you!!!!! But I said none of those things...Instead just tried not to watch him in my apartment for the last time.
He looked at me before he left and his face was sad.  "I'm sorry."  and then;" Did you want to talk?"  and as much as I wanted to say yes, to keep him around just a little longer.  Just so I could prolong him walking out of my life and maybe it would make him see...I knew that all of that was for nothing and there really was NOTHING left to talk about.  Again.  How can you argue when someone says that he doesn't want to take those steps in a relationship - not with ANYONE.  He's closed off, he doesn't want to go there.  But he wants me to be happy and I deserve more than he can give me. 
As I write this I feel so pathetic.  Where did the girl go that would have given him a "fuck you" and leave his stuff on the door step?  That girl had never dated anyone like him.  Genuine gentleman, honest, truthful, caring, not an ounce of "player" in him.  Smart, funny, SO much in common, understanding and we had chemistry that wouldn't quit. 
I walk around an apartment that has no other memories but him in it.  I can't picture anyone else here with me.  Anyone else sleeping next to me in my bed. 
I know that this feeling will fade with time and I'll meet someone new.  Possibly someone that will actually LOVE me, not just LIKE me. 
I had a friend say that one of the best things about me was watching me walk into a room and light it up.  That I would give off a feeling of happiness and excitement.  I haven't felt like that in a long time.  Even though this break up is one week old to the minute it feels like I haven't lit up from the inside for a very long time.  It takes a toll on a person who's heart just wants to love everyone and the one person you want to love the most, you know you CAN'T.  Not because you don't want to or you don't feel that way, its because you KNOW that you shouldn't.  That he needed his space.  That he wasn't ready for everything that you are...however, you never stop hoping.  It destroyed parts of me everyday.  Made me feel unworthy, not good enough, angry, anxious.  SHOPPING didn't even make me feel better.
I know I'm on a road to something better.  I know that he was put into my life for very good reasons.  I still can't help but feeling so "heavy" that I can barely make myself get out of bed.  I'm quiet.  My thoughts race, I pace constantly.  I can't sleep and my nightmares are back.  I never had them when he slept next to me.
My heart and my soul need a break.  My heart and mind need to forget him.  I need to stop thinking of him as soon as I want to share something that happened in my day.  I need to stop thinking how I'll be replaced and there will be someone with him soon.  That his smile will be for someone else while I mourn the loss of something I felt was wonderful.  Mourn someone who was so very important to me.  Deal with and accept the fact that I did not mean as much to him as he meant to me. 
I've been through this enough to know that there is life around the corner waiting to embrace me again as soon as I am ready to get back to it.  I will laugh again, my smile won't be forced and the light that I used to feel will come back.  In time.  Time, time, time...and then I'll get back out there and do it all over again.  A little more scarred, a little more scared with guarded hope that someday I will hear the words "I love you" come from someone who loves me as much in return.
Until then, I know I have to just hold out my hand and say "Help" and I KNOW that I will have at least ten reaching back out to pull me through this.  They will be there unconditionally for me and tell me that I am WORTH loving, worth more than settling and they will help me push the sadness and loneliness away.  I have such wonderful friends.  I am eternally grateful for them and utterly humbled by their words of encouragement, their words of support, their understanding.

Here I go...

So here it is.  My first ever post for my first ever blog.  My diary, my thoughts, my journal of events, self discovery and I'm more than sure where I'll post my sad thoughts among the happy ones...
Today I woke up for the first time since the break up refreshed...(thank god for Xanax).  No nightmares last night.  If I had them, I don't remember them.
I'm normal today.  I didn't listen to sad songs this morning.  I didn't feel "heavy".  The break up process suck.  SUCKS badly, but I won't go into that right now...I know those posts are coming and I'm sure I'll get sick of them just like I'm sure my poor friends are sick of hearing about it...(thank goodness I have several different circles of friends so I can give them all a break.)
Today I feel like I'm joining the world again. 
I had a great dinner and a few glasses of Pinot Noir (LOVE PINOTS!!) great damned chicken wings (I'm so picky about those), great damned pizza and great company coming from someone I didn't really expect to have it come from.  I'll call him Rink.
I went to dinner with Rink to a new place that I've never been and had a wonderful time.  He let me vent, which was nice.  Didn't have much to say, but just let me talk.  The good, the bad.  He just let me talk.  Then he said "You just have to see how great other people think you are.  When you believe what other people see its going to be great for you."
I've heard things like this over and over and over again from my inner circle of people I hold near and dear (I've chalked that up to them being biased cause they are my friends), but this came from someone whom I've never really had a deep conversation with.  Who I've never really let be apart of my inner circle (I'm a Scorpio BTW).  THEN the next thing he said floored me. 
Rink is very good friends with a previous ex that I will call DN (Douche Nozzle - I learned that phrase yesterday and loved it).  They do Taco Tuesdays together, etc...etc...and that's taken me a year to come to terms with this because I HATE DN...anyway I'm getting off topic which I do often as most people with ADD do.  ANYWAY.  The thing that he said that floored me was DN fully admitted what he did to me was horrible.  I know I'll never hear an apology from DN, but the fact that he would admit it was incredible to me.  It still didn't make me feel bad for dunking DNs toothbrush in the toilet when I was moving out and scrubbing the inside of the toilet with said toothbrush then putting it back in the toothbrush holder. 

I'm super excited for my girls happy hour tonight.  Margaritas.  I love GOOD margaritas.  I love being around grounded and happy women who are secure in themselves.  This is what I am looking forward to most.  I thrive off of people like this.  Then I'm off to Jet to hang out with some friends I haven't seen in a very long time that I've missed very much.  I think a VIP table and surrounding myself amongst my beautiful friends is just what I need.  Saturday I'm going back to my most favorite ever yoga class.  I have such a girl crush on my teacher.  She's beautiful.  There's also something about her that just makes you surrender your soul for an hour out of the day.  She makes you want to lay your heart out and gives you insightful things to think about.  Almost Eat, Pray, Love-ish.  AND she helped me get over my fear of doing handstands.  Not that I can do them myself yet, but I don't freak out when I'm upside down anymore.  Which I find slightly poetic since my entire life is turning upside down.  (Self discovery wise).  Then onto the biggest concert here in Denver.  I get to see 6 or so of my favorite bands and i'm going to be with my one of my besties and her husband and other friends. 
Sunday will be hard because that's the day that GC (the recent break up) and I would invite everyone (mostly his friends) over to my pool and spend the day with friends in the sun, then have a great dinner, great sex, watch a movie and Entourage or whatever series we were on and fall asleep together.  I would fall asleep with my face pressed on his arm and the smell of his skin would put me into such a relaxed and content state that nightmares wouldn't plague me like they usually do.  But I won't think about that right now...
Right now, its time for me to focus on work and getting through Friday at the office.  My boss told me I looked nice today - he never tells me I look nice...guess I've been a little bit of a slob and haggard looking from the lack of sleep and anxiety for a while.
Head Up, Chin Up right?