My drive into work this morning gave me an insane urge to write.
I don't think I will ever get over the beauty of watching the sun rise and the colors that explode and paint the sky. The mountains themselves a wonderous contrast; the purpleish foothills against the stark white snow covered peaks that are surrounded by beautiful pinks and blues of the sky. Photos never do it justice. I've tried. I just sit at the same stoplight on early mornings like this and feel at peace and at the same time feel the urge to want to strap on my snowboard and just be up there. I wish that there was a lift at a resort that was open that early. Maybe once I get good enough to be like those snowboarders that just glide effortlessly down the mountain it will happen. One day I would like to glide down the mountain with the beauty of a sunrise such as the one I experienced this morning. On days like these with views like that, I just feel like I want to burst out of my body and fly. Weird? Maybe, but these are the only words that I know how to describe it.
CB called me last night. We chatted for a very long time...saying everything, yet saying nothing. He kept saying he missed me. I dreamt about him all night last night. Its hard to be indifferent and distant when someone has somehow kept a part of you...and you want nothing more than that person...connections like this are hard to come by. We both know this, distance and circumstance make anything impossible. I wanted my romantic movie experience. I am living it. However, I would like to skip to the last scene and see how this plays out. Its strange to feel about your life the way you do while watching that romantic comedy where the two main characters meet, fall in "something", lust, want and need each other and something always keeps them apart. You want to scream at them, "JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN ALREADY!!", and then it takes them 20 or so years to finally be together. Why the hell did I watch Letters to Juliette the other night??? Because I am a sucker for romance. I am in love with love. I want to be in love because there is nothing more amazing than feeling those butterflies and it feeling like the world is spinning or you are spinning and falling at the same time, yet your feet never leave the ground and everything looks brighter, fuller, wonderful. I love loving someone with everything that I have. Wanting to make them smile, not being able to stop thinking about them, wanting to be with them because its almost painful to be apart. **sigh**
Counting hours until I leave for Hawaii...I feel like I can't breathe here. Almost the way I felt leaving there. I'm so homesick for the ocean and the air, the sun and family. I'm homesick for everything familiar and I'm exhausted. I need to go home. I need my family. I just need to "be".
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays to everyone out there who reads my words...Whoever you all are :-)
xoxo,
Me.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Dissapointed.
No drumroll, no need to wonder how dinner with CB went. He bailed. I got a text that said he might have to apre. The snow was to good.
SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
Nice.
Like using the French term for gotta stay and party and booze it up is going to lessen the blow that he's blowing me off.
(The actual meaning is: Après-ski (French: after skiing) refers to going out, having drinks, dancing, and generally socializing after skiing. It is popular in the Alps, where skiers often stop at bars on their last run of the day while still wearing all their ski gear. The concept is similar to the nineteenth hole in golf. This can also happen anywhere in the world where there is snow. In the United States, the term is used more broadly to describe the atmosphere of ski resorts and ski culture, ski themed architecture and decor, and the ski oriented lifestyle in general.)
So I sent him a text back that said "I figured so, have fun. Well I was excited to see you. Have a blast in the snow and happy holidays. Ciao."
I'm hoping that came across as a polite Go Fuck Yourself. With some Italian mixed in there for good measure.
I got an immediate response back that said that his friend wrecked his car and they have to wait for his wife to get done. I didn't respond back.
Yes, I'm highly dissapointed and hurt. Not that I really expected to see him tonight. I just really really hoped I would. Actually more than hoped.
Is it Saturday yet?
SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
Nice.
Like using the French term for gotta stay and party and booze it up is going to lessen the blow that he's blowing me off.
(The actual meaning is: Après-ski (French: after skiing) refers to going out, having drinks, dancing, and generally socializing after skiing. It is popular in the Alps, where skiers often stop at bars on their last run of the day while still wearing all their ski gear. The concept is similar to the nineteenth hole in golf. This can also happen anywhere in the world where there is snow. In the United States, the term is used more broadly to describe the atmosphere of ski resorts and ski culture, ski themed architecture and decor, and the ski oriented lifestyle in general.)
So I sent him a text back that said "I figured so, have fun. Well I was excited to see you. Have a blast in the snow and happy holidays. Ciao."
I'm hoping that came across as a polite Go Fuck Yourself. With some Italian mixed in there for good measure.
I got an immediate response back that said that his friend wrecked his car and they have to wait for his wife to get done. I didn't respond back.
Yes, I'm highly dissapointed and hurt. Not that I really expected to see him tonight. I just really really hoped I would. Actually more than hoped.
Is it Saturday yet?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Christmas, Christmas!!
I am ANXIOUSLY counting days till Monday since there is so much to look forward to next week.
First of all - CB IS COMING TO TOWN!! Okay, well, he's skiing in Vail and will hopefully be able to get back Monday night for dinner. I almost cried when he sent me the text of "I miss you!" after we talked. Cross your fingers for good driving weather and that the tunnel isn't backed up for three hours!!!
Wednesday I'm having happy hour with my friend who broke up with me a few months back...remember that one?
Cornell has been randomly texting about really nothing off and on. Yesterday he sent me a text that said he was sorry we haven't been able to catch up, he just needed some down time. I don't get this one. I haven't bothered to initiate texts, but I'm not rude and just not returning them. Something about this one has got me intrigued. Probably because there isn't much else to occupy my time.
I also disabled my Facebook account. HUGE for me.
Next Saturday, yes, Christmas morning I jump on a plane for a 7 hour flight back home to Hawaii. I cannot wait to feel those trade winds, feel sand between my toes, hear the ocean, smell the salt in the air and see my family and friends...ESPECIALLY my niece and nephew...oh how I've missed them!!!
OH - I do have a date to tell about!! I met this guy at the Rio the other night and having 4 Rio margies (the limit is actually 3...) I thought he was cute and gave him my number. We went out and there was no spark. He actually told me he didn't have any cool clothes until last year when he dated this girl that worked at the Buckle. It was my understanding that only high school girls worked at the Buckle...anyway - I manipulated the entire conversation because I was bored, I thought I came off horrible and figured that I wouldn't be hearing from him again. Don't get me wrong, he was a really nice guy, but young. I didn't get an exact age and I know that I keep saying I need a nice guy, but I'd like one around my own age...or at least in the same age bracket.
Anyway, I did hear from him the next day. SIGH. He said he had a great time (WHAT??) and asked if I was doing something on Friday. I texted him back and said I had plans the whole weekend. Not 5 minutes later he was asking me if I wanted to go to Vegas the next weekend...WHAT!?!?!? Okay, I'm all for spontaneous trips - but with people that I know!!
WEIRD!!
I texted him back and very nicely and politely said thank you for the offer but it wasn't a good idea and that thank you for a really nice dinner, but we probably shouldn't do it again.
I wanted to be nice, but totally up front. I hate when a guy doesn't want to see me again and makes up some bullshit excuse as to why and you know its a bullshit excuse and you just wish they'd be honest with you. I mean it sucks to say, but if you tell someone that you don't want to see them again it saves everyone time and energy. No one can get overly mad at you if you were honest with them. So, hopefully, dating Karma will come back to me.
I read this really cool blog by a girl who lives here in Denver and she posted Break-Up Etiquette 101. I think these are some fabulous rules to keep in your back pocket:
Break - Up Etiquette 101. I hope she doesn't mind me using her link!!!
First of all - CB IS COMING TO TOWN!! Okay, well, he's skiing in Vail and will hopefully be able to get back Monday night for dinner. I almost cried when he sent me the text of "I miss you!" after we talked. Cross your fingers for good driving weather and that the tunnel isn't backed up for three hours!!!
Wednesday I'm having happy hour with my friend who broke up with me a few months back...remember that one?
Cornell has been randomly texting about really nothing off and on. Yesterday he sent me a text that said he was sorry we haven't been able to catch up, he just needed some down time. I don't get this one. I haven't bothered to initiate texts, but I'm not rude and just not returning them. Something about this one has got me intrigued. Probably because there isn't much else to occupy my time.
I also disabled my Facebook account. HUGE for me.
Next Saturday, yes, Christmas morning I jump on a plane for a 7 hour flight back home to Hawaii. I cannot wait to feel those trade winds, feel sand between my toes, hear the ocean, smell the salt in the air and see my family and friends...ESPECIALLY my niece and nephew...oh how I've missed them!!!
OH - I do have a date to tell about!! I met this guy at the Rio the other night and having 4 Rio margies (the limit is actually 3...) I thought he was cute and gave him my number. We went out and there was no spark. He actually told me he didn't have any cool clothes until last year when he dated this girl that worked at the Buckle. It was my understanding that only high school girls worked at the Buckle...anyway - I manipulated the entire conversation because I was bored, I thought I came off horrible and figured that I wouldn't be hearing from him again. Don't get me wrong, he was a really nice guy, but young. I didn't get an exact age and I know that I keep saying I need a nice guy, but I'd like one around my own age...or at least in the same age bracket.
Anyway, I did hear from him the next day. SIGH. He said he had a great time (WHAT??) and asked if I was doing something on Friday. I texted him back and said I had plans the whole weekend. Not 5 minutes later he was asking me if I wanted to go to Vegas the next weekend...WHAT!?!?!? Okay, I'm all for spontaneous trips - but with people that I know!!
WEIRD!!
I texted him back and very nicely and politely said thank you for the offer but it wasn't a good idea and that thank you for a really nice dinner, but we probably shouldn't do it again.
I wanted to be nice, but totally up front. I hate when a guy doesn't want to see me again and makes up some bullshit excuse as to why and you know its a bullshit excuse and you just wish they'd be honest with you. I mean it sucks to say, but if you tell someone that you don't want to see them again it saves everyone time and energy. No one can get overly mad at you if you were honest with them. So, hopefully, dating Karma will come back to me.
I read this really cool blog by a girl who lives here in Denver and she posted Break-Up Etiquette 101. I think these are some fabulous rules to keep in your back pocket:
Break - Up Etiquette 101. I hope she doesn't mind me using her link!!!
The Top 5 Break-Up Rules
1. NEVER EVER use the line, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
2. Yes, it’s really OK (and highly appropriate) to kick the ex off Facebook.
3. Don’t drop off the face of someone’s planet if you are “in a relationship.” If you want to call it off, look at that person face to face. Have the respect for each other to honestly talk and express feelings. Don’t avoid phone calls all together! Give each other an equal say. And if you’ve only been out on a few dates, AT LEAST text the person the “old fashioned way” and explain you’re done. Give someone the courtesy of knowing you’ve moved on…even if you’ve moved on to NO ONE…or some random person the night before. Remember, karma’s a bitch…and you don’t want that riding your tail the rest of your dating career.
4. Don’t steal your ex’s friends…“Go get your own damn friends!”
5. And finally…after breaking up with someone, don’t call or text asking to get some “late night booty.”
I highly recommend that you read the entire post. Its pretty awesome.
Anyway. Hopefully I'll have a great post on Tuesday. Fingers crossed everyone. Seeing CB Monday night is going to be worth dealing with Tuesday...
xoxo,
Me.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Going into December...
Well everyone, its the end of the year. Halloween has passed, my birthday has passed, I'm one year older (and not doing well adjusting to this fact), Thanksgiving feasting is over with and now its onto the Christmas season, for which I am GOING HOME!!!!
in 24 days I will be spending nine days in Honolulu to do nothing but relax in the sun, listen to the surf, visit with friends that I haven't seen in forever, visit with my family and just take a break from life.
Not that I have much to take a break from except driving myself crazy over the opposite sex, dating them and figuring them out, over analyzing every word and action until I've driven half of my guy friends insane, most of my girlfriends crazy and practically driven myself into a bumbling idiot. I don't know how people do it. Dating sucks.
Second date with Cornell was yours truly at her absolute worst. I'm not talking foot in mouth, I'm not talking sassy...I'm talking clumsy and scatter brained. I was not calm, cool, collected...I've practically got my head in my hands while I write this...
I'm totally rushed since we agreed to meet at 6:30 - its a Friday night. There's rush hour traffic...not only to I have to put in a full day at work and not leave until 5, but I've got to go home, get cute, figure out what to wear and get to the Highlands by 6:30...its not totally impossible, but its got me freaking out. I don't do well under stress like this.
I get to the restaurant - it was just easier for me to meet him there - I'm about 10 minutes late (thank you rush hour traffic) and I rush into the bar area where he's sitting feeling like I'm making a Kramer-like entrance.
I take off my coat and I'm FREEZING in my cute silky chocolate brown dress and strappy shoes. One of those classic dresses that is so visually silky and shiny that men cannot resist trying to touch. Classic and tempting all at the same time (Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for you men).
I seem to think that I've gotten myself together by the time our second round of mojitos came around...until I realized that I really hadn't had anything to eat since lunch...and my head is kinda light. So we order dinner and finishing my second mojito, I ask for a Chardonnay. I mean you CAN'T drink MOJITOS in this dress - its like wearing Armani to a white trash party...you just don't insult your clothes like that!!
I get up at this point to go to the bathroom. I'm planning my walk out, make sure I'm walking slow, seductively, eyes on him and girls you KNOW you do this when you know you look this good!! He's switched chairs and right in line of vision. He's totally watching me, I smile and I'm getting so close to our table, ready to walk up and stand right in front of him knowing he'll put his arms around me for even just a second. Its a total calculated seduction moment. Right up to the table I go - and my heel slips on the slick floor and I practically crash into the table.
OH DEAR GOD!!!
I cover it up by laughing and calling myself clumsy - after all our first date was right after I got my concussion...to which he responded by scooting his chair close and put his hand on my leg - which started moving very slightly back and forth against that amazing silky dress material.
Thinking everything is fine at this point and trying to cover up humiliation, I pick up my wine glass and somehow spill half of it down the front of myself, all over my dress and in my haste to try to dry it up somehow and PRAYING he didn't notice, grabbed my linen napkin and knocked my silverware off the table making the loudest clanging noise EVER...
Please let me die now...please let the floor open up and swallow me now so I don't have to look at him.
I glanced at him staring at me and put my head in my hands for a second then looked at him and said - "well, now that I've made a total ass of myself, I'm completely embarrassed and I think I'm just going to go home now."
He just smiled at me and suggested we get out of there and go somewhere else.
Well, anyway...the rest of the night went SO much better - downright fantastic actually.
I don't know who kissed who first or how or when it happened, but we turned into "that" couple in the bar that you get disgusted by and you just want to tell them to get a room. Couldn't keep our hands off of each other, could barely come up for air.
So I took him home where we polished off the rest of my chocolate vodka and proceeded to tear each other apart.
I'll save the TMI parts, but it was one of those sex, nap, sex, nap nights and all during all naps he slept with his arms around me.
I rate him in the top 2. And hot, oh lordy he's just drool worthy with no clothes on - the type that you just can't get enough of and can't keep your hands off of...
Our third date was the same way...but didn't end all that great. I asked him if I'd get to see him before he left for Boston and his reply was maybe. MAYBE??
To which he replied, "I'm playing hard to get"...
Completly baffled into a speachless silence, I watched him get into his car...
I'm pretty sure thats the last I'll see of him. And when I say pretty sure, I made one last ditch effort a few days later to see if he'd like to hang out...I got a reply from him almost 24 hours later saying he had plans. I haven't responded. Quite frankly I don't want to.
One of my guy friends chastised me a little about giving it up on the 2nd date...
I'm not devistated by any means, more irritated than anything and of course there is always that nagging voice in the back of your mind that always keeps you wondering "what happened??"
Well, I may never know. I may never hear from him again, and I'm actually fine with that. and the best thing about it is i'm not trying to convince myself of being fine with it. I learned with GC, there is nothing that you can do to make someone want you if they don't.
But honestly, I'm so OVER dating. I'm TIRED of it. I think my prince charming may have gotten lost or maybe his GPS is as horrible as mine and he can't find me...so if you happen to come upon him, please let him know that he needs to email me so I can send him detailed instructions to where I am.
xoxo,
Me
in 24 days I will be spending nine days in Honolulu to do nothing but relax in the sun, listen to the surf, visit with friends that I haven't seen in forever, visit with my family and just take a break from life.
Not that I have much to take a break from except driving myself crazy over the opposite sex, dating them and figuring them out, over analyzing every word and action until I've driven half of my guy friends insane, most of my girlfriends crazy and practically driven myself into a bumbling idiot. I don't know how people do it. Dating sucks.
Second date with Cornell was yours truly at her absolute worst. I'm not talking foot in mouth, I'm not talking sassy...I'm talking clumsy and scatter brained. I was not calm, cool, collected...I've practically got my head in my hands while I write this...
I'm totally rushed since we agreed to meet at 6:30 - its a Friday night. There's rush hour traffic...not only to I have to put in a full day at work and not leave until 5, but I've got to go home, get cute, figure out what to wear and get to the Highlands by 6:30...its not totally impossible, but its got me freaking out. I don't do well under stress like this.
I get to the restaurant - it was just easier for me to meet him there - I'm about 10 minutes late (thank you rush hour traffic) and I rush into the bar area where he's sitting feeling like I'm making a Kramer-like entrance.
I take off my coat and I'm FREEZING in my cute silky chocolate brown dress and strappy shoes. One of those classic dresses that is so visually silky and shiny that men cannot resist trying to touch. Classic and tempting all at the same time (Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for you men).
I seem to think that I've gotten myself together by the time our second round of mojitos came around...until I realized that I really hadn't had anything to eat since lunch...and my head is kinda light. So we order dinner and finishing my second mojito, I ask for a Chardonnay. I mean you CAN'T drink MOJITOS in this dress - its like wearing Armani to a white trash party...you just don't insult your clothes like that!!
I get up at this point to go to the bathroom. I'm planning my walk out, make sure I'm walking slow, seductively, eyes on him and girls you KNOW you do this when you know you look this good!! He's switched chairs and right in line of vision. He's totally watching me, I smile and I'm getting so close to our table, ready to walk up and stand right in front of him knowing he'll put his arms around me for even just a second. Its a total calculated seduction moment. Right up to the table I go - and my heel slips on the slick floor and I practically crash into the table.
OH DEAR GOD!!!
I cover it up by laughing and calling myself clumsy - after all our first date was right after I got my concussion...to which he responded by scooting his chair close and put his hand on my leg - which started moving very slightly back and forth against that amazing silky dress material.
Thinking everything is fine at this point and trying to cover up humiliation, I pick up my wine glass and somehow spill half of it down the front of myself, all over my dress and in my haste to try to dry it up somehow and PRAYING he didn't notice, grabbed my linen napkin and knocked my silverware off the table making the loudest clanging noise EVER...
Please let me die now...please let the floor open up and swallow me now so I don't have to look at him.
I glanced at him staring at me and put my head in my hands for a second then looked at him and said - "well, now that I've made a total ass of myself, I'm completely embarrassed and I think I'm just going to go home now."
He just smiled at me and suggested we get out of there and go somewhere else.
Well, anyway...the rest of the night went SO much better - downright fantastic actually.
I don't know who kissed who first or how or when it happened, but we turned into "that" couple in the bar that you get disgusted by and you just want to tell them to get a room. Couldn't keep our hands off of each other, could barely come up for air.
So I took him home where we polished off the rest of my chocolate vodka and proceeded to tear each other apart.
I'll save the TMI parts, but it was one of those sex, nap, sex, nap nights and all during all naps he slept with his arms around me.
I rate him in the top 2. And hot, oh lordy he's just drool worthy with no clothes on - the type that you just can't get enough of and can't keep your hands off of...
Our third date was the same way...but didn't end all that great. I asked him if I'd get to see him before he left for Boston and his reply was maybe. MAYBE??
To which he replied, "I'm playing hard to get"...
Completly baffled into a speachless silence, I watched him get into his car...
I'm pretty sure thats the last I'll see of him. And when I say pretty sure, I made one last ditch effort a few days later to see if he'd like to hang out...I got a reply from him almost 24 hours later saying he had plans. I haven't responded. Quite frankly I don't want to.
One of my guy friends chastised me a little about giving it up on the 2nd date...
I'm not devistated by any means, more irritated than anything and of course there is always that nagging voice in the back of your mind that always keeps you wondering "what happened??"
Well, I may never know. I may never hear from him again, and I'm actually fine with that. and the best thing about it is i'm not trying to convince myself of being fine with it. I learned with GC, there is nothing that you can do to make someone want you if they don't.
But honestly, I'm so OVER dating. I'm TIRED of it. I think my prince charming may have gotten lost or maybe his GPS is as horrible as mine and he can't find me...so if you happen to come upon him, please let him know that he needs to email me so I can send him detailed instructions to where I am.
xoxo,
Me
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Catch up, cold pizza, birthdays and I hit a wall.
I knew I had written a blog since the last one...I just forgot to post it...GEESH!!!
So a LOT has happened since I've last posted anything. But, I really want to know WHO is reading what I write...I see everyday that SOMEONE is reading my blog. Someone is reading the words that I send out into cyberspace. Doesn't anyone have any opinions, comments, words of wisdom, words of critique...stories to share?
So on the LOTS that's happened:
Went out with Alex and the guy from Cornell. Alex turned out to be too much. We had a few fun dates. He interrupted me a lot, talked about himself a lot but I figured it was a fair trade for the dinners he took me to - after being with GC for so long and going to bars and eating bar food (unless I insisted on going somewhere else) it was nice to be taken to restaurants where the sliders and pizza weren't the best thing they served. It was also kind of nice to be ordered for. One thing that Alex could do was order I will tell you that!! OH - and he can sing and play the guitar which was awesome. Alas, it came down to this - he just reminded me of a Golden Retriever puppy. That's what came to mind. He was always just happy and excited about everything. EVERYTHING. Well, that was until the night of my birthday party when I took him home. I'll GLADLY skip all of the unnecessary details and it wasn't bad, I mean it wasn't the greatest. It was like cold pizza. It'll do if its there but its not something that you want again.
Mr. LA. A guy that I have been in love with since I was in my 20's suddenly did one of his reappearing acts after disappearing for over a year suddenly texted me to say Happy Birthday...then telling me that he wants to come visit...and yes, I got sucked back in!!!
So that takes us to my birthday party. Yours truly showed up late to her own party and really the only part of it that I actually remember was walking into the bar with my football helmet on and the rest is history. I've been told by several people that my party was an Epic time. Its sad that I was there and don't remember anything but bits and pieces. Thank goodness there were 200 pictures on my camera the next day...lets just say it was HILARIOUS and I admit a little unnerving to see photos of myself looking somewhat coherent. I guess this is another one of those moments that when I die will flash before my eyes and I will say "so...THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!!!"
This takes us to birthday day - I took the day off of work to go snowboarding. I have been overly excited about getting up to the slopes - ESPECIALLY since I have new boots and pants to wear. My birthday wish was granted by the great powers of the universe and a huge snowstorm blew in right when I was heading up the mountain on the lift for my very first run of the season. NEVER MIND that there was a HUGE sign at the base of the mountain that said something to the effect of BEGINNERS GO HOME. Keep this in mind. I have not been on my board or on the mountain since the end of last season when I caught the back edge of my snowboard doing a turn and facing up the mountain and body slammed myself and hit my head so hard that I got a concussion.
Well. Lets just say that the exact same thing happened on my first run down. Lets just say that after a few more falls and the massive snowstorm that blew in - my first day up wasn't much fun. NOTE to beginning snowboarders or skiers - don't go up by yourself and try to tackle something that is not a green. So, now, for my birthday so far I've had an EPIC birthday party that I don't remember, mediocre sex that I wish I didn't remember, my birthday wish of a lot of snow, a few runs down the mountain and a concussion. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Two and a half hours later lets just say I was heading back down the mountain for home. Thank god I had taken a few Advil before I left that morning otherwise the drive home after those nasty spills would not have been as smooth as it was...never mind that that fantastic snow storm that brought my birthday wish iced over the roads and made it impossible to see more than 10 feet ahead and driving over 20 mph was even more impossible.
The rest of the afternoon was spent with my fabulous Ellie driving around town to get more feather extensions put in my hair (more birthday stuff) and the beanie from Luluemon that I have been lusting after for weeks. So lets see, epic party, mediocre sex, snow, concussion, feather extensions and a beanie. Thank goodness I still had my birthday dinner to look forward to. I knew they were doing a dinner for me, but I had no idea where or who was coming.
Lets rewind to my drive back down the mountain. I did chat with Alex for a little bit. He said he was going to dinner with a "teacher friend" at Max's amongst the chit chat and lost signal down the hill.
Max's is my absolute favorite restaurant. Great all night happy hour on Thursdays, great food, great atmosphere, super fun bartenders and of course where I met Cornell.
Okay, so now fast forward to 7 pm. I'm being picked up, I've gotten over 100 happy birthdays by phone calls, Facebook, texts and email. I even got a phone call from my brother. A shock within itself!!! As we're driving I'm thinking were heading to Saucy Noodle - after all we all love Italian!! Um, but wait a second. We're heading to the Wash Park area. Down an all too familiar road...parking and I'm looking around and we start walking past all of the restaurants until the only two places left are Wash Park Tavern and - oh shit. Max's.
We walk in and of course I do the most immature thing and turn my back toward the bar where I see him. He's only met Melissa once before at my birthday party so even if he looked over, he wouldn't recognize her and he'd never know I was there. As we're seated, our table is RIGHT in his line of vision, I glance over, he's still looking oblivious to us being there, but he's by himself - huh.
Anyway, Sarah shows up and I proceed to tell her and Melissa about "cold pizza" and fill Sarah in on why Alex is sitting at the bar. At that moment my most favorite bartender that I have lusted over for weeks comes up bringing shots - Compliments of someone at the bar. AW FUCK. But hey, what the hell, I need this shot about now. Cheers ladies. Bottoms up.
And wouldn't you know who comes up about 5 minutes later. I thanked Alex for the shots he had sent over and he said I didn't know you were here until (insert bartender name here) said "Look who just walked in". I looked at him and said - the girls surprised me with dinner here tonight. I didn't want to interrupt you, I know you were having dinner with someone." At that he kissed me on my cheek and hugged me asked me how my head was and headed back to the bar.
About 10 minutes later Candace and her friend showed up and she was like - "I just went up to Alex at the bar and asked him if you guys were here yet, and he said you guys were sitting up here." I looked at her and said "He's on a date."
Now, lets stop here. I didn't care that he was on a date. I didn't want a do over, I knew about him being there with someone else. I knew that none of my friends liked him and quite frankly everything was just "off" with him. Nothing really 'clicked'. He was fun, young and made me smile...and spent a LOT on dinner. **smile**
What happened after this was when I hit that wall. That wall that I somehow hit when I have been a little too out of control. Acting like a train about to derail. That wall that somehow hits me when I've been drinking too much, out of 'center' and scattered.
Too many shots, too much wine, having a concussion and having the fact that I am 34 years old now, I don't think enough of myself, spending time with a TWENTY SEVEN year old. That on top of the stone cold fact of turning THIRTY FOUR hit me. I'd had a plan. NONE of that plan happened. And then another fact hit me. I'd wished for someone special every year. Someone to love, someone to love me back. A significant other. This year I wished for snow. I got my wish this year.
And then the tears started.
And they got worse. And I sent Alex a text to tell him that I couldn't see him anymore. No explanation. Just a text - I can't see you anymore.
And lets say I will NOT be returning to Max's.
Well, the night isn't over yet. This train wreck was just on shaky wheels.
I made an important decision on the seven minute ride home. As many times as I've said it, I'm going to put it into actual effect now. I will not be someones option or past time anymore. I am not going to keep seeing someone just because its better than being alone sometimes. I want to be a priority.
So I sent Mr.LA a text that basically said that I'm not that 27 year old child anymore, I'm 34 now and as much as I've been in love with him all these years, I don't want to be a past time and I don't want to be someone he passes time with after he's decided to stop being non existent for a year or two at a time...well, something to that effect anyway. And I sent it. And then I copied it to send it to Sarah and Melissa to show them that I wasn't going to be a doormat anymore. And I pasted it into an open text window...and accidentally sent it to Alex.
Train has officially hit wall.
Oh hell...now he thinks I'm crazy...at least now I know I'll definitely never hear from him again.
And so I went to bed.
And I woke up hung over with the ramifications of my concussion making sure I knew I should never drink that much ever again when I have a concussion.
Holy happy birthday.
Fuck me.
The next morning I woke up to lights hurting my eyes, my head swimming, and it was a little hard for me to talk and my thoughts were very slow. I think its very sad when you are all too familiar with how a concussion works. I went to work and my boss just shook his head at my glassy eyes and said "YOU HIT YOUR HEAD AGAIN?? Maybe you need to try skiing and give up trying to snowboard. Stop hurting yourself."
I got a text from Cornell that morning asking if we were still on for dinner that night. I didn't much feel up for it at that moment, but I figured with a nap and a little more Advil I'd be fine...after all since I was moving a little slow and after my epiphany last night, it couldn't hurt...
I met him at Protos - one of my favorite pizza places. Down low, casual, low lights (THANK GOD). I hadn't seen Cornell since I met him that night weeks ago at Max's. Cuter than I remembered. Very smart. The kind of guy that has quiet confidence and doesn't have to brag about himself. It was calming to be around him and he seemed genuinely concerned when I told him about how hard I had hit my head the day before. He speaks very highly of his family. We shared a few party stories, so I'm thinking he'll be able to handle keeping up with me there. He reminded me of the parts of GC I liked, but Cornell has drive and has a lot of things going for him. He also didn't say anything horrible or negative about his friends getting married. I sent a silent thank you up to God for that one.
I hugged him goodbye at the end of dinner. When I got home I sent him a text that I was home safe and I had a great time and we should get together again if he was up for it. I got one back from him that said he had a great time too and yes, we'll definitely go out again.
And at that I let my phone sit quiet. I didn't text him "just saying Hi!". I didn't text him to see how his week was or if he was free some night like I normally would. He called me on Sunday during the second quarter of a very enthralling Broncos Game that I was watching on TV on his way to the airport to see how the rest of my week had gone, how my head was and to see if I had any free time to get together again, but he knew I was probably watching the Broncos game, so if I wanted to call him back I could. I figured I could multi task and the Broncos were doing amazing so we chatted while he was driving to the airport. Were going out Friday night.
I started reading a book called Being Happy. I've started being calmer about things that involve another person. I started really realizing and not just at face value that I can't do anything about anyone other than me. I can't force someone to want to spend time with me. I can't make someone want to go out with me. If I want to be someones priority, I need to give someone the chance to do so and stop trying to take control of everything. Its been hard. Even this week. I've stayed home, I've cooked myself dinner (which sucked by the way). I'm dog sitting a friends dog, I've been getting up early in the morning and running on the treadmill again, although I can't do it for long before my head starts throbbing, but that will go away soon.
I still don't quite get why I haven't been swept up into another relationship again as I have time and time and time again. Why someone doesn't want to spend every waking minute with me...and then I realize that if I do that again like I have SO many times before, nothing will change and I'll lose even the baby steps I've taken to get a little bit back on track. I'll get wrapped up again in someone else and forget, again that I'm supposed to be fixing me.
I'm not sure how the dating thing works really, but I do know that lately I have kept the words from the book and movie "He's Just Not That Into You" repeating over and over and over " if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."
And until I find that guy who doesn't make it so difficult to hang out with, that calls me to ask me out, I'm not going to try. I won't be making an effort anymore. I've made tons of efforts.
All efforts will be focused on me.
And I've made a conscious effort to stop drinking so much. Lord knows I don't want to hit that wall again.
But to my friends, if you see me getting off track again...acting like a train wreck, getting scattered and unfocused. Just tell me, email me, facebook me, text me these words "you're derailing".
Sometimes when you live alone and have no responsibility but to show up to work and make sure you take a shower and brush your teeth, its easy to get off track and get scattered...
xoxo,
Me.
So a LOT has happened since I've last posted anything. But, I really want to know WHO is reading what I write...I see everyday that SOMEONE is reading my blog. Someone is reading the words that I send out into cyberspace. Doesn't anyone have any opinions, comments, words of wisdom, words of critique...stories to share?
So on the LOTS that's happened:
Went out with Alex and the guy from Cornell. Alex turned out to be too much. We had a few fun dates. He interrupted me a lot, talked about himself a lot but I figured it was a fair trade for the dinners he took me to - after being with GC for so long and going to bars and eating bar food (unless I insisted on going somewhere else) it was nice to be taken to restaurants where the sliders and pizza weren't the best thing they served. It was also kind of nice to be ordered for. One thing that Alex could do was order I will tell you that!! OH - and he can sing and play the guitar which was awesome. Alas, it came down to this - he just reminded me of a Golden Retriever puppy. That's what came to mind. He was always just happy and excited about everything. EVERYTHING. Well, that was until the night of my birthday party when I took him home. I'll GLADLY skip all of the unnecessary details and it wasn't bad, I mean it wasn't the greatest. It was like cold pizza. It'll do if its there but its not something that you want again.
Mr. LA. A guy that I have been in love with since I was in my 20's suddenly did one of his reappearing acts after disappearing for over a year suddenly texted me to say Happy Birthday...then telling me that he wants to come visit...and yes, I got sucked back in!!!
So that takes us to my birthday party. Yours truly showed up late to her own party and really the only part of it that I actually remember was walking into the bar with my football helmet on and the rest is history. I've been told by several people that my party was an Epic time. Its sad that I was there and don't remember anything but bits and pieces. Thank goodness there were 200 pictures on my camera the next day...lets just say it was HILARIOUS and I admit a little unnerving to see photos of myself looking somewhat coherent. I guess this is another one of those moments that when I die will flash before my eyes and I will say "so...THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!!!"
This takes us to birthday day - I took the day off of work to go snowboarding. I have been overly excited about getting up to the slopes - ESPECIALLY since I have new boots and pants to wear. My birthday wish was granted by the great powers of the universe and a huge snowstorm blew in right when I was heading up the mountain on the lift for my very first run of the season. NEVER MIND that there was a HUGE sign at the base of the mountain that said something to the effect of BEGINNERS GO HOME. Keep this in mind. I have not been on my board or on the mountain since the end of last season when I caught the back edge of my snowboard doing a turn and facing up the mountain and body slammed myself and hit my head so hard that I got a concussion.
Well. Lets just say that the exact same thing happened on my first run down. Lets just say that after a few more falls and the massive snowstorm that blew in - my first day up wasn't much fun. NOTE to beginning snowboarders or skiers - don't go up by yourself and try to tackle something that is not a green. So, now, for my birthday so far I've had an EPIC birthday party that I don't remember, mediocre sex that I wish I didn't remember, my birthday wish of a lot of snow, a few runs down the mountain and a concussion. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Two and a half hours later lets just say I was heading back down the mountain for home. Thank god I had taken a few Advil before I left that morning otherwise the drive home after those nasty spills would not have been as smooth as it was...never mind that that fantastic snow storm that brought my birthday wish iced over the roads and made it impossible to see more than 10 feet ahead and driving over 20 mph was even more impossible.
The rest of the afternoon was spent with my fabulous Ellie driving around town to get more feather extensions put in my hair (more birthday stuff) and the beanie from Luluemon that I have been lusting after for weeks. So lets see, epic party, mediocre sex, snow, concussion, feather extensions and a beanie. Thank goodness I still had my birthday dinner to look forward to. I knew they were doing a dinner for me, but I had no idea where or who was coming.
Lets rewind to my drive back down the mountain. I did chat with Alex for a little bit. He said he was going to dinner with a "teacher friend" at Max's amongst the chit chat and lost signal down the hill.
Max's is my absolute favorite restaurant. Great all night happy hour on Thursdays, great food, great atmosphere, super fun bartenders and of course where I met Cornell.
Okay, so now fast forward to 7 pm. I'm being picked up, I've gotten over 100 happy birthdays by phone calls, Facebook, texts and email. I even got a phone call from my brother. A shock within itself!!! As we're driving I'm thinking were heading to Saucy Noodle - after all we all love Italian!! Um, but wait a second. We're heading to the Wash Park area. Down an all too familiar road...parking and I'm looking around and we start walking past all of the restaurants until the only two places left are Wash Park Tavern and - oh shit. Max's.
We walk in and of course I do the most immature thing and turn my back toward the bar where I see him. He's only met Melissa once before at my birthday party so even if he looked over, he wouldn't recognize her and he'd never know I was there. As we're seated, our table is RIGHT in his line of vision, I glance over, he's still looking oblivious to us being there, but he's by himself - huh.
Anyway, Sarah shows up and I proceed to tell her and Melissa about "cold pizza" and fill Sarah in on why Alex is sitting at the bar. At that moment my most favorite bartender that I have lusted over for weeks comes up bringing shots - Compliments of someone at the bar. AW FUCK. But hey, what the hell, I need this shot about now. Cheers ladies. Bottoms up.
And wouldn't you know who comes up about 5 minutes later. I thanked Alex for the shots he had sent over and he said I didn't know you were here until (insert bartender name here) said "Look who just walked in". I looked at him and said - the girls surprised me with dinner here tonight. I didn't want to interrupt you, I know you were having dinner with someone." At that he kissed me on my cheek and hugged me asked me how my head was and headed back to the bar.
About 10 minutes later Candace and her friend showed up and she was like - "I just went up to Alex at the bar and asked him if you guys were here yet, and he said you guys were sitting up here." I looked at her and said "He's on a date."
Now, lets stop here. I didn't care that he was on a date. I didn't want a do over, I knew about him being there with someone else. I knew that none of my friends liked him and quite frankly everything was just "off" with him. Nothing really 'clicked'. He was fun, young and made me smile...and spent a LOT on dinner. **smile**
What happened after this was when I hit that wall. That wall that I somehow hit when I have been a little too out of control. Acting like a train about to derail. That wall that somehow hits me when I've been drinking too much, out of 'center' and scattered.
Too many shots, too much wine, having a concussion and having the fact that I am 34 years old now, I don't think enough of myself, spending time with a TWENTY SEVEN year old. That on top of the stone cold fact of turning THIRTY FOUR hit me. I'd had a plan. NONE of that plan happened. And then another fact hit me. I'd wished for someone special every year. Someone to love, someone to love me back. A significant other. This year I wished for snow. I got my wish this year.
And then the tears started.
And they got worse. And I sent Alex a text to tell him that I couldn't see him anymore. No explanation. Just a text - I can't see you anymore.
And lets say I will NOT be returning to Max's.
Well, the night isn't over yet. This train wreck was just on shaky wheels.
I made an important decision on the seven minute ride home. As many times as I've said it, I'm going to put it into actual effect now. I will not be someones option or past time anymore. I am not going to keep seeing someone just because its better than being alone sometimes. I want to be a priority.
So I sent Mr.LA a text that basically said that I'm not that 27 year old child anymore, I'm 34 now and as much as I've been in love with him all these years, I don't want to be a past time and I don't want to be someone he passes time with after he's decided to stop being non existent for a year or two at a time...well, something to that effect anyway. And I sent it. And then I copied it to send it to Sarah and Melissa to show them that I wasn't going to be a doormat anymore. And I pasted it into an open text window...and accidentally sent it to Alex.
Train has officially hit wall.
Oh hell...now he thinks I'm crazy...at least now I know I'll definitely never hear from him again.
And so I went to bed.
And I woke up hung over with the ramifications of my concussion making sure I knew I should never drink that much ever again when I have a concussion.
Holy happy birthday.
Fuck me.
The next morning I woke up to lights hurting my eyes, my head swimming, and it was a little hard for me to talk and my thoughts were very slow. I think its very sad when you are all too familiar with how a concussion works. I went to work and my boss just shook his head at my glassy eyes and said "YOU HIT YOUR HEAD AGAIN?? Maybe you need to try skiing and give up trying to snowboard. Stop hurting yourself."
I got a text from Cornell that morning asking if we were still on for dinner that night. I didn't much feel up for it at that moment, but I figured with a nap and a little more Advil I'd be fine...after all since I was moving a little slow and after my epiphany last night, it couldn't hurt...
I met him at Protos - one of my favorite pizza places. Down low, casual, low lights (THANK GOD). I hadn't seen Cornell since I met him that night weeks ago at Max's. Cuter than I remembered. Very smart. The kind of guy that has quiet confidence and doesn't have to brag about himself. It was calming to be around him and he seemed genuinely concerned when I told him about how hard I had hit my head the day before. He speaks very highly of his family. We shared a few party stories, so I'm thinking he'll be able to handle keeping up with me there. He reminded me of the parts of GC I liked, but Cornell has drive and has a lot of things going for him. He also didn't say anything horrible or negative about his friends getting married. I sent a silent thank you up to God for that one.
I hugged him goodbye at the end of dinner. When I got home I sent him a text that I was home safe and I had a great time and we should get together again if he was up for it. I got one back from him that said he had a great time too and yes, we'll definitely go out again.
And at that I let my phone sit quiet. I didn't text him "just saying Hi!". I didn't text him to see how his week was or if he was free some night like I normally would. He called me on Sunday during the second quarter of a very enthralling Broncos Game that I was watching on TV on his way to the airport to see how the rest of my week had gone, how my head was and to see if I had any free time to get together again, but he knew I was probably watching the Broncos game, so if I wanted to call him back I could. I figured I could multi task and the Broncos were doing amazing so we chatted while he was driving to the airport. Were going out Friday night.
I started reading a book called Being Happy. I've started being calmer about things that involve another person. I started really realizing and not just at face value that I can't do anything about anyone other than me. I can't force someone to want to spend time with me. I can't make someone want to go out with me. If I want to be someones priority, I need to give someone the chance to do so and stop trying to take control of everything. Its been hard. Even this week. I've stayed home, I've cooked myself dinner (which sucked by the way). I'm dog sitting a friends dog, I've been getting up early in the morning and running on the treadmill again, although I can't do it for long before my head starts throbbing, but that will go away soon.
I still don't quite get why I haven't been swept up into another relationship again as I have time and time and time again. Why someone doesn't want to spend every waking minute with me...and then I realize that if I do that again like I have SO many times before, nothing will change and I'll lose even the baby steps I've taken to get a little bit back on track. I'll get wrapped up again in someone else and forget, again that I'm supposed to be fixing me.
I'm not sure how the dating thing works really, but I do know that lately I have kept the words from the book and movie "He's Just Not That Into You" repeating over and over and over " if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."
And until I find that guy who doesn't make it so difficult to hang out with, that calls me to ask me out, I'm not going to try. I won't be making an effort anymore. I've made tons of efforts.
All efforts will be focused on me.
And I've made a conscious effort to stop drinking so much. Lord knows I don't want to hit that wall again.
But to my friends, if you see me getting off track again...acting like a train wreck, getting scattered and unfocused. Just tell me, email me, facebook me, text me these words "you're derailing".
Sometimes when you live alone and have no responsibility but to show up to work and make sure you take a shower and brush your teeth, its easy to get off track and get scattered...
xoxo,
Me.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Let the dating begin!!!!!
...AGAIN that is...
WELL, Real dating - CB wasn't dating - you can't call it dating when you've already known the person. CB is in his own category. Cataloged and shelved now since we're just friends again.
SO...last Thursday I drunkenly agreed to a date with Alex (the night I met the Cornell guy)...I didn't hear from him until I'd pretty much written our date as a no show...like 2 pm...So of course I made him wait a good 45 minutes before I responded.
We're going to Max's...yes, back to the scene of last Thursday where I met Cornell...HOW FUNNY IS THIS?? His idea - not mine. Crab legs and Sangria...YUM!
Then I get a text from CB..."Hi Cutie, any storms going on?" Really?? Really??? The weather channel can tell you that.
Whatever.
SO...Lets mind prep for being witty and charming and trying to pull together a decent outfit with 80% of my favorite items of clothing that are dirty...dammit. I knew I should have done laundry on Sunday...
Alright kids...I'll update ya soon!!!
First official date #1...
WELL, Real dating - CB wasn't dating - you can't call it dating when you've already known the person. CB is in his own category. Cataloged and shelved now since we're just friends again.
SO...last Thursday I drunkenly agreed to a date with Alex (the night I met the Cornell guy)...I didn't hear from him until I'd pretty much written our date as a no show...like 2 pm...So of course I made him wait a good 45 minutes before I responded.
We're going to Max's...yes, back to the scene of last Thursday where I met Cornell...HOW FUNNY IS THIS?? His idea - not mine. Crab legs and Sangria...YUM!
Then I get a text from CB..."Hi Cutie, any storms going on?" Really?? Really??? The weather channel can tell you that.
Whatever.
SO...Lets mind prep for being witty and charming and trying to pull together a decent outfit with 80% of my favorite items of clothing that are dirty...dammit. I knew I should have done laundry on Sunday...
Alright kids...I'll update ya soon!!!
First official date #1...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Epic Fail Broncos and other stuff...
This last weekend was the most EPIC Fail by the Denver Broncos and thank GOD that Moreno brought HIS A-game and put two TD's on the board...my goodness...for the first time ever I was ashamed and embarrassed to say I am a Broncos fan...however, like the good fan that I am - I made Nat stay until the middle of the 4th quarter. I wonder if Josh McDaniels or Kyle Orton even went home that night or stayed in some random hotel checked in under a pseudo name because he was afraid of a lynching...
Walking out of that stadium was depressing and not the least bit fun...in fact, as I put it to Nat - we did the Mile High Walk of Shame.
On another note as we back up to last Thursday...I went to happy hour with Sarah. We started off looking for a Cheerleader costume for her for my birthday party. It took us a total of 20 minutes to give up on that search and head to Wash Park Tavern to start on cocktails...and an hour later, bored to tears with the atmosphere and food, I begged her to move onto Max's...
YAY!
We proceeded to get very drunk - not on purpose...sometimes that just happens. Especially when the hot bartender brings over shots. (Bad Idea).
Cornell was having their get together that night and had taken over my favorite back area of Max's but that was OK, since a few of them headed to the front bar where we were at anyway. I took some guys name tag. We got invited to sit with a bunch of them where I proceeded to drunkenly (very might I add) argue Profit vs. Non Profit companies with one of them. The argument started by discussing Boulder people and how I love it when Non Profit people walk up to you and try to discuss how For Profit companies are evil (basically in those terms but not exactly), and how I love to tell them that I am a total For Profit employee and you can't persuade me to be otherwise. The guy sitting on my right side got the venom part of my argument.
Basically I stated, Non Profits could not exist without companies such as the one I work for - I'm proud to say we're For Profit. I'm not sure how the argument progressed but I told him without the money from people who work for For Profit companies donating to Non Profit companies, Non Profits couldn't exist so he should just shut up and go back to Boulder.
I was probably slurring every syllable.
I ended up talking to the guy on my left who from what I vaguely remember was kinda boring but kinda cute. I must have amused him or something because he got my number and gave me his card.
He waited 3 days to call me...so the 3 day rule MUST still be in effect for some guys. It was a very dry conversation, but he did ask me to dinner and of course, who am I to turn dinner down with a very successful and educated guy who isn't bad looking but definitely needs to do something with his hair. (I know this because true to form, Friday morning I was at my computer "Sherlock Holms-ing" him. After reading his LinkedIn profile, I'm wondering what on earth this guy saw in my intoxicated red and pink low lited haired self. Especially since he's more into Soccer than football...
I did learn last night that he's a skier and snowboarder and pretty good at both. Which impressed me but after our conversation last night I don't think we have anything in common. I'm going out with him Wednesday night.
Oh, and while on the subject of dates, Alex, the guy I met at the Fat Tire festival is FINALLY taking me out Tuesday night. Crab Legs and Sangria. Sweet!!!
Tonight is dinner with Melissa. Friday night pumpkin carving at Nats and I'm still not sure what on earth we're doing for Halloween.
OH, back to the subject of the pink and red low lites...I got them done on Wednesday. I love love love it. I shocked the HELL out of everyone in my office. My boss said he liked it and it was Pizazz. It was quite funny to get their reactions in the office. I wanted one more reaction. I called CB. Yep, even after I asked him to leave me alone. I missed him. A LOT and there was no one I wanted to tell more about the new hair.
He answered his phone before the first ring was finished (I can't tell you how THRILLED I was at that). We chatted like friends. He told me about his weekend and the rest of his week. That he got bit by a ton of fire ants on the golf course, then bit by something that he had to go to the ER for. How he was doing a mini triathlon or marathon or something on Saturday, then some crazy long ass bike ride on Sunday.
I told him about the 80s ski party (totally click that link and see how much fun Nat and I had for a great charity!!!!) that Nat and I went to, told him about my hair. Doing yoga in City Park with 2000 other people. (My life seems so dull compared to his...). It wasn't a long conversation, but he did say that he was very glad to hear from me and he was giving me some time like I asked. I didn't bring up anything heavy, nor did I go into how much I missed him and how sorry I was that I was a brat that last Friday morning. I just said thank you and changed the subject and told him I was picking up lunch so I had to go, but I just wanted to say hello and it was nice to hear his voice. Then I said goodbye. I heard him say "I miss you" as I was hanging the phone up and as much as I wanted to say "I MISS YOU TOO!!" I knew that it was just best to leave that remark untouched and just as it was.
I texted him a picture of my new hair, to which I got the response "You always look hot, but I like it"Then I sent him my favorite picture from the 80s Ski Party, 
To which he replied "You're too much!" and of course sent me into a huge questioning hunt to figure out if that was a good or bad thing (with myself of course...well and friends opinions...). It was good to hear his voice. He made me promise in our call that I would at least go up to the mountains once or twice to snowboard with him. Of course I said yes, well see if it actually happens.
To which he replied "You're too much!" and of course sent me into a huge questioning hunt to figure out if that was a good or bad thing (with myself of course...well and friends opinions...). It was good to hear his voice. He made me promise in our call that I would at least go up to the mountains once or twice to snowboard with him. Of course I said yes, well see if it actually happens.Lets see what happens Tuesday and Wednesday night. Lets hope I dont' mess up names. And I'm not exactly one that's got a lot of experience in the dating world. I go from relationship to relationship...so if anyone has some good advice for me, bring it on. Suggestions would be really helpful. I get nervous on dates and I stick my foot in my mouth a lot. I'm not a good "dater"... Now the big question...WHAT the hell do I wear!??!!?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The Friend Break Up
The friend break up. We've all had them. They're no different than breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend I suppose. In some ways they are much more painful.
Today a very good friend of mine sent me an email explaining that I am, (in her opinion) still making very poor choices when it comes to my life and that we are in different places in our lives and that she doesn't wish me any harm or anything bad, but she doesn't want to be friends. She didn't come right out and say that exactly, but the entire email basically stated it. It also stated that who she is friends with shouldn't upset me because of mutual friends, she will be hanging out with and or seeing my last two exes. The Douche Nozzle and GC.
UH. Ooookayyyy.
Of course the email bothered me. I'm not exactly sure as to what bad choices I'm still making - unless she is of course referring to photos of pizza and beer posted on my facebook wall...or maybe its the amount of time I spend on Facebook? Or maybe its the pictures that - well, no because I block her from all pictures I post and that are tagged of me unless its something that she was involved in. Maybe its because I do too many happy hours? Whatever it is - I'm sure she has her reasons. And she is right. I am sometimes an exhausting friend. However, I have not been going out until 2 am every night and getting absolutely shit faced. I did not run to Las Vegas and go crazy after GC and I broke up. I haven't gone out and tried to replace GC with someone just to get over him (now - CB was a rebound but COMPLETELY NOT INTENTIONAL!!!) Maybe she found my blog and doesn't like me air-ing my life out here like this. Not sure.
I'm now at a whatever stage with this. I wrote her a nice email back and said I was sorry for not being able to be more of a friend that she needs and that I will always be a phone call away should she need anything.
No response. I didn't really expect one. Not sure why she's keeping herself as a Facebook friend of mine since she feels I make poor life choices...
I admit. I haven't been the greatest friend to a lot of people lately...I've been self centered and pretty much focused on the people who are around me most...I hurt a very good friend while GC and I were together by not participating in anything for her wedding. It took her a very long time to forgive me, but she did. I point blank told her I knew I was being an asshole of a friend and I just couldn't be happy for her at that point in time. I couldn't do wedding things with her. I was in such a black hole in my life at that point. Its been a slow process in getting back into each others lives, but were trying.
Anyway...comments, opinions??? Has anyone had the same thing happen to them? Has anyone had to cut a friend of about a decade or more out because they we're just "too exhausting" and or you two were just "in different places"?
I'd really like to hear from you all...I know you're out there!! I see you all reading what I'm writing so you must have SOME kind of opinion!!! :-)
XOXO.
Today a very good friend of mine sent me an email explaining that I am, (in her opinion) still making very poor choices when it comes to my life and that we are in different places in our lives and that she doesn't wish me any harm or anything bad, but she doesn't want to be friends. She didn't come right out and say that exactly, but the entire email basically stated it. It also stated that who she is friends with shouldn't upset me because of mutual friends, she will be hanging out with and or seeing my last two exes. The Douche Nozzle and GC.
UH. Ooookayyyy.
Of course the email bothered me. I'm not exactly sure as to what bad choices I'm still making - unless she is of course referring to photos of pizza and beer posted on my facebook wall...or maybe its the amount of time I spend on Facebook? Or maybe its the pictures that - well, no because I block her from all pictures I post and that are tagged of me unless its something that she was involved in. Maybe its because I do too many happy hours? Whatever it is - I'm sure she has her reasons. And she is right. I am sometimes an exhausting friend. However, I have not been going out until 2 am every night and getting absolutely shit faced. I did not run to Las Vegas and go crazy after GC and I broke up. I haven't gone out and tried to replace GC with someone just to get over him (now - CB was a rebound but COMPLETELY NOT INTENTIONAL!!!) Maybe she found my blog and doesn't like me air-ing my life out here like this. Not sure.
I'm now at a whatever stage with this. I wrote her a nice email back and said I was sorry for not being able to be more of a friend that she needs and that I will always be a phone call away should she need anything.
No response. I didn't really expect one. Not sure why she's keeping herself as a Facebook friend of mine since she feels I make poor life choices...
I admit. I haven't been the greatest friend to a lot of people lately...I've been self centered and pretty much focused on the people who are around me most...I hurt a very good friend while GC and I were together by not participating in anything for her wedding. It took her a very long time to forgive me, but she did. I point blank told her I knew I was being an asshole of a friend and I just couldn't be happy for her at that point in time. I couldn't do wedding things with her. I was in such a black hole in my life at that point. Its been a slow process in getting back into each others lives, but were trying.
Anyway...comments, opinions??? Has anyone had the same thing happen to them? Has anyone had to cut a friend of about a decade or more out because they we're just "too exhausting" and or you two were just "in different places"?
I'd really like to hear from you all...I know you're out there!! I see you all reading what I'm writing so you must have SOME kind of opinion!!! :-)
XOXO.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Goodbye is always a sad thing...
I said goodbye to CB today. I asked him to leave me alone. Not for good, not forever, but definitely for now. He came in a day early for his business trip to see me. He made that effort, and I am SO glad that he did!!! I just smiled when I saw him at my door and didn't really let go of him unless he was in the bathroom.
When he is around its like I'm lifted into an alter reality where everything is wonderful. Everything is bright. The sun shines just for us and I am transported into this elated person that shines from the inside. He brings out everything that is good in me. He makes me want to throw my head back and laugh, to spread my arms open wide and spin in circles. His presence takes me to "that place" in life that I crave. I long for. That I want so badly. His smiles are just for me - he smiles AT me. He is the fairy tale come to life that I have always imagined. It is like being with someone I have known forever. Even though I haven't. Its very corny but its like I have known "him". Like somehow we may have been together in some other lifetime.
Until its about time for him to leave.
Then the world gets dark, the tears start to flow. I get bitter and angry. I get angry at myself for being sad and frustrated when I knew very very well what I was getting into.
Even though I never expected THIS.
He's like heroine.
I asked him this morning before the sun came up and the alarm went off, and I was being held tight, if I should even try to keep seeing him, or if he even wanted to. And he was silent. I laid there for a while and felt the all too familiar feeling of things coming to an official end. That familiar feeling of being an "option" and not a "priority". That knowing without words being said that what you both felt in the beginning is only a one sided thing now.
I understand all of the things he's got going on that he's told me about, the traveling he's doing, the options he has and the decisions he has to make makes it hard for someone to want to add a long distance relationship to the mix. It also made me realize that I know NOTHING about this man really. Our world was not anything real. It was made up for two people who had instant and insane chemistry. Who clicked and bypassed all the "rituals" of getting to know someone. We got into something neither one of us really planned on and I think that in my last few hours in Austin with him - this insane thing that we both somehow spiraled into exploded in both of our faces with emotions that left us both kind of wondering "what IS this"?? Well, I can't really speak for him, but I left feeling that way.
What happened that this man had my head spinning and my heart fluttering and thinking about leaving a state that I have grown to love and friends that I have grown to love as my family? What did he do to me to make me want to get on a plane back to him as fast as I could and never leave his side?
Who am I kidding - I know EXACTLY what it was. It was months and if I really think about it years that I've wanted that kind of affection. I've begged for it. Cried for it. Wanted it so badly that the minute I found just a taste of it, I would have willingly given up everything for it.
He never made promises. He got over it faster than I did. And its because he has so much going on in his life that he has other things that are a priority over some fantasy relationship that never really existed beyond a few days.
I have known deep deep down that things would end. I hoped that they didn't. Quite truthfully, being that besotted, that engrossed with a fantasy is almost like being the women that movies like Single White Female and Fatal Attraction are written for. Although I give myself a little more credit than being crazy like that. Were I that crazy I would have bought a plane ticket and showed up on his doorstep asking him to marry me.
I never thought that I would get that swept up. That swept away. Its easy to do with a fun, charming, self confident man like that. That man that knows what he is capable of and has a zest for life.
Maybe right now isn't our time. I know it hasn't been very long since GC and I split. I still need to work on ME. I need to be single. Get confident in myself and give myself room to breathe and grow.
I will find that person that I am supposed to be with. But I need to stop making that my main focus in life. I am not Charlotte York. I'm not going to make Husband Hunting my main priority.
I wish it would snow already so I could take a nice drive up to the mountains and take my snowboard out for a while. I may not be any good at it at all, but I do love being up in the mountains and riding down on the snow, listening to that sound as my snowboard sails down the slopes taking me with it...
I feel like I've lost something today. Even though I haven't. I know that CB is a phone call away. He probably always will be now. I just wish that I could have a little more of that feeling that he gave me. I wish the world would melt away. I want my world where only he and I exist and there is only fun to be had.
My apartment feels empty without him in it. Almost the way it felt empty after GC walked out for the last time.
I think it might just be me that feels empty.
Our goodbye this morning was hard. It was sad. It was more than a little painful and more than just a little expected and definitely due. I buried my face in his neck for what may have been the last time. Put my head on his shoulders and kissed him goodbye. I know its time for me to get back to reality. To stop constantly thinking about him. Let it be what it was and will be or not be. It was an experience that I am happy for. He gave me back my smile and my hope.
When he is around its like I'm lifted into an alter reality where everything is wonderful. Everything is bright. The sun shines just for us and I am transported into this elated person that shines from the inside. He brings out everything that is good in me. He makes me want to throw my head back and laugh, to spread my arms open wide and spin in circles. His presence takes me to "that place" in life that I crave. I long for. That I want so badly. His smiles are just for me - he smiles AT me. He is the fairy tale come to life that I have always imagined. It is like being with someone I have known forever. Even though I haven't. Its very corny but its like I have known "him". Like somehow we may have been together in some other lifetime.
Until its about time for him to leave.
Then the world gets dark, the tears start to flow. I get bitter and angry. I get angry at myself for being sad and frustrated when I knew very very well what I was getting into.
Even though I never expected THIS.
He's like heroine.
I asked him this morning before the sun came up and the alarm went off, and I was being held tight, if I should even try to keep seeing him, or if he even wanted to. And he was silent. I laid there for a while and felt the all too familiar feeling of things coming to an official end. That familiar feeling of being an "option" and not a "priority". That knowing without words being said that what you both felt in the beginning is only a one sided thing now.
I understand all of the things he's got going on that he's told me about, the traveling he's doing, the options he has and the decisions he has to make makes it hard for someone to want to add a long distance relationship to the mix. It also made me realize that I know NOTHING about this man really. Our world was not anything real. It was made up for two people who had instant and insane chemistry. Who clicked and bypassed all the "rituals" of getting to know someone. We got into something neither one of us really planned on and I think that in my last few hours in Austin with him - this insane thing that we both somehow spiraled into exploded in both of our faces with emotions that left us both kind of wondering "what IS this"?? Well, I can't really speak for him, but I left feeling that way.
What happened that this man had my head spinning and my heart fluttering and thinking about leaving a state that I have grown to love and friends that I have grown to love as my family? What did he do to me to make me want to get on a plane back to him as fast as I could and never leave his side?
Who am I kidding - I know EXACTLY what it was. It was months and if I really think about it years that I've wanted that kind of affection. I've begged for it. Cried for it. Wanted it so badly that the minute I found just a taste of it, I would have willingly given up everything for it.
He never made promises. He got over it faster than I did. And its because he has so much going on in his life that he has other things that are a priority over some fantasy relationship that never really existed beyond a few days.
I have known deep deep down that things would end. I hoped that they didn't. Quite truthfully, being that besotted, that engrossed with a fantasy is almost like being the women that movies like Single White Female and Fatal Attraction are written for. Although I give myself a little more credit than being crazy like that. Were I that crazy I would have bought a plane ticket and showed up on his doorstep asking him to marry me.
I never thought that I would get that swept up. That swept away. Its easy to do with a fun, charming, self confident man like that. That man that knows what he is capable of and has a zest for life.
Maybe right now isn't our time. I know it hasn't been very long since GC and I split. I still need to work on ME. I need to be single. Get confident in myself and give myself room to breathe and grow.
I will find that person that I am supposed to be with. But I need to stop making that my main focus in life. I am not Charlotte York. I'm not going to make Husband Hunting my main priority.
I wish it would snow already so I could take a nice drive up to the mountains and take my snowboard out for a while. I may not be any good at it at all, but I do love being up in the mountains and riding down on the snow, listening to that sound as my snowboard sails down the slopes taking me with it...
I feel like I've lost something today. Even though I haven't. I know that CB is a phone call away. He probably always will be now. I just wish that I could have a little more of that feeling that he gave me. I wish the world would melt away. I want my world where only he and I exist and there is only fun to be had.
My apartment feels empty without him in it. Almost the way it felt empty after GC walked out for the last time.
I think it might just be me that feels empty.
Our goodbye this morning was hard. It was sad. It was more than a little painful and more than just a little expected and definitely due. I buried my face in his neck for what may have been the last time. Put my head on his shoulders and kissed him goodbye. I know its time for me to get back to reality. To stop constantly thinking about him. Let it be what it was and will be or not be. It was an experience that I am happy for. He gave me back my smile and my hope.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Coming down from cloud nine, Engagement rings and weddings...and am I a Cougar now?
This weekend started out with...fun?? I headed to Broomfield to see a band that a friend of my friend Angie is the lead singer of. Nothing fancy. But I'm not sure Broomfield knew what hit it. At least not the older suburban folks. I forget sometimes that people exist outside of my world.
Older men dressed in cowboy attire, older women just sitting at tables looking at us like we're weird. Girls younger than me dressed in outfits that look like they're trying to get into Suite 200 (a club in Denver that tries to be Vegas exclusive).
We walked into Bakers Street (the bar in Broomfield), up to the bar and walked into shots of tequila. Yes, it was going to be that kind of night. Yes, after my night of mainlining martinis.
The bartender poured me double shorts of blueberry vodka and sodas. After a few of those, getting swung around what they would call a dance floor by some dude that was trying to teach me to swing dance, jumping up with the band, sitting with the drummer on his drums and random photos with random people, I got the great idea - SHOTS. And lets REALLY do this folks - Bartender - here is the recipe for those shots that make me run home and throw up. Southern Comfort, Amaretto, splash of pineapple, splash of cranberry...I even got one for the cute fat girl that was standing next to me at the bar with toilet paper stuck on her shoes. Lord knows how long that was going on...I figured she needed one. After all, she had been standing at the bar with her friends trying to get drinks from the bartender and I walked up and got immediate attention from him.
I turned around and was asked a question from some guy, who tapped his buddy on his shoulder. HELLO THERE...
Now let me back up just a little bit. My phone calls and texts from CB have already dwindled. He texted me back once saying "howdy partner". My phone which used to blow up on a daily basis from him is now quiet and silent. This with seeing GC and his new girlfriend...well, lets just say Drunk Me needed some attention.
So, back to cute boy at Bakers Street.
Cute smile, broad shoulders...he plays hockey - I don't know for who. I actually don't really care to remember - I know he told me. I tend to forget little details because when you have to forget about the guy, the less you have to forget, I think is better. **okay - I think I am officially jaded.
Anyway - Hockey boy asks me what my name is - I tell him. He looks at me and says - "You live in the DU area."
Right now as I'm writing this I'm feeling like I should make myself a bloody mary...my drinking is getting a little out of control again...
OKAY - so this random guy who I'm talking to is telling me where I live. So I respond with a very wary "um, yes. How do you know this?"
Turns out his friends were the guys that delivered and put together my new bedroom furniture and they left their drill at my place. Hockey boy was the guy who came to pick up the drill from me at my house.
Denver is turning out to be as small as Oahu. I wondered at that moment what State to move to next.
I met hockey boys dad and the rest of his hockey buddies. We swapped numbers. Turns out he is 24. TWENTY FOUR. That means next month I will be officially TEN years older than him.
HOLY DEAR GOD. Does this mean I'm a Cougar now?
The next day included a few hours at the gym - of course it was Saturday, so to avoid the possibility of running into TWO ex's that go to the closest 24 Hour Fitness, I drove 20 minutes out of the way as to not have to take the chance of running into GC or DN.
I got a call from a friend on my way home a few hours later saying to come meet them for some pizza and drinks at Uptown Tavern. UGH - GC's neighborhood. However, the Georgia game was over (my anger at Georgia winning was taken out on the elliptical at the gym) and it was late in the afternoon. He's probably hanging out with Granola anyway.
I drank beer (for some reason I have a craving for it now), had sliders, met some fun new people and mini bowled in my gray and black leopard Guess heels and my big shiny heart ring and talking on my phone.
It was then time to get together with my friend who had recently gotten engaged in Rome. She met me with our other friend who is moving to London in 2 weeks with her boyfriend that she's known for 6 months and Lyndee.
As happy as I am for them, it was pretty hard sitting in the middle of them. All three of them with their happy smiles. Showing off their rings, talking about moving to London...
I'm coming down from my cloud nine with CB. I think I'm just sad and lonely right now...I have no idea whats going on with me...All I know is that I really want pancakes and mimosas. Let the drinking commence.
Older men dressed in cowboy attire, older women just sitting at tables looking at us like we're weird. Girls younger than me dressed in outfits that look like they're trying to get into Suite 200 (a club in Denver that tries to be Vegas exclusive).
We walked into Bakers Street (the bar in Broomfield), up to the bar and walked into shots of tequila. Yes, it was going to be that kind of night. Yes, after my night of mainlining martinis.
The bartender poured me double shorts of blueberry vodka and sodas. After a few of those, getting swung around what they would call a dance floor by some dude that was trying to teach me to swing dance, jumping up with the band, sitting with the drummer on his drums and random photos with random people, I got the great idea - SHOTS. And lets REALLY do this folks - Bartender - here is the recipe for those shots that make me run home and throw up. Southern Comfort, Amaretto, splash of pineapple, splash of cranberry...I even got one for the cute fat girl that was standing next to me at the bar with toilet paper stuck on her shoes. Lord knows how long that was going on...I figured she needed one. After all, she had been standing at the bar with her friends trying to get drinks from the bartender and I walked up and got immediate attention from him.
I turned around and was asked a question from some guy, who tapped his buddy on his shoulder. HELLO THERE...
Now let me back up just a little bit. My phone calls and texts from CB have already dwindled. He texted me back once saying "howdy partner". My phone which used to blow up on a daily basis from him is now quiet and silent. This with seeing GC and his new girlfriend...well, lets just say Drunk Me needed some attention.
So, back to cute boy at Bakers Street.
Cute smile, broad shoulders...he plays hockey - I don't know for who. I actually don't really care to remember - I know he told me. I tend to forget little details because when you have to forget about the guy, the less you have to forget, I think is better. **okay - I think I am officially jaded.
Anyway - Hockey boy asks me what my name is - I tell him. He looks at me and says - "You live in the DU area."
Right now as I'm writing this I'm feeling like I should make myself a bloody mary...my drinking is getting a little out of control again...
OKAY - so this random guy who I'm talking to is telling me where I live. So I respond with a very wary "um, yes. How do you know this?"
Turns out his friends were the guys that delivered and put together my new bedroom furniture and they left their drill at my place. Hockey boy was the guy who came to pick up the drill from me at my house.
Denver is turning out to be as small as Oahu. I wondered at that moment what State to move to next.
I met hockey boys dad and the rest of his hockey buddies. We swapped numbers. Turns out he is 24. TWENTY FOUR. That means next month I will be officially TEN years older than him.
HOLY DEAR GOD. Does this mean I'm a Cougar now?
The next day included a few hours at the gym - of course it was Saturday, so to avoid the possibility of running into TWO ex's that go to the closest 24 Hour Fitness, I drove 20 minutes out of the way as to not have to take the chance of running into GC or DN.
I got a call from a friend on my way home a few hours later saying to come meet them for some pizza and drinks at Uptown Tavern. UGH - GC's neighborhood. However, the Georgia game was over (my anger at Georgia winning was taken out on the elliptical at the gym) and it was late in the afternoon. He's probably hanging out with Granola anyway.
I drank beer (for some reason I have a craving for it now), had sliders, met some fun new people and mini bowled in my gray and black leopard Guess heels and my big shiny heart ring and talking on my phone.
It was then time to get together with my friend who had recently gotten engaged in Rome. She met me with our other friend who is moving to London in 2 weeks with her boyfriend that she's known for 6 months and Lyndee.
As happy as I am for them, it was pretty hard sitting in the middle of them. All three of them with their happy smiles. Showing off their rings, talking about moving to London...
I'm coming down from my cloud nine with CB. I think I'm just sad and lonely right now...I have no idea whats going on with me...All I know is that I really want pancakes and mimosas. Let the drinking commence.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Sometimes there are just moments in life when main-lining martinis is necessary...
Especially the first time you see pictures of the ex who shattered your heart and the new what-ever-she-is.
Especially when they're smiling and there are pictures of them canoe-ing and of course your dear friends are saying all the right things to try to make you feel better. Nothing prepares you for that initial second when you feel as though your heart was just pulled out of your chest by the Jaws of Life and it feels like someone took an axe and drove it right into your head and someone else took a hot metal poker and drove it through your stomach, and all you want to do is kill him.At that moment you couldn't mainline enough morphine into your system to keep the tears from coming.
At that moment it didn't matter that I have been happier in the last two weeks than I had ever been with GC. Nothing I had done in the last few weeks could out this feeling.
That is when you tell the waitress - KEEP THEM COMING AND DO NOT STOP.
You want to look away from those photos and you just can't. You keep looking and you keep scrolling and you wonder - why didn't I get taken to Estes Park? Why didn't he ever make an effort to go canoe-ing with me. WHY THE FUCK DOES HE LOOK HAPPY??? He's wearing the sunglasses I bought him, and what looks like that watch I bought him too...to hang out with that fucking GRANOLA chick. (Who, by the way, actually looks pretty cool and someone you'd probably like).
And then the hate that you had been trying so hard to keep away settles in...and you don't stop fighting it anymore. You let that hate seep in around your heart and your head while the martini's are going down, easier and faster than the last one until you cannot look at those photos anymore.Nat came up with the perfect movie quote at that moment - When Elle is asked if the other girl was as pretty as she was...and it fits Granola to a T.
"She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking."
She is bigger than me, dark hair, almost manly features...very "granola" which is why this will be her name. She's cute. I guess. If you like that kind of look. Nat said her husband said she looks like she's very low maintenance. I didn't think I was high maintenance, but maybe I'm that girl...like the one that Billy Crystal describes Meg Ryan as when he says; "You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance".
So dinner turned into starting out blissfully unaware of anything other than what was going on in my life to nose dive. I cried on the way home - flat out BAWLED and SOBBED on the way home, took a detour, went to tan at 10:30 at night, got a pep talk from my friend in Hawaii, drank more vodka and passed out sometime after midnight. The nightmares started again even though I don't remember exactly what they were.
I woke up this morning feeling like I was hit by a two-ton semi. I know there is no reason for it. I guess life always throws you a curve ball.
So now I deal with puffy eyes and I have no appetite this morning. I'm trying my best to pick myself up, dust myself off after this little fall and get back up to where I was 24 hours ago.
I'm better than this wallowing, but its going to take a day or so to get back to normal. No matter how much you've mentally prepared yourself, you're never really prepared to see it, be it in pictures or in real life...its at those points that you can tell yourself that you've got people around you that will help you pick yourself back up, let you drink yourself into a stupor and let you be irrational just for a few moments while you just let those martinis sink in and you fantasize about him getting into a horrible accident and while he's in the hospital, you go and visit and whisper in his ear while he's in a coma - "YOU DESERVE THIS". They let the venomous words come out of your mouth and they all join in on bashing the both of them and telling you that you're so much prettier than she is, and they let you feel the hatred and ugliness of the situation...and then start planning winter trips to Crested Butte and make you forget about it all for the moment so you can pull yourself together until you can go home, grab your teddy bear and lose yourself in tears.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Its time to rant...
I have a lot on my mind today.
#1 - CB is coming into town next Thursday.
#2 - GC has made me want to pull off the nice gloves.
On thought #1, the last few weeks and the weekends spent have been great and wonderful and blissful and everything the beginning of something or nothing should be. I am allowed to have butterflies and have my heart flutter and have thoughts spin out of control...as they are staring to be reigned in...
That last day with CB was great - the last few hours not so much. Where did my crying fit come from? WHY did a crying fit start? I knew for a fact that I was leaving. I know that he lives there and I live here and its geographically challenging and that things would not be as they are with different circumstances. Like us living in the same area.
I am infatuated with the attention, I am giddy over being able to be giddy over someone. I love the little things that he does; plug my cell phone in for me, opens my doors, holds me the whole night through. Tells me he just wants to show me off to everyone.
I will allow myself to feel giddy and be able to let myself believe that there is HOPE for a future. Maybe not with him - but with SOMEONE. He is incredible. Right now. He is proud to be seen with me - to introduce me to his friends, assure me that his friends LIKE me, he hugs me close and makes sure that I want for nothing while I am with him.
So far across the field of what I let myself settle for with GC. So far the other way of what I was in "love" with. So far from someone who put such a wall around himself...I relish the openness of CB. The way he takes my hand all the time. Just the way I catch him look at me. My heart, my ego, my soul needs this. I thrive from it. At times I am so happy that I feel like I am going to burst. I have forgotten that THIS is what being with someone is supposed to be like - even if it is a fairy tale right now.
Which brought me to ask myself this question - if this pans out, something happens and the choice came down to it - would I move? Very insane answer to ask when really we've only been on this level with each other for a few weeks, but what if this does not fizzle out? Being involved with someone who lives in another state boils down to one thing if things do work out - MOVING. I think its something that you should think about in the beginning - even if they don't get to a serious point.
I love my life here. It is MY life, one that I created, worked for and work hard to maintain. I love my friends here. Some of the most incredible people I have ever met in my life. They are the loves of my life right now. I am in love with this State, the mountains, the snow, the Summers, the Fall, the Spring. I wanted to learn to snowboard, I have (okay well somewhat), I learned to like hiking. I have done more things that I would never have done in my life here with the people that I have surrounded myself with. I think of where I think of as home and I have this comforting feeling looking at the mountains. I feel at peace here. There is no other place I would ever want to be. I need those mountains like I need air. I can get lost in them just looking at them. I feel as though I finally have roots. I have become the person that I have become because of this place and the people that surround me. The thought of moving sends me into a panic attack. Can we just clone CB, leave that one in Austin and see where things go so I can know what life is really like and what he's really like?
My second rant - a dumb one but one that has got my blood boiling. GC. I've wondered about him everyday. I won't lie. I've thought about him probably everyday. There have been moments that I missed him so much it hurt. The tears have stopped and every day that passes I am more sure that being without him is so good for me. I tried very very hard not to let hate build in my heart for him. Tried very hard to keep the possibility open to a friendship down the road. He blocked all of my girlfriends that he kept as friends on Facebook from reading anything on his wall. WTF?? not like any of us cared about what he was doing, but what is on there that needs to be kept hidden from my girls? Am I having them SPY on him for me? Does he think that I am so obsessively in love with him still that I'm having them tell me everything he's doing?? Is he dating someone and they've got stuff posted all over the place? GC actually told a guy friend of mine that saw him at a bar not to tell me that they talked. I mean REALLY??
Sure, I deleted GC off of my Facebook wall, I blocked him. I deleted his friends. That is probably immature in many peoples eyes and there are a few people who told me as much. But a professional therapist would say THAT IS THE BEST THING TO DO!! There are no urges to Skype him, to troll Facebook walls to see what he's doing, dating, whatever. It helps the heart heal and forget. It helps to MOVE ON. Sure, I want to send him an email and attach that amazing picture of CB and I where all you can see are our faces and me with that smile on my face and my eyes closed - in probably one of the most happiest, intimate, cloud floating moments ever captured in my life and have the email say - I NEVER felt this way with you. THANK YOU!!!!
But what I have now with CB - real or not, is not something that is being done out of revenge. It has nothing to do with GC other than I would not have known the feelings that I have with CB.
anyway - back to my rant. He not only blocked my friends - which I asked him to delete when we first broke up and he didn't do - but he walked into a restaurant that two of my friends were at and took one look at them and left.
um - RUDE.
My friends and I were nothing but nice to him. Accepting, they welcomed him with open arms.
I've never snubbed any of his friends out in public - and if they take offence to me deleting them off of Facebook, well, then that's just their problem.
I made this break up EASY for GC - no hate, no animosity. No reason to ever want to bash the headlights on each others cars in.
Yes, I think GC is lazy. I think he has no drive. I think he's a person that floats through life.
CB is completely opposite - we're constantly doing something, he makes me want to get out and exercise. We go for walks, for hikes. CB makes an effort to be with me. He wants me around for "boys weekend". GC fit me in when it was convenient for him. I'd like to be able to punch GC in square in the nose with an anvil fist like in the cartoons.
He may have started seeing someone that is here and available all the time, while I'm sorting through things with someone that lives hundreds of miles away. But I'm pretty sure that I've got the one up. She may be smitten right now and she may already be hanging out with all of his friends, but she'll find out, and I hope that she's crazy when things come to an end for them. I hope she bashes his car windows out, slashes his tires and gives him herpes.
(so i'm not TOTALLY mature...)
#1 - CB is coming into town next Thursday.
#2 - GC has made me want to pull off the nice gloves.
On thought #1, the last few weeks and the weekends spent have been great and wonderful and blissful and everything the beginning of something or nothing should be. I am allowed to have butterflies and have my heart flutter and have thoughts spin out of control...as they are staring to be reigned in...
That last day with CB was great - the last few hours not so much. Where did my crying fit come from? WHY did a crying fit start? I knew for a fact that I was leaving. I know that he lives there and I live here and its geographically challenging and that things would not be as they are with different circumstances. Like us living in the same area.
I am infatuated with the attention, I am giddy over being able to be giddy over someone. I love the little things that he does; plug my cell phone in for me, opens my doors, holds me the whole night through. Tells me he just wants to show me off to everyone.
I will allow myself to feel giddy and be able to let myself believe that there is HOPE for a future. Maybe not with him - but with SOMEONE. He is incredible. Right now. He is proud to be seen with me - to introduce me to his friends, assure me that his friends LIKE me, he hugs me close and makes sure that I want for nothing while I am with him.
So far across the field of what I let myself settle for with GC. So far the other way of what I was in "love" with. So far from someone who put such a wall around himself...I relish the openness of CB. The way he takes my hand all the time. Just the way I catch him look at me. My heart, my ego, my soul needs this. I thrive from it. At times I am so happy that I feel like I am going to burst. I have forgotten that THIS is what being with someone is supposed to be like - even if it is a fairy tale right now.
Which brought me to ask myself this question - if this pans out, something happens and the choice came down to it - would I move? Very insane answer to ask when really we've only been on this level with each other for a few weeks, but what if this does not fizzle out? Being involved with someone who lives in another state boils down to one thing if things do work out - MOVING. I think its something that you should think about in the beginning - even if they don't get to a serious point.
I love my life here. It is MY life, one that I created, worked for and work hard to maintain. I love my friends here. Some of the most incredible people I have ever met in my life. They are the loves of my life right now. I am in love with this State, the mountains, the snow, the Summers, the Fall, the Spring. I wanted to learn to snowboard, I have (okay well somewhat), I learned to like hiking. I have done more things that I would never have done in my life here with the people that I have surrounded myself with. I think of where I think of as home and I have this comforting feeling looking at the mountains. I feel at peace here. There is no other place I would ever want to be. I need those mountains like I need air. I can get lost in them just looking at them. I feel as though I finally have roots. I have become the person that I have become because of this place and the people that surround me. The thought of moving sends me into a panic attack. Can we just clone CB, leave that one in Austin and see where things go so I can know what life is really like and what he's really like?
My second rant - a dumb one but one that has got my blood boiling. GC. I've wondered about him everyday. I won't lie. I've thought about him probably everyday. There have been moments that I missed him so much it hurt. The tears have stopped and every day that passes I am more sure that being without him is so good for me. I tried very very hard not to let hate build in my heart for him. Tried very hard to keep the possibility open to a friendship down the road. He blocked all of my girlfriends that he kept as friends on Facebook from reading anything on his wall. WTF?? not like any of us cared about what he was doing, but what is on there that needs to be kept hidden from my girls? Am I having them SPY on him for me? Does he think that I am so obsessively in love with him still that I'm having them tell me everything he's doing?? Is he dating someone and they've got stuff posted all over the place? GC actually told a guy friend of mine that saw him at a bar not to tell me that they talked. I mean REALLY??
Sure, I deleted GC off of my Facebook wall, I blocked him. I deleted his friends. That is probably immature in many peoples eyes and there are a few people who told me as much. But a professional therapist would say THAT IS THE BEST THING TO DO!! There are no urges to Skype him, to troll Facebook walls to see what he's doing, dating, whatever. It helps the heart heal and forget. It helps to MOVE ON. Sure, I want to send him an email and attach that amazing picture of CB and I where all you can see are our faces and me with that smile on my face and my eyes closed - in probably one of the most happiest, intimate, cloud floating moments ever captured in my life and have the email say - I NEVER felt this way with you. THANK YOU!!!!
But what I have now with CB - real or not, is not something that is being done out of revenge. It has nothing to do with GC other than I would not have known the feelings that I have with CB.
anyway - back to my rant. He not only blocked my friends - which I asked him to delete when we first broke up and he didn't do - but he walked into a restaurant that two of my friends were at and took one look at them and left.
um - RUDE.
My friends and I were nothing but nice to him. Accepting, they welcomed him with open arms.
I've never snubbed any of his friends out in public - and if they take offence to me deleting them off of Facebook, well, then that's just their problem.
I made this break up EASY for GC - no hate, no animosity. No reason to ever want to bash the headlights on each others cars in.
Yes, I think GC is lazy. I think he has no drive. I think he's a person that floats through life.
CB is completely opposite - we're constantly doing something, he makes me want to get out and exercise. We go for walks, for hikes. CB makes an effort to be with me. He wants me around for "boys weekend". GC fit me in when it was convenient for him. I'd like to be able to punch GC in square in the nose with an anvil fist like in the cartoons.
He may have started seeing someone that is here and available all the time, while I'm sorting through things with someone that lives hundreds of miles away. But I'm pretty sure that I've got the one up. She may be smitten right now and she may already be hanging out with all of his friends, but she'll find out, and I hope that she's crazy when things come to an end for them. I hope she bashes his car windows out, slashes his tires and gives him herpes.
(so i'm not TOTALLY mature...)
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