Try as I might have to keep as much of a smile on my face and present a positive attitude, the feelings above made me feel like I was gasping and gulping for air. Every day was counting minutes that I was climbing walls. All I wanted was just to escape life and get back home as fast as I could.
Going home was like being given an oxygen tank. It was like I could breathe and I knew things would start to get better.
The moment I was home among family was like throwing my entire life out in front of me. Situations and feelings all scattered before me like they knew it was time to figure out what I needed to do with them. Each day they followed me, each of them needing to be dealt with and finally I got that time to do so. That day came 4 days after I got home.
My mind had finally been quiet for a few days, there were no every day distractions like I had at home to prevent me from dealing with what I needed to.
It was a cloudy day. The sun and rain alternating. It was like this day knew it was going to be a profound day for me.
I stood on the beach, not swimming, no surfboards, no paddle boards, my family with me and at the edge of the ocean, I let the water run up over my feet, up my shins, swirl around me and issue after issue presented itself. I have no idea how long I was in that spot, but I felt a rush of peace. Peace that I have been wanting and needing for over two years now. I took my anger, hurt, and months of pain and loss that needed to be dealt with that I had been holding onto and for some reason it was gone. It was like the ocean swirling around my feet was taking the past hurts and resentments away from me. I let it go and let the ocean take it, I let it go to the sky. I spent a lot of time in my head that day and I made a choice. I had to let things go and make a choice to be happy. Let go of everything I cannot change.
I cannot help the way I feel when I love someone and yes, it hurts when they reject it. I held onto wanting to love them, thinking that if I kept loving them it would somehow make things better. Sometimes it doesn't. Be it a boyfriend, lover, friend, when they hurt you to a point of sadness and tears, sometimes it is accidental, and although sometimes accidental, it is a wound so deep that at that point you know. That inner voice shushes out the everyday noise and it becomes crystal clear "Walk away".
Come to terms with the pain and sadness and forgive that person for what they did to you, hold no malice or anger toward them, just let go and walk away.
Sometimes there is just nothing else you can do for yourself. Sometimes you just have to deal with the fact that you cannot make everyone happy by taking all of their anger, hurt, frustration and sadness into yourself. There is just a point that your soul cannot take anymore.
That day it was like a part of me shut off. It let go. I don't know how it happened, it just left and I walked away from the ocean and up the beach with a weird feeling. I looked and searched myself for that anxiety, that pain, the depression. It just wasn't there.
I also got some very nice time with my father. I'm pretty sure that that had a lot to do with a lot of what I have been searching for.
I felt loved, I felt an appreciation for my family that surrounded me. The smiles and hugs from my niece and nephew. The time with my dad. Actually HEARING this time and believing that I was missed and that I was very very loved. For the first time in a very long time I felt like my feet were firmly beneath me, that nothing was out of control.
I know now that my love may not be returned, that some people are just supposed to be friends, that some people must fade from life in order to make room for my sanity and well being. I cannot make anyone else happy but myself.
I just need to forgive what hurts and pain were done to me, and that I must make peace with it being OKAY to let those people go. Just let go.
Like the words from the Zac Brown Band that my friend Meghan reminded me of:
You keep your heart above your head and you eyes wide open
So this world can't find a way to leave you cold
And know you're not the only ship out on the ocean
Save your strength for things that you can change
Forgive the ones you can't
You gotta let 'em go
There were no tears, there is no self pity. There is just a peace, if you can call it that, of shutting emotions off and walking away from what I have no control of.
I came back to Denver with an open heart, open mind and a sense of control and peace.
I will never find my happiness by trying to make other people make me happy. I can only love those who love me back as much and I need to open myself up to being okay with acknowledging that.
I needed to accept myself, I cannot be someone else, I cannot love anyone enough for two people.
I'm back with a freer heart and a deeper respect for those in my life who genuinely care. My new years resolution is to surround myself with friends that have a healthy respect for people around them, face life with a smile and an open heart, be kind to everyone and give out exactly what I want back from life and the people that surround me.
I go into January a better person than I left December. I feel loved as I have only craved to be. I did not find it in some guy. I found it by realizing that it had been around me the whole time, I was just looking in all the wrong places.
I am so grateful for the time back home, the actual opening of my eyes to my surroundings and for the ability to finally realize that I do matter to people. My feelings, my well being were worried about. People that I didn't think I mattered much to showed me differently, showed me that I mattered in their lives and that they were happy that I was apart of theirs.
My father gave me the greatest gift. Even though it was in the form of a Christmas card, he told me that I needed to read that card, don't look at the money that was in it. Read that card. My dad may not be the best at expressing feelings, but it meant so much that he was the one who told me that I needed to read those words.
I don't know how long this will last, but I do know that should I start to feel like I am drowning again, I just need to go home. I need to go back to my roots, to the ocean, to my family. I cannot stand on my own without these things. I don't know that I could move back there, but I do know that home is always waiting for me with open arms to help me.
xoxo,
Me.
I am so glad that I had the chance to be part of your trip home. You are a truly special person and I am happy to know you!
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