Goodbye is always a sad thing...

I said goodbye to CB today.  I asked him to leave me alone.  Not for good, not forever, but definitely for now.  He came in a day early for his business trip to see me.  He made that effort, and I am SO glad that he did!!!  I just smiled when I saw him at my door and didn't really let go of him unless he was in the bathroom. 
When he is around its like I'm lifted into an alter reality where everything is wonderful.  Everything is bright.  The sun shines just for us and I am transported into this elated person that shines from the inside.  He brings out everything that is good in me.  He makes me want to throw my head back and laugh, to spread my arms open wide and spin in circles.  His presence takes me to "that place" in life that I crave.  I long for.  That I want so badly.  His smiles are just for me - he smiles AT me.  He is the fairy tale come to life that I have always imagined.  It is like being with someone I have known forever.  Even though I haven't.  Its very corny but its like I have known "him".  Like somehow we may have been together in some other lifetime. 
Until its about time for him to leave.
Then the world gets dark, the tears start to flow.  I get bitter and angry.  I get angry at myself for being sad and frustrated when I knew very very well what I was getting into.
Even though I never expected THIS.
He's like heroine. 
I asked him this morning before the sun came up and the alarm went off, and I was being held tight, if I should even try to keep seeing him, or if he even wanted to.  And he was silent.  I laid there for a while and felt the all too familiar feeling of things coming to an official end.  That familiar feeling of being an "option" and not a "priority".  That knowing without words being said that what you both felt in the beginning is only a one sided thing now. 
I understand all of the things he's got going on that he's told me about, the traveling he's doing, the options he has and the decisions he has to make makes it hard for someone to want to add a long distance relationship to the mix.  It also made me realize that I know NOTHING about this man really.  Our world was not anything real.  It was made up for two people who had instant and insane chemistry.  Who clicked and bypassed all the "rituals" of getting to know someone.  We got into something neither one of us really planned on and I think that in my last few hours in Austin with him - this insane thing that we both somehow spiraled into exploded in both of our faces with emotions that left us both kind of wondering "what IS this"??  Well, I can't really speak for him, but I left feeling that way. 
What happened that this man had my head spinning and my heart fluttering and thinking about leaving a state that I have grown to love and friends that I have grown to love as my family?  What did he do to me to make me want to get on a plane back to him as fast as I could and never leave his side? 
Who am I kidding - I know EXACTLY what it was.  It was months and if I really think about it years that I've wanted that kind of affection.  I've begged for it.  Cried for it.  Wanted it so badly that the minute I found just a taste of it, I would have willingly given up everything for it. 
He never made promises.  He got over it faster than I did.  And its because he has so much going on in his life that he has other things that are a priority over some fantasy relationship that never really existed beyond a few days.
I have known deep deep down that things would end.  I hoped that they didn't.  Quite truthfully, being that besotted, that engrossed with a fantasy is almost like being the women that movies like Single White Female and Fatal Attraction are written for.  Although I give myself a little more credit than being crazy like that.  Were I that crazy I would have bought a plane ticket and showed up on his doorstep asking him to marry me.
I never thought that I would get that swept up.  That swept away.  Its easy to do with a fun, charming, self confident man like that.  That man that knows what he is capable of and has a zest for life. 
Maybe right now isn't our time.  I know it hasn't been very long since GC and I split.  I still need to work on ME.  I need to be single.  Get confident in myself and give myself room to breathe and grow.
I will find that person that I am supposed to be with.  But I need to stop making that my main focus in life.  I am not Charlotte York.  I'm not going to make Husband Hunting my main priority. 
I wish it would snow already so I could take a nice drive up to the mountains and take my snowboard out for a while.  I may not be any good at it at all, but I do love being up in the mountains and riding down on the snow, listening to that sound as my snowboard sails down the slopes taking me with it...
I feel like I've lost something today.  Even though I haven't.  I know that CB is a phone call away.  He probably always will be now.  I just wish that I could have a little more of that feeling that he gave me.  I wish the world would melt away.  I want my world where only he and I exist and there is only fun to be had. 
My apartment feels empty without him in it.  Almost the way it felt empty after GC walked out for the last time. 
I think it might just be me that feels empty. 
Our goodbye this morning was hard.  It was sad.  It was more than a little painful and more than just a little expected and definitely due.  I buried my face in his neck for what may have been the last time.  Put my head on his shoulders and kissed him goodbye.  I know its time for me to get back to reality.  To stop constantly thinking about him.  Let it be what it was and will be or not be.  It was an experience that I am happy for.  He gave me back my smile and my hope.

It wasn't revenge, but it sure was sweet

I figured out a few days ago that GC still had my Dexter DVDs and my other copy of the Hangover that I lend out (god forbid I have to be deprived of Bradley Cooper in that suit of his at ANY given moment).  He brought them by last night. 
I made sure I looked fantastic.  Hunter Green pencil skirt, super sexy yet business like black top, insane push up bra (come on now...I'm entitled).  Hair done, make up flawless...I answered the door with a smile.  I've got a darker tan (if that was even possible), my hair blonder and 12 pounds lighter than when I last saw him. 
He walked in and saw the new furniture, new comforter, the entire apartment re-arranged.  I showed him the new little SUV that I bought.  We had a beer and chilled out and sat next to the pool and talked for a bit.  I told him about my awesome review and the plans that my boss and I have laid out, how my company will help pay for school when I start after hurricane season.  He said he read Natty's blog about that 14ner I climbed and said he was really proud of me.  It was the greatest feeling in the world to have him walk into my life and see everything that I have changed, to have him see that I am not that crying, whining, clingy little girl that I had somehow become with him.  It was great to have him see me with quiet confidence in myself.  But when he asked how I was doing, it got painful for a moment.  I felt the tears sting the back of my eyes and I took a deep breath and looked at him, gave him a half smile and truthfully told him "I'm getting there". 
It wasn't a moment of revenge, it was a moment that I held close.  He was there next to me, still talking to me, not an ounce of hate or animosity between us.  Just two broken people who somehow found each other.  I am a better person for having had him in my life as he was, as our relationship had been.  I don't think it should have been any other way, but I am an even better person for him taking himself away from me.
It was almost a numbing feeling to see him there, so close, sitting next to me and talking to me like he has done so many times before when I felt so horrible about myself and felt like I wasn't good enough for him.  I could almost feel the iciness of the walls around my heart that have developed over the last few weeks and I wondered if this is how he felt all the time, and that thought made me a little sad.  I know the ice around my heart will melt someday and I will be open and giving as I was with him with someone else.  For now, the ice has gone up and is protecting me as I stumble through my life as it is now.  Picking my way across unfamiliar terrain like I did on Mt. Sherman, taking one step up, only to have it slide half way down.  Little victories followed by a few set backs like tears, loneliness, sadness.  I can't see where this path that I am on is taking me, all I know is that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and just know that I will get there, just like I got to the summit.
When he left, I hugged him a little too long.  It was nice to put my head on his chest just for a second or two and let out a huge sigh.  He paused as I let him go and stood at my doorway looking almost unsure of what to do next.  I gave him a little smile and said goodbye.  I didn't say I would see him soon or again for that fact.  I let him go without pain or struggle and let a few tears fall after I shut the door.

Then I picked up my purse and headed out to dinner with ML and AH.  As I sat down, I realized that I wasn't "heavy" anymore.  I am still out of sorts with myself and uncomfortable "single", but I smiled as I poured myself a beer and filled them in with what just happened. 
They smiled with me, told me how proud they were of me and reassured me that the one will come along.  I wondered when I would ever feel the want to let down the walls and possibly date again and let someone get close. 
And then a guy walked into my line of site.  Chiseled features, a smile that put GCs to shame, something about him just made me watch and when he turned a faced me I actually kinda gasped for air.  Wonderful to look at, fun to watch from afar. The girls urged me to go talk to him, to write my number on a napkin and give it to him.  I smiled and knew as easy as that would be, now was just not the right time for me.  I need to give myself time to get to know me, to heal, to grow and set secure with who I am.
I did however stop off at his table on our way out, tapped him on the shoulder and looked down at him and said " You are the most beautiful thing I have seen all day".  He looked at me and said "I would say the same thing about you".  I smiled at him, said thank you, lifted my head and my shoulders squared up and I walked away. 
It wasn't about revenge today, but my god, whatever it was, it was absolutely sweet.

Break Ups REALLY Suck...

How do you argue with someone when they say "I really like you, I care about you, I just don't love you, I can't give you the things you want?"  It feels like taking a GUT PUNCH followed by an upper cut to the nose would feel much better than hearing this.
How do you make your heart understand when you love him so much that it consumes you?
How do you let go when everywhere you turn everything reminds you of him, every song on the radio makes you cry? 
How do you deal when memories come up out of no where and the ring tone that used to be the one that rang on your phone when he called sounds around you on someone else's phone?
How do you deal when you crawl into bed and the silence envelopes you and the only person that you want is him.  SO BADLY in fact that your entire body aches and the tears feel like they will never stop.  The ache runs through your body and all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs.
You think about him and wonder what he's doing, if he even misses you, if he even thinks about you.  You know he's not.  He's continuing with his life without you.  If he wanted you as badly as you wanted him, he wouldn't have let you go. 
The comforting smell on his pillow fades and burying your face in this pillow doesn't bring one ounce of comfort so you can sleep.
You wake up in tears in the middle of the night because your dreams feel so real and you end up wondering why you couldn't just settle for what you had because at least he was STILL HERE. 
There wasn't anything wrong with our relationship except he didn't love me.  He cared about me...maybe all he needed was time.  Maybe I needed more patience.  What could I have done better?  What more could I have done?  WHY am I not good enough for him to LOVE ME?
Packing up his things was numbing.  Taking the photos down was defeating. 
When he came to pick up his things, it was like someone sucked the very air out of my lungs.  I tried to keep the tortured look from my face, I'm sure it showed.  I tried not to think of how I could change his mind.  To make him see that the pain I was feeling.  I just wanted to beg him to PLEASE change his mind.  To tell him that there are too many things I wanted to do with him, too many things left to do!  I don't want to let you go!! I will be fine if you don't go.  I won't demand anything of you anymore.  I will wait for you to love me.  Tell me there is a reason to fight and I'll stay!!!  I don't want to be without you!!!!! But I said none of those things...Instead just tried not to watch him in my apartment for the last time.
He looked at me before he left and his face was sad.  "I'm sorry."  and then;" Did you want to talk?"  and as much as I wanted to say yes, to keep him around just a little longer.  Just so I could prolong him walking out of my life and maybe it would make him see...I knew that all of that was for nothing and there really was NOTHING left to talk about.  Again.  How can you argue when someone says that he doesn't want to take those steps in a relationship - not with ANYONE.  He's closed off, he doesn't want to go there.  But he wants me to be happy and I deserve more than he can give me. 
As I write this I feel so pathetic.  Where did the girl go that would have given him a "fuck you" and leave his stuff on the door step?  That girl had never dated anyone like him.  Genuine gentleman, honest, truthful, caring, not an ounce of "player" in him.  Smart, funny, SO much in common, understanding and we had chemistry that wouldn't quit. 
I walk around an apartment that has no other memories but him in it.  I can't picture anyone else here with me.  Anyone else sleeping next to me in my bed. 
I know that this feeling will fade with time and I'll meet someone new.  Possibly someone that will actually LOVE me, not just LIKE me. 
I had a friend say that one of the best things about me was watching me walk into a room and light it up.  That I would give off a feeling of happiness and excitement.  I haven't felt like that in a long time.  Even though this break up is one week old to the minute it feels like I haven't lit up from the inside for a very long time.  It takes a toll on a person who's heart just wants to love everyone and the one person you want to love the most, you know you CAN'T.  Not because you don't want to or you don't feel that way, its because you KNOW that you shouldn't.  That he needed his space.  That he wasn't ready for everything that you are...however, you never stop hoping.  It destroyed parts of me everyday.  Made me feel unworthy, not good enough, angry, anxious.  SHOPPING didn't even make me feel better.
I know I'm on a road to something better.  I know that he was put into my life for very good reasons.  I still can't help but feeling so "heavy" that I can barely make myself get out of bed.  I'm quiet.  My thoughts race, I pace constantly.  I can't sleep and my nightmares are back.  I never had them when he slept next to me.
My heart and my soul need a break.  My heart and mind need to forget him.  I need to stop thinking of him as soon as I want to share something that happened in my day.  I need to stop thinking how I'll be replaced and there will be someone with him soon.  That his smile will be for someone else while I mourn the loss of something I felt was wonderful.  Mourn someone who was so very important to me.  Deal with and accept the fact that I did not mean as much to him as he meant to me. 
I've been through this enough to know that there is life around the corner waiting to embrace me again as soon as I am ready to get back to it.  I will laugh again, my smile won't be forced and the light that I used to feel will come back.  In time.  Time, time, time...and then I'll get back out there and do it all over again.  A little more scarred, a little more scared with guarded hope that someday I will hear the words "I love you" come from someone who loves me as much in return.
Until then, I know I have to just hold out my hand and say "Help" and I KNOW that I will have at least ten reaching back out to pull me through this.  They will be there unconditionally for me and tell me that I am WORTH loving, worth more than settling and they will help me push the sadness and loneliness away.  I have such wonderful friends.  I am eternally grateful for them and utterly humbled by their words of encouragement, their words of support, their understanding.