I feel like someone smacked my face with a baseball bat.
I think I look like one of those big puffy eyed gold fish.
One of the guys nicely told me this morning that I look tired.
The girls immediately asked what was wrong.
One of the women in my office came over and gave me a hug.
UGH.
WELL. As for me, I think I am officially addicted to throwing myself (figuratively speaking anyway) under emotional buses. Like things haven't been out of wack enough in my life, I thought it would be a good idea to take GC up on meeting up for Happy Hour last night...I mean, a good 7 months have passed. I should be able to handle this, right?
We spent 3 hours talking about everything and nothing. He told me he went to Maui for 9 days. He didn't say with who, but he didn't have to. He went with her and of course in my head I'm calculating how long they've been together and they're taking trips to Maui for over a week. I promptly finished my frozen margarita as fast as I possibly could without giving myself a brain freeze, although it didn't seem like such a bad idea to give myself one at the time so I could stop feeling like someone was driving a dagger through the back of my head.
OK, so really he never went into a lot of detail about his trip. I could tell he was picking his way around his words trying to be very careful of my feelings, which was very nice and saddening at the same time.
He gave me the updates on all of his friends that I knew. His sister had a baby. He was still looking for another job. He told me how it was a mutual split with the company he had started working for and the amicable split.
I told him that I was going to look at a condo, possibly to buy that I had heard about the day before on the radio, but it was almost too much of a serious commitment. He asked if it was going to be big enough for two and I had an honest to God panic attack right there. I asked him to stop talking about room for two because in my life there wasn't two. Just me. He said that I had to at least have a boy toy or two and that I just said no to...after all, while, yes, I might be seeing someone, its not serious or anything I needed to mention. I didn't want to open the gate to that kind of sharing and I most certainly didn't want to give him an opening to talk about his girlfriend.
I did drop a lot of comments that I knew about her. I told him that the ex-bestie had logged into her husbands facebook account and showed me the pictures that were posted of the two of them.
I told him about friends besides Natalie that I'd lost in the past few months, I smoked in front of him, which surprised me as much as him considering how hard I tried to hide my smoking habit from him while we were together.
I told him about my Thing 1 and Thing 2 dates and we had a pretty good laugh about them.
He hugged me good bye when we left and it felt so good just to be hugged again.
I cried the entire way home wondering why my best wasn't good enough for him. But then again, I realized that the way that I was with him wasn't very good either. I wasn't in a right frame of mind and I'm sure that I was a lot for him to deal with. The temper tantrums, the out bursts.
I cried my heart out last night. I cried for what was and what I'd wanted it to be...wanted it so badly that I still hurt from it. Granted, not like I did before. Its a different kind of hurt now. Its that kind of hurt that comes from knowing what it was like to sleep wrapped up in his arms and to have someone to share things with. It the kind of hurt that you have when you loved someone and you've had to let them go. Its the kind of hurt that you have when you know that they have moved on and you wish you had anything to compare it to. Its the kind of hurt that you have when you're lonely.
It was good to know that at least one person that I have had in my life doesn't hate me and it was so good for me to not harbor any hate toward him.
It was totally a double edge sword for me. It was great to see him. Wonderful to talk to him and know that I have a friend.
I miss the idea of what he was. I miss the companionship, the daily phone calls.
I curled up with my bear again last night and tried very hard not to think that I am not enough, or so much to deal with that he left my life.
So there you go. Its quite a thing for me. A pretty big mile stone to have spent time with someone that I loved very much and let him go without telling him that I missed him, or bringing some kind of sadness to our evening. I couldn't say that I was happy for him, but I did wish him luck on the job search.
OK, now onto how to figure out how to get my eyes all unpuffy and go out with the guy that I've been seeing for a little over a month now. After all, while writing this, just got a text from him simply saying "hey" with a smiley face.
I wonder how he knew I needed that....
sometime I'll actually write a blog about him and let you guys in on where I've been for a while.
xoxo,
Me.
I think I look like one of those big puffy eyed gold fish.
One of the guys nicely told me this morning that I look tired.
The girls immediately asked what was wrong.
One of the women in my office came over and gave me a hug.
UGH.
WELL. As for me, I think I am officially addicted to throwing myself (figuratively speaking anyway) under emotional buses. Like things haven't been out of wack enough in my life, I thought it would be a good idea to take GC up on meeting up for Happy Hour last night...I mean, a good 7 months have passed. I should be able to handle this, right?
We spent 3 hours talking about everything and nothing. He told me he went to Maui for 9 days. He didn't say with who, but he didn't have to. He went with her and of course in my head I'm calculating how long they've been together and they're taking trips to Maui for over a week. I promptly finished my frozen margarita as fast as I possibly could without giving myself a brain freeze, although it didn't seem like such a bad idea to give myself one at the time so I could stop feeling like someone was driving a dagger through the back of my head.
OK, so really he never went into a lot of detail about his trip. I could tell he was picking his way around his words trying to be very careful of my feelings, which was very nice and saddening at the same time.
He gave me the updates on all of his friends that I knew. His sister had a baby. He was still looking for another job. He told me how it was a mutual split with the company he had started working for and the amicable split.
I told him that I was going to look at a condo, possibly to buy that I had heard about the day before on the radio, but it was almost too much of a serious commitment. He asked if it was going to be big enough for two and I had an honest to God panic attack right there. I asked him to stop talking about room for two because in my life there wasn't two. Just me. He said that I had to at least have a boy toy or two and that I just said no to...after all, while, yes, I might be seeing someone, its not serious or anything I needed to mention. I didn't want to open the gate to that kind of sharing and I most certainly didn't want to give him an opening to talk about his girlfriend.
I did drop a lot of comments that I knew about her. I told him that the ex-bestie had logged into her husbands facebook account and showed me the pictures that were posted of the two of them.
I told him about friends besides Natalie that I'd lost in the past few months, I smoked in front of him, which surprised me as much as him considering how hard I tried to hide my smoking habit from him while we were together.
I told him about my Thing 1 and Thing 2 dates and we had a pretty good laugh about them.
He hugged me good bye when we left and it felt so good just to be hugged again.
I cried the entire way home wondering why my best wasn't good enough for him. But then again, I realized that the way that I was with him wasn't very good either. I wasn't in a right frame of mind and I'm sure that I was a lot for him to deal with. The temper tantrums, the out bursts.
I cried my heart out last night. I cried for what was and what I'd wanted it to be...wanted it so badly that I still hurt from it. Granted, not like I did before. Its a different kind of hurt now. Its that kind of hurt that comes from knowing what it was like to sleep wrapped up in his arms and to have someone to share things with. It the kind of hurt that you have when you loved someone and you've had to let them go. Its the kind of hurt that you have when you know that they have moved on and you wish you had anything to compare it to. Its the kind of hurt that you have when you're lonely.
It was good to know that at least one person that I have had in my life doesn't hate me and it was so good for me to not harbor any hate toward him.
It was totally a double edge sword for me. It was great to see him. Wonderful to talk to him and know that I have a friend.
I miss the idea of what he was. I miss the companionship, the daily phone calls.
I curled up with my bear again last night and tried very hard not to think that I am not enough, or so much to deal with that he left my life.
So there you go. Its quite a thing for me. A pretty big mile stone to have spent time with someone that I loved very much and let him go without telling him that I missed him, or bringing some kind of sadness to our evening. I couldn't say that I was happy for him, but I did wish him luck on the job search.
OK, now onto how to figure out how to get my eyes all unpuffy and go out with the guy that I've been seeing for a little over a month now. After all, while writing this, just got a text from him simply saying "hey" with a smiley face.
I wonder how he knew I needed that....
sometime I'll actually write a blog about him and let you guys in on where I've been for a while.
xoxo,
Me.
No comments:
Post a Comment