Catch up, cold pizza, birthdays and I hit a wall.

I knew I had written a blog since the last one...I just forgot to post it...GEESH!!!


So a LOT has happened since I've last posted anything.  But, I really want to know WHO is reading what I write...I see everyday that SOMEONE is reading my blog.  Someone is reading the words that I send out into cyberspace.  Doesn't anyone have any opinions, comments, words of wisdom, words of critique...stories to share? 

So on the LOTS that's happened:
Went out with Alex and the guy from Cornell.  Alex turned out to be too much.  We had a few fun dates.  He interrupted me a lot, talked about himself a lot but I figured it was a fair trade for the dinners he took me to - after being with GC for so long and going to bars and eating bar food (unless I insisted on going somewhere else) it was nice to be taken to restaurants where the sliders and pizza weren't the best thing they served.  It was also kind of nice to be ordered for.  One thing that Alex could do was order I will tell you that!!  OH - and he can sing and play the guitar which was awesome.  Alas, it came down to this - he just reminded me of a Golden Retriever puppy.  That's what came to mind.  He was always just happy and excited about everything.  EVERYTHING.  Well, that was until the night of my birthday party when I took him home.  I'll GLADLY skip all of the unnecessary details and it wasn't bad, I mean it wasn't the greatest.  It was like cold pizza.  It'll do if its there but its not something that you want again. 
Mr. LA.  A guy that I have been in love with since I was in my 20's suddenly did one of his reappearing acts after disappearing for over a year suddenly texted me to say Happy Birthday...then telling me that he wants to come visit...and yes, I got sucked back in!!!

So that takes us to my birthday party.  Yours truly showed up late to her own party and really the only part of it that I actually remember was walking into the bar with my football helmet on and the rest is history.  I've been told by several people that my party was an Epic time.  Its sad that I was there and don't remember anything but bits and pieces.  Thank goodness there were 200 pictures on my camera the next day...lets just say it was HILARIOUS and I admit a little unnerving to see photos of myself looking somewhat coherent.  I guess this is another one of those moments that when I die will flash before my eyes and I will say "so...THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!!!"

This takes us to birthday day - I took the day off of work to go snowboarding.  I have been overly excited about getting up to the slopes - ESPECIALLY since I have new boots and pants to wear.  My birthday wish was granted by the great powers of the universe and a huge snowstorm blew in right when I was heading up the mountain on the lift for my very first run of the season.  NEVER MIND that there was a HUGE sign at the base of the mountain that said something to the effect of BEGINNERS GO HOME.  Keep this in mind.  I have not been on my board or on the mountain since the end of last season when I caught the back edge of my snowboard doing a turn and facing up the mountain and body slammed myself and hit my head so hard that I got a concussion. 
Well.  Lets just say that the exact same thing happened on my first run down.  Lets just say that after a few more falls and the massive snowstorm that blew in - my first day up wasn't much fun.  NOTE to beginning snowboarders or skiers - don't go up by yourself and try to tackle something that is not a green.  So, now, for my birthday so far I've had an EPIC birthday party that I don't remember, mediocre sex that I wish I didn't remember, my birthday wish of a lot of snow, a few runs down the mountain and a concussion.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Two and a half hours later lets just say I was heading back down the mountain for home.  Thank god I had taken a few Advil before I left that morning otherwise the drive home after those nasty spills would not have been as smooth as it was...never mind that that fantastic snow storm that brought my birthday wish iced over the roads and made it impossible to see more than 10 feet ahead and driving over 20 mph was even more impossible.
The rest of the afternoon was spent with my fabulous Ellie driving around town to get more feather extensions put in my hair (more birthday stuff) and the beanie from Luluemon that I have been lusting after for weeks.  So lets see, epic party, mediocre sex, snow, concussion, feather extensions and a beanie.  Thank goodness I still had my birthday dinner to look forward to.  I knew they were doing a dinner for me, but I had no idea where or who was coming.
Lets rewind to my drive back down the mountain.  I did chat with Alex for a little bit.  He said he was going to dinner with a "teacher friend" at Max's amongst the chit chat and lost signal down the hill. 
Max's is my absolute favorite restaurant.  Great all night happy hour on Thursdays, great food, great atmosphere, super fun bartenders and of course where I met Cornell.
Okay, so now fast forward to 7 pm.  I'm being picked up, I've gotten over 100 happy birthdays by phone calls, Facebook, texts and email.   I even got a phone call from my brother.  A shock within itself!!!  As we're driving I'm thinking were heading to Saucy Noodle - after all we all love Italian!!  Um, but wait a second.  We're heading to the Wash Park area.  Down an all too familiar road...parking and I'm looking around and we start walking past all of the restaurants until the only two places left are Wash Park Tavern and - oh shit.  Max's.
We walk in and of course I do the most immature thing and turn my back toward the bar where I see him.  He's only met Melissa once before at my birthday party so even if he looked over, he wouldn't recognize her and he'd never know I was there.  As we're seated, our table is RIGHT in his line of vision, I glance over, he's still looking oblivious to us being there, but he's by himself - huh. 
Anyway, Sarah shows up and I proceed to tell her and Melissa about "cold pizza" and fill Sarah in on why Alex is sitting at the bar.  At that moment my most favorite bartender that I have lusted over for weeks comes up bringing shots - Compliments of someone at the bar.  AW FUCK.  But hey, what the hell,  I need this shot about now.  Cheers ladies.  Bottoms up.
And wouldn't you know who comes up about 5 minutes later.  I thanked Alex for the shots he had sent over and he said I didn't know you were here until (insert bartender name here) said "Look who just walked in".  I looked at him and said - the girls surprised me with dinner here tonight.  I didn't want to interrupt you, I know you were having dinner with someone."  At that he kissed me on my cheek and hugged me asked me how my head was and headed back to the bar.
About 10 minutes later Candace and her friend showed up and she was like - "I just went up to Alex at the bar and asked him if you guys were here yet, and he said you guys were sitting up here."  I looked at her and said "He's on a date."
Now, lets stop here.  I didn't care that he was on a date.  I didn't want a do over, I knew about him being there with someone else.  I knew that none of my friends liked him and quite frankly everything was just "off" with him.  Nothing really 'clicked'.  He was fun, young and made me smile...and spent a LOT on dinner.  **smile**
What happened after this was when I hit that wall.  That wall that I somehow hit when I have been a little too out of control.  Acting like a train about to derail.  That wall that somehow hits me when I've been drinking too much, out of 'center' and scattered.
Too many shots, too much wine, having a concussion and having the fact that I am 34 years old now, I don't think enough of myself, spending time with a TWENTY SEVEN year old.  That on top of the stone cold fact of turning THIRTY FOUR hit me.  I'd had a plan.  NONE of that plan happened.  And then another fact hit me.  I'd wished for someone special every year.  Someone to love, someone to love me back.  A significant other.  This year I wished for snow.  I got my wish this year. 
And then the tears started.
And they got worse.  And I sent Alex a text to tell him that I couldn't see him anymore.  No explanation.  Just a text - I can't see you anymore. 
And lets say I will NOT be returning to Max's.
Well, the night isn't over yet.  This train wreck was just on shaky wheels. 
I made an important decision on the seven minute ride home.  As many times as I've said it, I'm going to put it into actual effect now.  I will not be someones option or past time anymore.  I am not going to keep seeing someone just because its better than being alone sometimes.  I want to be a priority. 
So I sent Mr.LA a text that basically said that I'm not that 27 year old child anymore, I'm 34 now and as much as I've been in love with him all these years, I don't want to be a past time and I don't want to be someone he passes time with after he's decided to stop being non existent for a year or two at a time...well, something to that effect anyway.  And I sent it.  And then I copied it to send it to Sarah and Melissa to show them that I wasn't going to be a doormat anymore.  And I pasted it into an open text window...and accidentally sent it to Alex.
Train has officially hit wall.
Oh hell...now he thinks I'm crazy...at least now I know I'll definitely never hear from him again.
And so I went to bed.
And I woke up hung over with the ramifications of my concussion making sure I knew I should never drink that much ever again when I have a concussion. 
Holy happy birthday.
Fuck me.
The next morning I woke up to lights hurting my eyes, my head swimming, and it was a little hard for me to talk and my thoughts were very slow.  I think its very sad when you are all too familiar with how a concussion works.  I went to work  and my boss just shook his head at my glassy eyes and said "YOU HIT YOUR HEAD AGAIN??  Maybe you need to try skiing and give up trying to snowboard.  Stop hurting yourself."
I got a text from Cornell that morning asking if we were still on for dinner that night.  I didn't much feel up for it at that moment, but I figured with a nap and a little more Advil I'd be fine...after all since I was moving a little slow and after my epiphany last night, it couldn't hurt...
I met him at Protos - one of my favorite pizza places.  Down low, casual, low lights (THANK GOD).  I hadn't seen Cornell since I met him that night weeks ago at Max's.  Cuter than I remembered.  Very smart.  The kind of guy that has quiet confidence and doesn't have to brag about himself.  It was calming to be around him and he seemed genuinely concerned when I told him about how hard I had hit my head the day before.  He speaks very highly of his family.  We shared a few party stories, so I'm thinking he'll be able to handle keeping up with me there.  He reminded me of the parts of GC I liked, but Cornell has drive and has a lot of things going for him.  He also didn't say anything horrible or negative about his friends getting married.  I sent a silent thank you up to God for that one. 
I hugged him goodbye at the end of dinner.  When I got home I sent him a text that I was home safe and I had a great time and we should get together again if he was up for it.  I got one back from him that said he had a great time too and yes, we'll definitely go out again. 
And at that I let my phone sit quiet.  I didn't text him "just saying Hi!".  I didn't text him to see how his week was or if he was free some night like I normally would.  He called me on Sunday during the second quarter of a very enthralling Broncos Game that I was watching on TV on his way to the airport to see how the rest of my week had gone, how my head was and to see if I had any free time to get together again, but he knew I was probably watching the Broncos game, so if I wanted to call him back I could.  I figured I could multi task and the Broncos were doing amazing so we chatted while he was driving to the airport.  Were going out Friday night.
I started reading a book called Being Happy.  I've started being calmer about things that involve another person.  I started really realizing and not just at face value that I can't do anything about anyone other than me.  I can't force someone to want to spend time with me.  I can't make someone want to go out with me.  If I want to be someones priority, I need to give someone the chance to do so and stop trying to take control of everything.  Its been hard.  Even this week.  I've stayed home, I've cooked myself dinner (which sucked by the way).  I'm dog sitting a friends dog, I've been getting up early in the morning and running on the treadmill again, although I can't do it for long before my head starts throbbing, but that will go away soon. 
I still don't quite get why I haven't been swept up into another relationship again as I have time and time and time again.  Why someone doesn't want to spend every waking minute with me...and then I realize that if I do that again like I have SO many times before, nothing will change and I'll lose even the baby steps I've taken to get a little bit back on track.  I'll get wrapped up again in someone else and forget, again that I'm supposed to be fixing me.
I'm not sure how the dating thing works really, but I do know that lately I have kept the words from the book and movie "He's Just Not That Into You" repeating over and over and over " if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what." 
And until I find that guy who doesn't make it so difficult to hang out with, that calls me to ask me out, I'm not going to try.  I won't be making an effort anymore.  I've made tons of efforts. 
All efforts will be focused on me. 
And I've made a conscious effort to stop drinking so much.  Lord knows I don't want to hit that wall again.
But to my friends, if you see me getting off track again...acting like a train wreck, getting scattered and unfocused.  Just tell me, email me, facebook me, text me these words "you're derailing".
Sometimes when you live alone and have no responsibility but to show up to work and make sure you take a shower and brush your teeth, its easy to get off track and get scattered...

xoxo,
Me.

Let the dating begin!!!!!

...AGAIN that is...
WELL, Real dating - CB wasn't dating - you can't call it dating when you've already known the person.  CB is in his own category.  Cataloged and shelved now since we're just friends again. 

SO...last Thursday I drunkenly agreed to a date with Alex (the night I met the Cornell guy)...I didn't hear from him until I'd pretty much written our date as a no show...like 2 pm...So of course I made him wait a good 45 minutes before I responded. 
We're going to Max's...yes, back to the scene of last Thursday where I met Cornell...HOW FUNNY IS THIS??  His idea - not mine.  Crab legs and Sangria...YUM!

Then I get a text from CB..."Hi Cutie, any storms going on?"  Really??  Really???  The weather channel can tell you that. 

Whatever.

SO...Lets mind prep for being witty and charming and trying to pull together a decent outfit with 80% of my favorite items of clothing that are dirty...dammit.  I knew I should have done laundry on Sunday...

Alright kids...I'll update ya soon!!!

First official date #1...

Epic Fail Broncos and other stuff...

This last weekend was the most EPIC Fail by the Denver Broncos and thank GOD that Moreno brought HIS A-game and put two TD's on the board...my goodness...for the first time ever I was ashamed and embarrassed to say I am a Broncos fan...however, like the good fan that I am - I made Nat stay until the middle of the 4th quarter. 

I wonder if Josh McDaniels or Kyle Orton even went home that night or stayed in some random hotel checked in under a pseudo name because he was afraid of a lynching...
Walking out of that stadium was depressing and not the least bit fun...in fact, as I put it to Nat - we did the Mile High Walk of Shame.


On another note as we back up to last Thursday...I went to happy hour with Sarah.  We started off looking for a Cheerleader costume for her for my birthday party.  It took us a total of 20 minutes to give up on that search and head to Wash Park Tavern to start on cocktails...and an hour later, bored to tears with the atmosphere and food, I begged her to move onto Max's...
YAY!
We proceeded to get very drunk - not on purpose...sometimes that just happens.  Especially when the hot bartender brings over shots.  (Bad Idea). 
Cornell was having their get together that night and had taken over my favorite back area of Max's but that was OK, since a few of them headed to the front bar where we were at anyway.  I took some guys name tag.  We got invited to sit with a bunch of them where I proceeded to drunkenly (very might I add) argue Profit vs. Non Profit companies with one of them.  The argument started by discussing Boulder people and how I love it when Non Profit people walk up to you and try to discuss how For Profit companies are evil (basically in those terms but not exactly), and how I love to tell them that I am a total For Profit employee and you can't persuade me to be otherwise.  The guy sitting on my right side got the venom part of my argument.
Basically I stated, Non Profits could not exist without companies such as the one I work for - I'm proud to say we're For Profit.  I'm not sure how the argument progressed but I told him without the money from people who work for For Profit companies donating to Non Profit companies, Non Profits couldn't exist so he should just shut up and go back to Boulder.
I was probably slurring every syllable.
I ended up talking to the guy on my left who from what I vaguely remember was kinda boring but kinda cute.  I must have amused him or something because he got my number and gave me his card.
He waited 3 days to call me...so the 3 day rule MUST still be in effect for some guys.  It was a very dry conversation, but he did ask me to dinner and of course, who am I to turn dinner down with a very successful and educated guy who isn't bad looking but definitely needs to do something with his hair.  (I know this because true to form, Friday morning I was at my computer "Sherlock Holms-ing" him.  After reading his LinkedIn profile, I'm wondering what on earth this guy saw in my intoxicated red and pink low lited haired self.  Especially since he's more into Soccer than football...
I did learn last night that he's a skier and snowboarder and pretty good at both.  Which impressed me but after our conversation last night I don't think we have anything in common.  I'm going out with him Wednesday night. 
Oh, and while on the subject of dates, Alex, the guy I met at the Fat Tire festival is FINALLY taking me out Tuesday night.  Crab Legs and Sangria.  Sweet!!!
Tonight is dinner with Melissa.  Friday night pumpkin carving at Nats and I'm still not sure what on earth we're doing for Halloween. 
OH, back to the subject of the pink and red low lites...I got them done on Wednesday.  I love love love it.  I shocked the HELL out of everyone in my office.  My boss said he liked it and it was Pizazz.  It was quite funny to get their reactions in the office.  I wanted one more reaction.  I called CB.  Yep, even after I asked him to leave me alone.  I missed him.  A LOT and there was no one I wanted to tell more about the new hair.
He answered his phone before the first ring was finished (I can't tell you how THRILLED I was at that).  We chatted like friends.  He told me about his weekend and the rest of his week.  That he got bit by a ton of fire ants on the golf course, then bit by something that he had to go to the ER for.  How he was doing a mini triathlon or marathon or something on Saturday, then some crazy long ass bike ride on Sunday. 

I told him about the 80s ski party (totally click that link and see how much fun Nat and I had for a great charity!!!!) that Nat and I went to, told him about my hair.  Doing yoga in City Park with 2000 other people.  (My life seems so dull compared to his...).  It wasn't a long conversation, but he did say that he was very glad to hear from me and he was giving me some time like I asked.  I didn't bring up anything heavy, nor did I go into how much I missed him and how sorry I was that I was a brat that last Friday morning.  I just said thank you and changed the subject and told him I was picking up lunch so I had to go, but I just wanted to say hello and it was nice to hear his voice.  Then I said goodbye.  I heard him say "I miss you" as I was  hanging the phone up and as much as I wanted to say "I MISS YOU TOO!!" I knew that it was just best to leave that remark untouched and just as it was.

I texted him a picture of my new hair, to which I got the response "You always look hot, but I like it"

Then I sent him my favorite picture from the 80s Ski Party, To which he replied "You're too much!"  and of course sent me into a huge questioning hunt to figure out if that was a good or bad thing (with myself of course...well and friends opinions...).  It was good to hear his voice.  He made me promise in our call that I would at least go up to the mountains once or twice to snowboard with him.  Of course I said yes, well see if it actually happens.

Lets see what happens Tuesday and Wednesday night.  Lets hope I dont' mess up names.  And I'm not exactly one that's got a lot of experience in the dating world.  I go from relationship to relationship...so if anyone has some good advice for me, bring it on.  Suggestions would be really helpful.  I get nervous on dates and I stick my foot in my mouth a lot.  I'm not a good "dater"...  Now the big question...WHAT the hell do I wear!??!!?



The Friend Break Up

The friend break up.  We've all had them.  They're no different than breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend I suppose.  In some ways they are much more painful. 

Today a very good friend of mine sent me an email explaining that I am, (in her opinion) still making very poor choices when it comes to my life and that we are in different places in our lives and that she doesn't wish me any harm or anything bad, but she doesn't want to be friends.  She didn't come right out and say that exactly, but the entire email basically stated it.  It also stated that who she is friends with shouldn't upset me because of mutual friends, she will be hanging out with and or seeing my last two exes.  The Douche Nozzle and GC.
UH.  Ooookayyyy.

Of course the email bothered me.  I'm not exactly sure as to what bad choices I'm still making - unless she is of course referring to photos of pizza and beer posted on my facebook wall...or maybe its  the amount of time I spend on Facebook?  Or maybe its the pictures that - well, no because I block her from all pictures I post and that are tagged of me unless its something that she was involved in.  Maybe its because I do too many happy hours?  Whatever it is - I'm sure she has her reasons.  And she is right.  I am sometimes an exhausting friend.  However, I have not been going out until 2 am every night and getting absolutely shit faced.  I did not run to Las Vegas and go crazy after GC and I broke up.  I haven't gone out and tried to replace GC with someone just to get over him (now - CB was a rebound but COMPLETELY NOT INTENTIONAL!!!)  Maybe she found my blog and doesn't like me air-ing my life out here like this.  Not sure.

I'm now at a whatever stage with this.  I wrote her a nice email back and said I was sorry for not being able to be more of a friend that she needs and that I will always be a phone call away should she need anything. 

No response.  I didn't really expect one.  Not sure why she's keeping herself as a Facebook friend of mine since she feels I make poor life choices...

I admit.  I haven't been the greatest friend to a lot of people lately...I've been self centered and pretty much focused on the people who are around me most...I hurt a very good friend while GC and I were together by not participating in anything for her wedding.  It took her a very long time to forgive me, but she did.  I point blank told her I knew I was being an asshole of a friend and I just couldn't be happy for her at that point in time.  I couldn't do wedding things with her.  I was in such a black hole in my life at that point.  Its been a slow process in getting back into each others lives, but were trying. 

Anyway...comments, opinions??? Has anyone had the same thing happen to them?  Has anyone had to cut a friend of about a decade or more out because they we're just "too exhausting" and or you two were just "in different places"?

I'd really like to hear from you all...I know you're out there!!  I see you all reading what I'm writing so you must have SOME kind of opinion!!!  :-)

XOXO.

Goodbye is always a sad thing...

I said goodbye to CB today.  I asked him to leave me alone.  Not for good, not forever, but definitely for now.  He came in a day early for his business trip to see me.  He made that effort, and I am SO glad that he did!!!  I just smiled when I saw him at my door and didn't really let go of him unless he was in the bathroom. 
When he is around its like I'm lifted into an alter reality where everything is wonderful.  Everything is bright.  The sun shines just for us and I am transported into this elated person that shines from the inside.  He brings out everything that is good in me.  He makes me want to throw my head back and laugh, to spread my arms open wide and spin in circles.  His presence takes me to "that place" in life that I crave.  I long for.  That I want so badly.  His smiles are just for me - he smiles AT me.  He is the fairy tale come to life that I have always imagined.  It is like being with someone I have known forever.  Even though I haven't.  Its very corny but its like I have known "him".  Like somehow we may have been together in some other lifetime. 
Until its about time for him to leave.
Then the world gets dark, the tears start to flow.  I get bitter and angry.  I get angry at myself for being sad and frustrated when I knew very very well what I was getting into.
Even though I never expected THIS.
He's like heroine. 
I asked him this morning before the sun came up and the alarm went off, and I was being held tight, if I should even try to keep seeing him, or if he even wanted to.  And he was silent.  I laid there for a while and felt the all too familiar feeling of things coming to an official end.  That familiar feeling of being an "option" and not a "priority".  That knowing without words being said that what you both felt in the beginning is only a one sided thing now. 
I understand all of the things he's got going on that he's told me about, the traveling he's doing, the options he has and the decisions he has to make makes it hard for someone to want to add a long distance relationship to the mix.  It also made me realize that I know NOTHING about this man really.  Our world was not anything real.  It was made up for two people who had instant and insane chemistry.  Who clicked and bypassed all the "rituals" of getting to know someone.  We got into something neither one of us really planned on and I think that in my last few hours in Austin with him - this insane thing that we both somehow spiraled into exploded in both of our faces with emotions that left us both kind of wondering "what IS this"??  Well, I can't really speak for him, but I left feeling that way. 
What happened that this man had my head spinning and my heart fluttering and thinking about leaving a state that I have grown to love and friends that I have grown to love as my family?  What did he do to me to make me want to get on a plane back to him as fast as I could and never leave his side? 
Who am I kidding - I know EXACTLY what it was.  It was months and if I really think about it years that I've wanted that kind of affection.  I've begged for it.  Cried for it.  Wanted it so badly that the minute I found just a taste of it, I would have willingly given up everything for it. 
He never made promises.  He got over it faster than I did.  And its because he has so much going on in his life that he has other things that are a priority over some fantasy relationship that never really existed beyond a few days.
I have known deep deep down that things would end.  I hoped that they didn't.  Quite truthfully, being that besotted, that engrossed with a fantasy is almost like being the women that movies like Single White Female and Fatal Attraction are written for.  Although I give myself a little more credit than being crazy like that.  Were I that crazy I would have bought a plane ticket and showed up on his doorstep asking him to marry me.
I never thought that I would get that swept up.  That swept away.  Its easy to do with a fun, charming, self confident man like that.  That man that knows what he is capable of and has a zest for life. 
Maybe right now isn't our time.  I know it hasn't been very long since GC and I split.  I still need to work on ME.  I need to be single.  Get confident in myself and give myself room to breathe and grow.
I will find that person that I am supposed to be with.  But I need to stop making that my main focus in life.  I am not Charlotte York.  I'm not going to make Husband Hunting my main priority. 
I wish it would snow already so I could take a nice drive up to the mountains and take my snowboard out for a while.  I may not be any good at it at all, but I do love being up in the mountains and riding down on the snow, listening to that sound as my snowboard sails down the slopes taking me with it...
I feel like I've lost something today.  Even though I haven't.  I know that CB is a phone call away.  He probably always will be now.  I just wish that I could have a little more of that feeling that he gave me.  I wish the world would melt away.  I want my world where only he and I exist and there is only fun to be had. 
My apartment feels empty without him in it.  Almost the way it felt empty after GC walked out for the last time. 
I think it might just be me that feels empty. 
Our goodbye this morning was hard.  It was sad.  It was more than a little painful and more than just a little expected and definitely due.  I buried my face in his neck for what may have been the last time.  Put my head on his shoulders and kissed him goodbye.  I know its time for me to get back to reality.  To stop constantly thinking about him.  Let it be what it was and will be or not be.  It was an experience that I am happy for.  He gave me back my smile and my hope.

Coming down from cloud nine, Engagement rings and weddings...and am I a Cougar now?

This weekend started out with...fun??  I headed to Broomfield to see a band that a friend of my friend Angie is the lead singer of.  Nothing fancy.  But I'm not sure Broomfield knew what hit it.  At least not the older suburban folks.  I forget sometimes that people exist outside of my world. 
Older men dressed in cowboy attire, older women just sitting at tables looking at us like we're weird.  Girls younger than me dressed in outfits that look like they're trying to get into Suite 200 (a club in Denver that tries to be Vegas exclusive). 
We walked into Bakers Street (the bar in Broomfield), up to the bar and walked into shots of tequila.  Yes, it was going to be that kind of night.  Yes, after my night of mainlining martinis. 
The bartender poured me double shorts of blueberry vodka and sodas.  After a few of those, getting swung around what they would call a dance floor by some dude that was trying to teach me to swing dance, jumping up with the band, sitting with the drummer on his drums and random photos with random people, I got the great idea - SHOTS.  And lets REALLY do this folks - Bartender - here is the recipe for those shots that make me run home and throw up.  Southern Comfort, Amaretto, splash of pineapple, splash of cranberry...I even got one for the cute fat girl that was standing next to me at the bar with toilet paper stuck on her shoes.  Lord knows how long that was going on...I figured she needed one.  After all, she had been standing at the bar with her friends trying to get drinks from the bartender and I walked up and got immediate attention from him. 
I turned around and was asked a question from some guy, who tapped his buddy on his shoulder.  HELLO THERE...
Now let me back up just a little bit.  My phone calls and texts from CB have already dwindled.  He texted me back once saying "howdy partner".  My phone which used to blow up on a daily basis from him is now quiet and silent.  This with seeing GC and his new girlfriend...well, lets just say Drunk Me needed some attention.
So, back to cute boy at Bakers Street.
Cute smile, broad shoulders...he plays hockey - I don't know for who.  I actually don't really care to remember - I know he told me.  I tend to forget little details because when you have to forget about the guy, the less you have to forget, I think is better.  **okay - I think I am officially jaded.
Anyway - Hockey boy asks me what my name is - I tell him.  He looks at me and says - "You live in the DU area." 
Right now as I'm writing this I'm feeling like I should make myself a bloody mary...my drinking is getting a little out of control again...
OKAY - so this random guy who I'm talking to is telling me where I live.  So I respond with a very wary "um, yes.  How do you know this?"
Turns out his friends were the guys that delivered and put together my new bedroom furniture and they left their drill at my place.  Hockey boy was the guy who came to pick up the drill from me at my house. 
Denver is turning out to be as small as Oahu.  I wondered at that moment what State to move to next. 
I met hockey boys dad and the rest of his hockey buddies.  We swapped numbers.  Turns out he is 24.  TWENTY FOUR.  That means next month I will be officially TEN years older than him. 
HOLY DEAR GOD.  Does this mean I'm a Cougar now?

The next day included a few hours at the gym - of course it was Saturday, so to avoid the possibility of running into TWO ex's that go to the closest 24 Hour Fitness, I drove 20 minutes out of the way as to not have to take the chance of running into GC or DN. 
I got a call from a friend on my way home a few hours later saying to come meet them for some pizza and drinks at Uptown Tavern.  UGH - GC's neighborhood.  However, the Georgia game was over (my anger at Georgia winning was taken out on the elliptical at the gym) and it was late in the afternoon.  He's probably hanging out with Granola anyway.
I drank beer (for some reason I have a craving for it now), had sliders, met some fun new people and mini bowled in my gray and black leopard Guess heels and my big shiny heart ring and talking on my phone. 
It was then time to get together with my friend who had recently gotten engaged in Rome.  She met me with our other friend who is moving to London in 2 weeks with her boyfriend that she's known for 6 months and Lyndee. 
As happy as I am for them, it was pretty hard sitting in the middle of them.  All three of them with their happy smiles.  Showing off their rings, talking about moving to London...

I'm coming down from my cloud nine with CB.  I think I'm just sad and lonely right now...I have no idea whats going on with me...All I know is that I really want pancakes and mimosas.  Let the drinking commence.

Sometimes there are just moments in life when main-lining martinis is necessary...

Especially the first time you see pictures of the ex who shattered your heart and the new what-ever-she-is. 

Especially when they're smiling and there are pictures of them canoe-ing and of course your dear friends are saying all the right things to try to make you feel better.  Nothing prepares you for that initial second when you feel as though your heart was just pulled out of your chest by the Jaws of Life and it feels like someone took an axe and drove it right into your head and someone else took a hot metal poker and drove it through your stomach, and all you want to do is kill him.

At that moment you couldn't mainline enough morphine into your system to keep the tears from coming.

At that moment it didn't matter that I have been happier in the last two weeks than I had ever been with GC.  Nothing I had done in the last few weeks could out this feeling. 

That is when you tell the waitress - KEEP THEM COMING AND DO NOT STOP.

You want to look away from those photos and you just can't.  You keep looking and you keep scrolling and you wonder - why didn't I get taken to Estes Park?  Why didn't he ever make an effort to go canoe-ing with me.  WHY THE FUCK DOES HE LOOK HAPPY???  He's wearing the sunglasses I bought him, and what looks like that watch I bought him too...to hang out with that fucking GRANOLA chick.  (Who, by the way, actually looks pretty cool and someone you'd probably like).

And then the hate that you had been trying so hard to keep away settles in...and you don't stop fighting it anymore.  You let that hate seep in around your heart and your head while the martini's are going down, easier and faster than the last one until you cannot look at those photos anymore.

Nat came up with the perfect movie quote at that moment - When Elle is asked if the other girl was as pretty as she was...and it fits Granola to a T.

"She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking."

She is bigger than me, dark hair, almost manly features...very "granola" which is why this will be her name.  She's cute.  I guess.  If you like that kind of look.  Nat said her husband said she looks like she's very low maintenance.  I didn't think I was high maintenance, but maybe I'm that girl...like the one that Billy Crystal describes Meg Ryan as when he says; "You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance".

So dinner turned into starting out blissfully unaware of anything other than what was going on in my life to nose dive. 

I cried on the way home - flat out BAWLED and SOBBED on the way home, took a detour, went to tan at 10:30 at night, got a pep talk from my friend in Hawaii, drank more vodka and passed out sometime after midnight.  The nightmares started again even though I don't remember exactly what they were. 

I woke up this morning feeling like I was hit by a two-ton semi.  I know there is no reason for it.  I guess life always throws you a curve ball. 

So now I deal with puffy eyes and I have no appetite this morning. 
I'm trying my best to pick myself up, dust myself off after this little fall and get back up to where I was 24 hours ago.

I'm better than this wallowing, but its going to take a day or so to get back to normal.  No matter how much you've mentally prepared yourself, you're never really prepared to see it, be it in pictures or in real life...its at those points that you can tell yourself that you've got people around you that will help you pick yourself back up, let you drink yourself into a stupor and let you be irrational just for a few moments while you just let those martinis sink in and you fantasize about him getting into a horrible accident and while he's in the hospital, you go and visit and whisper in his ear while he's in a coma - "YOU DESERVE THIS".  They let the venomous words come out of your mouth and they all join in on bashing the both of them and telling you that you're so much prettier than she is, and they let you feel the hatred and ugliness of the situation...and then start planning winter trips to Crested Butte and make you forget about it all for the moment so you can pull yourself together until you can go home, grab your teddy bear and lose yourself in tears.