It wasn't revenge, but it sure was sweet

I figured out a few days ago that GC still had my Dexter DVDs and my other copy of the Hangover that I lend out (god forbid I have to be deprived of Bradley Cooper in that suit of his at ANY given moment).  He brought them by last night. 
I made sure I looked fantastic.  Hunter Green pencil skirt, super sexy yet business like black top, insane push up bra (come on now...I'm entitled).  Hair done, make up flawless...I answered the door with a smile.  I've got a darker tan (if that was even possible), my hair blonder and 12 pounds lighter than when I last saw him. 
He walked in and saw the new furniture, new comforter, the entire apartment re-arranged.  I showed him the new little SUV that I bought.  We had a beer and chilled out and sat next to the pool and talked for a bit.  I told him about my awesome review and the plans that my boss and I have laid out, how my company will help pay for school when I start after hurricane season.  He said he read Natty's blog about that 14ner I climbed and said he was really proud of me.  It was the greatest feeling in the world to have him walk into my life and see everything that I have changed, to have him see that I am not that crying, whining, clingy little girl that I had somehow become with him.  It was great to have him see me with quiet confidence in myself.  But when he asked how I was doing, it got painful for a moment.  I felt the tears sting the back of my eyes and I took a deep breath and looked at him, gave him a half smile and truthfully told him "I'm getting there". 
It wasn't a moment of revenge, it was a moment that I held close.  He was there next to me, still talking to me, not an ounce of hate or animosity between us.  Just two broken people who somehow found each other.  I am a better person for having had him in my life as he was, as our relationship had been.  I don't think it should have been any other way, but I am an even better person for him taking himself away from me.
It was almost a numbing feeling to see him there, so close, sitting next to me and talking to me like he has done so many times before when I felt so horrible about myself and felt like I wasn't good enough for him.  I could almost feel the iciness of the walls around my heart that have developed over the last few weeks and I wondered if this is how he felt all the time, and that thought made me a little sad.  I know the ice around my heart will melt someday and I will be open and giving as I was with him with someone else.  For now, the ice has gone up and is protecting me as I stumble through my life as it is now.  Picking my way across unfamiliar terrain like I did on Mt. Sherman, taking one step up, only to have it slide half way down.  Little victories followed by a few set backs like tears, loneliness, sadness.  I can't see where this path that I am on is taking me, all I know is that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and just know that I will get there, just like I got to the summit.
When he left, I hugged him a little too long.  It was nice to put my head on his chest just for a second or two and let out a huge sigh.  He paused as I let him go and stood at my doorway looking almost unsure of what to do next.  I gave him a little smile and said goodbye.  I didn't say I would see him soon or again for that fact.  I let him go without pain or struggle and let a few tears fall after I shut the door.

Then I picked up my purse and headed out to dinner with ML and AH.  As I sat down, I realized that I wasn't "heavy" anymore.  I am still out of sorts with myself and uncomfortable "single", but I smiled as I poured myself a beer and filled them in with what just happened. 
They smiled with me, told me how proud they were of me and reassured me that the one will come along.  I wondered when I would ever feel the want to let down the walls and possibly date again and let someone get close. 
And then a guy walked into my line of site.  Chiseled features, a smile that put GCs to shame, something about him just made me watch and when he turned a faced me I actually kinda gasped for air.  Wonderful to look at, fun to watch from afar. The girls urged me to go talk to him, to write my number on a napkin and give it to him.  I smiled and knew as easy as that would be, now was just not the right time for me.  I need to give myself time to get to know me, to heal, to grow and set secure with who I am.
I did however stop off at his table on our way out, tapped him on the shoulder and looked down at him and said " You are the most beautiful thing I have seen all day".  He looked at me and said "I would say the same thing about you".  I smiled at him, said thank you, lifted my head and my shoulders squared up and I walked away. 
It wasn't about revenge today, but my god, whatever it was, it was absolutely sweet.

Here I go...

So here it is.  My first ever post for my first ever blog.  My diary, my thoughts, my journal of events, self discovery and I'm more than sure where I'll post my sad thoughts among the happy ones...
Today I woke up for the first time since the break up refreshed...(thank god for Xanax).  No nightmares last night.  If I had them, I don't remember them.
I'm normal today.  I didn't listen to sad songs this morning.  I didn't feel "heavy".  The break up process suck.  SUCKS badly, but I won't go into that right now...I know those posts are coming and I'm sure I'll get sick of them just like I'm sure my poor friends are sick of hearing about it...(thank goodness I have several different circles of friends so I can give them all a break.)
Today I feel like I'm joining the world again. 
I had a great dinner and a few glasses of Pinot Noir (LOVE PINOTS!!) great damned chicken wings (I'm so picky about those), great damned pizza and great company coming from someone I didn't really expect to have it come from.  I'll call him Rink.
I went to dinner with Rink to a new place that I've never been and had a wonderful time.  He let me vent, which was nice.  Didn't have much to say, but just let me talk.  The good, the bad.  He just let me talk.  Then he said "You just have to see how great other people think you are.  When you believe what other people see its going to be great for you."
I've heard things like this over and over and over again from my inner circle of people I hold near and dear (I've chalked that up to them being biased cause they are my friends), but this came from someone whom I've never really had a deep conversation with.  Who I've never really let be apart of my inner circle (I'm a Scorpio BTW).  THEN the next thing he said floored me. 
Rink is very good friends with a previous ex that I will call DN (Douche Nozzle - I learned that phrase yesterday and loved it).  They do Taco Tuesdays together, etc...etc...and that's taken me a year to come to terms with this because I HATE DN...anyway I'm getting off topic which I do often as most people with ADD do.  ANYWAY.  The thing that he said that floored me was DN fully admitted what he did to me was horrible.  I know I'll never hear an apology from DN, but the fact that he would admit it was incredible to me.  It still didn't make me feel bad for dunking DNs toothbrush in the toilet when I was moving out and scrubbing the inside of the toilet with said toothbrush then putting it back in the toothbrush holder. 

I'm super excited for my girls happy hour tonight.  Margaritas.  I love GOOD margaritas.  I love being around grounded and happy women who are secure in themselves.  This is what I am looking forward to most.  I thrive off of people like this.  Then I'm off to Jet to hang out with some friends I haven't seen in a very long time that I've missed very much.  I think a VIP table and surrounding myself amongst my beautiful friends is just what I need.  Saturday I'm going back to my most favorite ever yoga class.  I have such a girl crush on my teacher.  She's beautiful.  There's also something about her that just makes you surrender your soul for an hour out of the day.  She makes you want to lay your heart out and gives you insightful things to think about.  Almost Eat, Pray, Love-ish.  AND she helped me get over my fear of doing handstands.  Not that I can do them myself yet, but I don't freak out when I'm upside down anymore.  Which I find slightly poetic since my entire life is turning upside down.  (Self discovery wise).  Then onto the biggest concert here in Denver.  I get to see 6 or so of my favorite bands and i'm going to be with my one of my besties and her husband and other friends. 
Sunday will be hard because that's the day that GC (the recent break up) and I would invite everyone (mostly his friends) over to my pool and spend the day with friends in the sun, then have a great dinner, great sex, watch a movie and Entourage or whatever series we were on and fall asleep together.  I would fall asleep with my face pressed on his arm and the smell of his skin would put me into such a relaxed and content state that nightmares wouldn't plague me like they usually do.  But I won't think about that right now...
Right now, its time for me to focus on work and getting through Friday at the office.  My boss told me I looked nice today - he never tells me I look nice...guess I've been a little bit of a slob and haggard looking from the lack of sleep and anxiety for a while.
Head Up, Chin Up right?