I DID THAT!!!

This weekend was supposed to just be a get away camping trip with two of my favorite couples that I get to hang out with - of course one of these being the Bestie and her husband.  I had no clue or idea it would be a weekend that changed my life.  It was like skydiving on crack.
I am still on an adrenaline high.  I am still in awe.  I did not forget the physical challenge, I did not forget the mental drain.  I have forgotten what it actually feels like (well except for my calves that is), but I cannot believe that I actually did this.
I hiked a 14ner.  I got my ass up Mt. Sherman.  This girl from Hawaii who HATES working out more than anything in the world.
At 14,036' Mount Sherman is the 46th highest peak in Colorado. Situated in the Mosquito Range, it lies roughly midway between the cities of Fairplay and Leadville.

We got there right before 8 am.  Nat (my bestie), her husband CM, our recently engaged friends LH and Mark.  Mt. Sherman takes approximately 5 hours to complete on average.  It usually takes about 3 hours to summit and 2 hours to come down.  This is all loose rock and no firm footing.  You don't hike straight up...you take the LONG way around.

You take a step and your foot slides half way down.  Its exhausting, defeating and it makes you want to just quit...especially after the last few weeks of emotional hell, not eating much and smoking too much.

Well, GC did three of them on that damn camping trip I had my sprained ankle on.  Like hell I was going to not get up there. 

It was pure hell and torture.  This was not fun.  This was pure physical exhaustion on my part, pure mental anguish and hell.  My besties husband stayed with me every step of the way.  I had to stop every few feet.  I lost my breath,  I saw spots, I almost passed out.  I almost quit and started down the mountain.

After the saddle back, and the climb up toward the summit, probably about when I was reaching about 14,000 feet, I started having a panic attack and hyperventilating. Seriously I thought it was over.  I sat down and just let the tears roll.  My body wanted to quit, my lungs wouldn't cooperate, my legs were like jello and the crazy dizziness and altitude sickness was getting the best of me.  Thank god CM was there.  He sat down next to me and said, you're not giving up and quiting.  You're too close.  Lets go. 

And I stood up and went.  I followed heavy step following heavy step.  The mantra of "one step at a time, one step at a time" going through my head.  Each step was harder than the last, I have no idea how I got as far as I did.  It was sheer will power even when I just wanted to give up so badly and lay everything I had down and call it quits. 

I got encouragement from everyone coming down, You're almost there, keep at it, you're doing great.  Strangers who did not know me but could probably see the defeat and hopelessness written all over my face.

One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other.  10 steps, stop, break, catch breath.  On and on and on it kept going.  I stopped looking up for the summit because it seemed it never got closer.  It was the views and looking out on the world that kept me going.  I have gotten this far.  I will never live with myself if i quit. 

For me this was a life turning point.  I had pushed myself to the point of utter exhaustion for my body.  My mind was in utter shambles.  It was like my life had met me here on this mountain.  For me the mountain was every obstacle I have been trying to clear in my mind.  To prove that I am someone to be proud of.  To prove to myself that I am strong and I can overcome anything. 

I don't think there are words that could describe the minute I thougth I was going to lay it all down, give up and walk back down and I did not give up, but I kept going. 

One foot in front of the other...CM telling me to keep going.  Strangers telling me I was almost there. 

I cannot describe the feeling when I finally reached that summit and I had Nat, CM, LH and Mark all cheer for me as loud as they could.  I cried.  Relief, accomplishment...I did it.  I physically and mentally exhausted myself past anything I had pushed myself before.  I stepped far far out of my comfort zone and believe it or not, made it to the summit under 3 hours. 

I looked out at the ranges and at the world and at that moment I realized that there was nothing in my life that I couldn't push myself through.  It was like I'd conquered my life.  I got a firm grip and a firm footing even when there was none.  I kept my head down and I powered through it.  I had no idea where I was going or what it would look like when I got there.  But I didn't need to know.  All I needed to know was that I could do what I thought was impossible.  The biggest accomplishment of my life.  At the top of that mountain I found the girl who quit her job, packed her bags with nothing guaranteed and not much money and a bunch of clothes in search for a new life.  I found the girl who jumps out of airplanes.  I felt alive and humbled and I don't know how on earth I will ever thank Nat and CM for this. 

SO - I know as much of an accomplishment that this is - I still have a driving force that makes me want to do two more this year.  Like hell I am going to let GC have two more under his belt than me.  And I suppose that this is a stupid reason to put myself under that kind of strain and pain, but it is what I need to stop feeling so inferior to someone who unknowingly made me feel worthless and not equal or good enough.  I need it for myself and I picked up some kind of "fire" at the top of that mountain.  I won't ever forget it.  I may forget the feeling of the physical pain at that moment.  I'll forget everything but the feeling when I got to the top of that summit.  I can do ANYTHING now.  I can get through anything and I'll come out on top and so much of a better person than I was when I was at the bottom.

Finally reaching the summit of Mt. Sherman.   You can't see them, but there were tears behind those glasses...

Break Ups REALLY Suck...

How do you argue with someone when they say "I really like you, I care about you, I just don't love you, I can't give you the things you want?"  It feels like taking a GUT PUNCH followed by an upper cut to the nose would feel much better than hearing this.
How do you make your heart understand when you love him so much that it consumes you?
How do you let go when everywhere you turn everything reminds you of him, every song on the radio makes you cry? 
How do you deal when memories come up out of no where and the ring tone that used to be the one that rang on your phone when he called sounds around you on someone else's phone?
How do you deal when you crawl into bed and the silence envelopes you and the only person that you want is him.  SO BADLY in fact that your entire body aches and the tears feel like they will never stop.  The ache runs through your body and all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs.
You think about him and wonder what he's doing, if he even misses you, if he even thinks about you.  You know he's not.  He's continuing with his life without you.  If he wanted you as badly as you wanted him, he wouldn't have let you go. 
The comforting smell on his pillow fades and burying your face in this pillow doesn't bring one ounce of comfort so you can sleep.
You wake up in tears in the middle of the night because your dreams feel so real and you end up wondering why you couldn't just settle for what you had because at least he was STILL HERE. 
There wasn't anything wrong with our relationship except he didn't love me.  He cared about me...maybe all he needed was time.  Maybe I needed more patience.  What could I have done better?  What more could I have done?  WHY am I not good enough for him to LOVE ME?
Packing up his things was numbing.  Taking the photos down was defeating. 
When he came to pick up his things, it was like someone sucked the very air out of my lungs.  I tried to keep the tortured look from my face, I'm sure it showed.  I tried not to think of how I could change his mind.  To make him see that the pain I was feeling.  I just wanted to beg him to PLEASE change his mind.  To tell him that there are too many things I wanted to do with him, too many things left to do!  I don't want to let you go!! I will be fine if you don't go.  I won't demand anything of you anymore.  I will wait for you to love me.  Tell me there is a reason to fight and I'll stay!!!  I don't want to be without you!!!!! But I said none of those things...Instead just tried not to watch him in my apartment for the last time.
He looked at me before he left and his face was sad.  "I'm sorry."  and then;" Did you want to talk?"  and as much as I wanted to say yes, to keep him around just a little longer.  Just so I could prolong him walking out of my life and maybe it would make him see...I knew that all of that was for nothing and there really was NOTHING left to talk about.  Again.  How can you argue when someone says that he doesn't want to take those steps in a relationship - not with ANYONE.  He's closed off, he doesn't want to go there.  But he wants me to be happy and I deserve more than he can give me. 
As I write this I feel so pathetic.  Where did the girl go that would have given him a "fuck you" and leave his stuff on the door step?  That girl had never dated anyone like him.  Genuine gentleman, honest, truthful, caring, not an ounce of "player" in him.  Smart, funny, SO much in common, understanding and we had chemistry that wouldn't quit. 
I walk around an apartment that has no other memories but him in it.  I can't picture anyone else here with me.  Anyone else sleeping next to me in my bed. 
I know that this feeling will fade with time and I'll meet someone new.  Possibly someone that will actually LOVE me, not just LIKE me. 
I had a friend say that one of the best things about me was watching me walk into a room and light it up.  That I would give off a feeling of happiness and excitement.  I haven't felt like that in a long time.  Even though this break up is one week old to the minute it feels like I haven't lit up from the inside for a very long time.  It takes a toll on a person who's heart just wants to love everyone and the one person you want to love the most, you know you CAN'T.  Not because you don't want to or you don't feel that way, its because you KNOW that you shouldn't.  That he needed his space.  That he wasn't ready for everything that you are...however, you never stop hoping.  It destroyed parts of me everyday.  Made me feel unworthy, not good enough, angry, anxious.  SHOPPING didn't even make me feel better.
I know I'm on a road to something better.  I know that he was put into my life for very good reasons.  I still can't help but feeling so "heavy" that I can barely make myself get out of bed.  I'm quiet.  My thoughts race, I pace constantly.  I can't sleep and my nightmares are back.  I never had them when he slept next to me.
My heart and my soul need a break.  My heart and mind need to forget him.  I need to stop thinking of him as soon as I want to share something that happened in my day.  I need to stop thinking how I'll be replaced and there will be someone with him soon.  That his smile will be for someone else while I mourn the loss of something I felt was wonderful.  Mourn someone who was so very important to me.  Deal with and accept the fact that I did not mean as much to him as he meant to me. 
I've been through this enough to know that there is life around the corner waiting to embrace me again as soon as I am ready to get back to it.  I will laugh again, my smile won't be forced and the light that I used to feel will come back.  In time.  Time, time, time...and then I'll get back out there and do it all over again.  A little more scarred, a little more scared with guarded hope that someday I will hear the words "I love you" come from someone who loves me as much in return.
Until then, I know I have to just hold out my hand and say "Help" and I KNOW that I will have at least ten reaching back out to pull me through this.  They will be there unconditionally for me and tell me that I am WORTH loving, worth more than settling and they will help me push the sadness and loneliness away.  I have such wonderful friends.  I am eternally grateful for them and utterly humbled by their words of encouragement, their words of support, their understanding.

Here I go...

So here it is.  My first ever post for my first ever blog.  My diary, my thoughts, my journal of events, self discovery and I'm more than sure where I'll post my sad thoughts among the happy ones...
Today I woke up for the first time since the break up refreshed...(thank god for Xanax).  No nightmares last night.  If I had them, I don't remember them.
I'm normal today.  I didn't listen to sad songs this morning.  I didn't feel "heavy".  The break up process suck.  SUCKS badly, but I won't go into that right now...I know those posts are coming and I'm sure I'll get sick of them just like I'm sure my poor friends are sick of hearing about it...(thank goodness I have several different circles of friends so I can give them all a break.)
Today I feel like I'm joining the world again. 
I had a great dinner and a few glasses of Pinot Noir (LOVE PINOTS!!) great damned chicken wings (I'm so picky about those), great damned pizza and great company coming from someone I didn't really expect to have it come from.  I'll call him Rink.
I went to dinner with Rink to a new place that I've never been and had a wonderful time.  He let me vent, which was nice.  Didn't have much to say, but just let me talk.  The good, the bad.  He just let me talk.  Then he said "You just have to see how great other people think you are.  When you believe what other people see its going to be great for you."
I've heard things like this over and over and over again from my inner circle of people I hold near and dear (I've chalked that up to them being biased cause they are my friends), but this came from someone whom I've never really had a deep conversation with.  Who I've never really let be apart of my inner circle (I'm a Scorpio BTW).  THEN the next thing he said floored me. 
Rink is very good friends with a previous ex that I will call DN (Douche Nozzle - I learned that phrase yesterday and loved it).  They do Taco Tuesdays together, etc...etc...and that's taken me a year to come to terms with this because I HATE DN...anyway I'm getting off topic which I do often as most people with ADD do.  ANYWAY.  The thing that he said that floored me was DN fully admitted what he did to me was horrible.  I know I'll never hear an apology from DN, but the fact that he would admit it was incredible to me.  It still didn't make me feel bad for dunking DNs toothbrush in the toilet when I was moving out and scrubbing the inside of the toilet with said toothbrush then putting it back in the toothbrush holder. 

I'm super excited for my girls happy hour tonight.  Margaritas.  I love GOOD margaritas.  I love being around grounded and happy women who are secure in themselves.  This is what I am looking forward to most.  I thrive off of people like this.  Then I'm off to Jet to hang out with some friends I haven't seen in a very long time that I've missed very much.  I think a VIP table and surrounding myself amongst my beautiful friends is just what I need.  Saturday I'm going back to my most favorite ever yoga class.  I have such a girl crush on my teacher.  She's beautiful.  There's also something about her that just makes you surrender your soul for an hour out of the day.  She makes you want to lay your heart out and gives you insightful things to think about.  Almost Eat, Pray, Love-ish.  AND she helped me get over my fear of doing handstands.  Not that I can do them myself yet, but I don't freak out when I'm upside down anymore.  Which I find slightly poetic since my entire life is turning upside down.  (Self discovery wise).  Then onto the biggest concert here in Denver.  I get to see 6 or so of my favorite bands and i'm going to be with my one of my besties and her husband and other friends. 
Sunday will be hard because that's the day that GC (the recent break up) and I would invite everyone (mostly his friends) over to my pool and spend the day with friends in the sun, then have a great dinner, great sex, watch a movie and Entourage or whatever series we were on and fall asleep together.  I would fall asleep with my face pressed on his arm and the smell of his skin would put me into such a relaxed and content state that nightmares wouldn't plague me like they usually do.  But I won't think about that right now...
Right now, its time for me to focus on work and getting through Friday at the office.  My boss told me I looked nice today - he never tells me I look nice...guess I've been a little bit of a slob and haggard looking from the lack of sleep and anxiety for a while.
Head Up, Chin Up right?