How do you make your heart understand when you love him so much that it consumes you?
How do you let go when everywhere you turn everything reminds you of him, every song on the radio makes you cry?
How do you deal when memories come up out of no where and the ring tone that used to be the one that rang on your phone when he called sounds around you on someone else's phone?
How do you deal when you crawl into bed and the silence envelopes you and the only person that you want is him. SO BADLY in fact that your entire body aches and the tears feel like they will never stop. The ache runs through your body and all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs.
You think about him and wonder what he's doing, if he even misses you, if he even thinks about you. You know he's not. He's continuing with his life without you. If he wanted you as badly as you wanted him, he wouldn't have let you go.
The comforting smell on his pillow fades and burying your face in this pillow doesn't bring one ounce of comfort so you can sleep.
You wake up in tears in the middle of the night because your dreams feel so real and you end up wondering why you couldn't just settle for what you had because at least he was STILL HERE.
There wasn't anything wrong with our relationship except he didn't love me. He cared about me...maybe all he needed was time. Maybe I needed more patience. What could I have done better? What more could I have done? WHY am I not good enough for him to LOVE ME?
Packing up his things was numbing. Taking the photos down was defeating.
When he came to pick up his things, it was like someone sucked the very air out of my lungs. I tried to keep the tortured look from my face, I'm sure it showed. I tried not to think of how I could change his mind. To make him see that the pain I was feeling. I just wanted to beg him to PLEASE change his mind. To tell him that there are too many things I wanted to do with him, too many things left to do! I don't want to let you go!! I will be fine if you don't go. I won't demand anything of you anymore. I will wait for you to love me. Tell me there is a reason to fight and I'll stay!!! I don't want to be without you!!!!! But I said none of those things...Instead just tried not to watch him in my apartment for the last time.
He looked at me before he left and his face was sad. "I'm sorry." and then;" Did you want to talk?" and as much as I wanted to say yes, to keep him around just a little longer. Just so I could prolong him walking out of my life and maybe it would make him see...I knew that all of that was for nothing and there really was NOTHING left to talk about. Again. How can you argue when someone says that he doesn't want to take those steps in a relationship - not with ANYONE. He's closed off, he doesn't want to go there. But he wants me to be happy and I deserve more than he can give me.
As I write this I feel so pathetic. Where did the girl go that would have given him a "fuck you" and leave his stuff on the door step? That girl had never dated anyone like him. Genuine gentleman, honest, truthful, caring, not an ounce of "player" in him. Smart, funny, SO much in common, understanding and we had chemistry that wouldn't quit.
I walk around an apartment that has no other memories but him in it. I can't picture anyone else here with me. Anyone else sleeping next to me in my bed.
I know that this feeling will fade with time and I'll meet someone new. Possibly someone that will actually LOVE me, not just LIKE me.
I had a friend say that one of the best things about me was watching me walk into a room and light it up. That I would give off a feeling of happiness and excitement. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Even though this break up is one week old to the minute it feels like I haven't lit up from the inside for a very long time. It takes a toll on a person who's heart just wants to love everyone and the one person you want to love the most, you know you CAN'T. Not because you don't want to or you don't feel that way, its because you KNOW that you shouldn't. That he needed his space. That he wasn't ready for everything that you are...however, you never stop hoping. It destroyed parts of me everyday. Made me feel unworthy, not good enough, angry, anxious. SHOPPING didn't even make me feel better.
I know I'm on a road to something better. I know that he was put into my life for very good reasons. I still can't help but feeling so "heavy" that I can barely make myself get out of bed. I'm quiet. My thoughts race, I pace constantly. I can't sleep and my nightmares are back. I never had them when he slept next to me.
My heart and my soul need a break. My heart and mind need to forget him. I need to stop thinking of him as soon as I want to share something that happened in my day. I need to stop thinking how I'll be replaced and there will be someone with him soon. That his smile will be for someone else while I mourn the loss of something I felt was wonderful. Mourn someone who was so very important to me. Deal with and accept the fact that I did not mean as much to him as he meant to me.
I've been through this enough to know that there is life around the corner waiting to embrace me again as soon as I am ready to get back to it. I will laugh again, my smile won't be forced and the light that I used to feel will come back. In time. Time, time, time...and then I'll get back out there and do it all over again. A little more scarred, a little more scared with guarded hope that someday I will hear the words "I love you" come from someone who loves me as much in return.
Until then, I know I have to just hold out my hand and say "Help" and I KNOW that I will have at least ten reaching back out to pull me through this. They will be there unconditionally for me and tell me that I am WORTH loving, worth more than settling and they will help me push the sadness and loneliness away. I have such wonderful friends. I am eternally grateful for them and utterly humbled by their words of encouragement, their words of support, their understanding.
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