Sometimes there are just moments in life when main-lining martinis is necessary...

Especially the first time you see pictures of the ex who shattered your heart and the new what-ever-she-is. 

Especially when they're smiling and there are pictures of them canoe-ing and of course your dear friends are saying all the right things to try to make you feel better.  Nothing prepares you for that initial second when you feel as though your heart was just pulled out of your chest by the Jaws of Life and it feels like someone took an axe and drove it right into your head and someone else took a hot metal poker and drove it through your stomach, and all you want to do is kill him.

At that moment you couldn't mainline enough morphine into your system to keep the tears from coming.

At that moment it didn't matter that I have been happier in the last two weeks than I had ever been with GC.  Nothing I had done in the last few weeks could out this feeling. 

That is when you tell the waitress - KEEP THEM COMING AND DO NOT STOP.

You want to look away from those photos and you just can't.  You keep looking and you keep scrolling and you wonder - why didn't I get taken to Estes Park?  Why didn't he ever make an effort to go canoe-ing with me.  WHY THE FUCK DOES HE LOOK HAPPY???  He's wearing the sunglasses I bought him, and what looks like that watch I bought him too...to hang out with that fucking GRANOLA chick.  (Who, by the way, actually looks pretty cool and someone you'd probably like).

And then the hate that you had been trying so hard to keep away settles in...and you don't stop fighting it anymore.  You let that hate seep in around your heart and your head while the martini's are going down, easier and faster than the last one until you cannot look at those photos anymore.

Nat came up with the perfect movie quote at that moment - When Elle is asked if the other girl was as pretty as she was...and it fits Granola to a T.

"She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking."

She is bigger than me, dark hair, almost manly features...very "granola" which is why this will be her name.  She's cute.  I guess.  If you like that kind of look.  Nat said her husband said she looks like she's very low maintenance.  I didn't think I was high maintenance, but maybe I'm that girl...like the one that Billy Crystal describes Meg Ryan as when he says; "You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance".

So dinner turned into starting out blissfully unaware of anything other than what was going on in my life to nose dive. 

I cried on the way home - flat out BAWLED and SOBBED on the way home, took a detour, went to tan at 10:30 at night, got a pep talk from my friend in Hawaii, drank more vodka and passed out sometime after midnight.  The nightmares started again even though I don't remember exactly what they were. 

I woke up this morning feeling like I was hit by a two-ton semi.  I know there is no reason for it.  I guess life always throws you a curve ball. 

So now I deal with puffy eyes and I have no appetite this morning. 
I'm trying my best to pick myself up, dust myself off after this little fall and get back up to where I was 24 hours ago.

I'm better than this wallowing, but its going to take a day or so to get back to normal.  No matter how much you've mentally prepared yourself, you're never really prepared to see it, be it in pictures or in real life...its at those points that you can tell yourself that you've got people around you that will help you pick yourself back up, let you drink yourself into a stupor and let you be irrational just for a few moments while you just let those martinis sink in and you fantasize about him getting into a horrible accident and while he's in the hospital, you go and visit and whisper in his ear while he's in a coma - "YOU DESERVE THIS".  They let the venomous words come out of your mouth and they all join in on bashing the both of them and telling you that you're so much prettier than she is, and they let you feel the hatred and ugliness of the situation...and then start planning winter trips to Crested Butte and make you forget about it all for the moment so you can pull yourself together until you can go home, grab your teddy bear and lose yourself in tears.

Its time to rant...

I have a lot on my mind today.
#1 - CB is coming into town next Thursday. 
#2 - GC has made me want to pull off the nice gloves. 

On thought #1, the last few weeks and the weekends spent have been great and wonderful and blissful and everything the beginning of something or nothing should be.  I am allowed to have butterflies and have my heart flutter and have thoughts spin out of control...as they are staring to be reigned in...
That last day with CB was great - the last few hours not so much.  Where did my crying fit come from?  WHY did a crying fit start?  I knew for a fact that I was leaving.  I know that he lives there and I live here and its geographically challenging and that things would not be as they are with different circumstances.  Like us living in the same area. 
I am infatuated with the attention, I am giddy over being able to be giddy over someone.  I love the little things that he does; plug my cell phone in for me, opens my doors, holds me the whole night through.  Tells me he just wants to show me off to everyone.
I will allow myself to feel giddy and be able to let myself believe that there is HOPE for a future.  Maybe not with him - but with SOMEONE.  He is incredible.  Right now.  He is proud to be seen with me - to introduce me to his friends, assure me that his friends LIKE me, he hugs me close and makes sure that I want for nothing while I am with him.
So far across the field of what I let myself settle for with GC. So far the other way of what I was in "love" with.  So far from someone who put such a wall around himself...I relish the openness of CB.  The way he takes my hand all the time.  Just the way I catch him look at me.  My heart, my ego, my soul needs this.  I thrive from it.  At times I am so happy that I feel like I am going to burst.  I have forgotten that THIS is what being with someone is supposed to be like - even if it is a fairy tale right now.
Which brought me to ask myself this question - if this pans out, something happens and the choice came down to it - would I move?  Very insane answer to ask when really we've only been on this level with each other for a few weeks, but what if this does not fizzle out?  Being involved with someone who lives in another state boils down to one thing if things do work out - MOVING.  I think its something that you should think about in the beginning - even if they don't get to a serious point.
I love my life here.  It is MY life, one that I created, worked for and work hard to maintain.  I love my friends here.  Some of the most incredible people I have ever met in my life.  They are the loves of my life right now.  I am in love with this State, the mountains, the snow, the Summers, the Fall, the Spring.  I wanted to learn to snowboard, I have (okay well somewhat), I learned to like hiking.  I have done more things that I would never have done in my life here with the people that I have surrounded myself with.  I think of where I think of as home and I have this comforting feeling looking at the mountains.  I feel at peace here.  There is no other place I would ever want to be.  I need those mountains like I need air.  I can get lost in them just looking at them.  I feel as though I finally have roots.  I have become the person that I have become because of this place and the people that surround me.  The thought of moving sends me into a panic attack.  Can we just clone CB, leave that one in Austin and see where things go so I can know what life is really like and what he's really like? 

My second rant - a dumb one but one that has got my blood boiling.  GC.  I've wondered about him everyday.  I won't lie.  I've thought about him probably everyday.  There have been moments that I missed him so much it hurt.  The tears have stopped and every day that passes I am more sure that being without him is so good for me.  I tried very very hard not to let hate build in my heart for him.  Tried very hard to keep the possibility open to a friendship down the road.  He blocked all of my girlfriends that he kept as friends on Facebook from reading anything on his wall.  WTF??  not like any of us cared about what he was doing, but what is on there that needs to be kept hidden from my girls?  Am I having them SPY on him for me?  Does he think that I am so obsessively in love with him still that I'm having them tell me everything he's doing??  Is he dating someone and they've got stuff posted all over the place?  GC actually told a guy friend of mine that saw him at a bar not to tell me that they talked.  I mean REALLY?? 
Sure, I deleted GC off of my Facebook wall, I blocked him.  I deleted his friends.  That is probably immature in many peoples eyes and there are a few people who told me as much.  But a professional therapist would say THAT IS THE BEST THING TO DO!!  There are no urges to Skype him, to troll Facebook walls to see what he's doing, dating, whatever.  It helps the heart heal and forget.  It helps to MOVE ON.  Sure, I want to send him an email and attach that amazing picture of CB and I where all you can see are our faces and me with that smile on my face and my eyes closed - in probably one of the most happiest, intimate, cloud floating moments ever captured in my life and have the email say - I NEVER felt this way with you.  THANK YOU!!!! 
But what I have now with CB - real or not, is not something that is being done out of revenge.  It has nothing to do with GC other than I would not have known the feelings that I have with CB.
anyway - back to my rant. He not only blocked my friends - which I asked him to delete when we first broke up and he didn't do - but he walked into a restaurant that two of my friends were at and took one look at them and left. 
um - RUDE.
My friends and I were nothing but nice to him.  Accepting, they welcomed him with open arms. 
I've never snubbed any of his friends out in public - and if they take offence to me deleting them off of Facebook, well, then that's just their problem.
I made this break up EASY for GC - no hate, no animosity.  No reason to ever want to bash the headlights on each others cars in. 
Yes, I think GC is lazy.  I think he has no drive.  I think he's a person that floats through life. 
CB is completely opposite - we're constantly doing something, he makes me want to get out and exercise.  We go for walks, for hikes.  CB makes an effort to be with me.  He wants me around for "boys weekend".  GC fit me in when it was convenient for him.  I'd like to be able to punch GC in square in the nose with an anvil fist like in the cartoons. 
He may have started seeing someone that is here and available all the time, while I'm sorting through things with someone that lives hundreds of miles away.  But I'm pretty sure that I've got the one up.  She may be smitten right now and she may already be hanging out with all of his friends, but she'll find out, and I hope that she's crazy when things come to an end for them.  I hope she bashes his car windows out, slashes his tires and gives him herpes. 
(so i'm not TOTALLY mature...)

WHOA...hang on a second here...WTF is going on??

I jumped on a plane and headed for Texas Friday night.  Austin to be exact.  I know.  WHAT THE FUCK.
I have avoided Texas since the day I left.  I have been back twice since I was 21.  Both times I had to be told I needed to go.  Once was for work.  I mentally clawed the air trying to get time to speed up so I could get back to Colorado.
This time the plane I was on couldn't fly fast enough.  Toward Texas.  Even I am still in disbelief. 
Its because HE'S there.  With those incredible blue eyes and a great smile and that incredible laugh and those arms that envelope me when he hugs me.  Just being around him drowns out the rest of the world...
and by the way...I'm pretty sure that he and I put the girl that lives next door to me to shame this weekend.
We ate, we drank (A LOT), explored, went for a walk.  He plugged my phone in for me every night because I'm always on it and I forget to charge it.  He made the local coffee place make me their version of a soy mocha frapp while I took a shower.  He slept with his arms around me and I was happily sandwiched between him and the 100 lbs yellow lab he was watching for the weekend.  I slept deeply and soundly and his snoring didn't bother me a bit.  Not once was I plagued with nightmares...
I wondered how on earth two people could spend just a few days together and be as attached as we've gotten.  He had a panic attack.  I couldn't hold back my tears.  He kept telling me to stay, not to leave.  It made it that much harder to stop the tears.  It was something that bewildered both of us and neither of us could figure out where it came from. 
How do we fit so well together?  Even just holding his hand...When I have my head on his chest it feels like two puzzle pieces that just fit. 
What do you do when you live States away and everything is new?  I offer that question out to the world...I know not to focus on him.  I know that this is two weeks I know that this is a rebound but what if its not?  What if everything I have ever wanted in a man, and everything I didn't know could exist is HERE? 
I need to regroup.  Be by myself for a little bit again.  Come back to reality and stop looking at airline flights.  Stop wondering if I could give up this state that I have come to love and the people that are in my life.  I've had TWO weekends.  TWO. 
God I really need to stop watching Chick Flicks...
UGH.

I wish I could live "now" forever...

I really do wish I could live life now as it is forever.  I know that won't ever happen, but right now, this moment in time, the last two weeks have been probably some of the happiest days I can remember since I moved to Colorado.
I feel as though I have my feet planted, thoughts are not so scattered, I smile, started working out again...AND...I climbed my second 14er. 

(Note the date is from someone else - I just borrowed a sign left in the box - the date of this photo is actually September 26, 2010)

Length: Approx. 8.75 miles roundtrip, Highlights: Highest Peak in Colorado, Great views of Leadville, Twin lakes, Mt. Massive and the intrinsic satisfaction derived from standing on the second highest point in the continental U.S. Elevation Gain: Approx. 4,700 ft. - information from Summit County Explorer.

Yessiree Bob!!! Over 8 hours of hiking up and up and up...Not so much of a life changing or altering experience this time, it was just an overall STELLAR experience.  Of course I give that up to the company I was with.  There were no tears, not a minute of hypervenalating, not a moment of dispair.  Don't get me wrong, it was a killer of a hike, I still cannot breathe that well in higher elevations and the last 600 feet was excruciating - We hiked up over 4,000 feet!!!

This was my hiking crew from L to R Me, CM (besties hubby),Nat (BESTIE),SW(this was her first 14er and she rocked it),MD,Anna & ND. 

MD was my hiking buddy for 90% of the trip up - I'm sorry to say, but i'm kinda glad she had a lot to drink over the weekend so I had someone take up the rear behind me...Nat was upfront most of the way with her INSANELY packed backpack - overloaded with snacks, water and gear and I think she may have packed half the house in there too...She called it training for Everest...I don't doubt she will either...

I sang during some parts of the hike, smiled almost the entire trip, even ran down a little bit of the mountain...

We almost got lost in the woods coming back - my biggest fear, but with CM bushwacking through and a crazy log river crossing we made it back to the car.  Everyone tired, happy and really hating shoes at this point.

It took me two days to get to where I could walk almost normally again.  I have never in my life ever felt pain like that in my life.  I went to a Rockies game on Monday night and almost cried trying to get down the stairs at Coors Field. 

So now, life is just anxiously waiting to board that plane to Austin on Friday...we'll see if these stupid damned storms keep me away from making life 100 % perfect....

Giddy doesn't even describe it...

A month ago if you asked me if I thought I would be deliriously happy, I would have laughed at you and said not only no, not only hell no, but I would have said Oh Hell Fuck No.
Don't get me wrong, I've been having a blast with my friends and getting pretty comfortable by myself.  I love my standing Happy Hour, loving the random "get down here" to some bar phone calls...
Then I get a random text from a guy friend, and then I agreed to be his date to a wedding.  He'd broken up with his girlfriend and I was as recently single.  Come to Crested Butte and be my date for the weekend for this wedding. 
Oh yes, there was a TON of uncertainty on my part.  A weekend with someone that I don't really know all that well at all...what if we don't get along and how am I going to get home??
I'm still in awe over this weekend...

It was a worry for nothing.  We had the most incredible weekend!!!  We laughed, we explored Crested Butte, we watched football.  He danced with me, hiked with me, was goofy with me, held my hand, was proud to stand next to me, put my shoes on for me after dancing at this wedding,

 (yes I have pictures)

bought me a new winter jacket (it wasn't him buying the jacket or that I even expected it...it was that he wanted to make me HAPPY!!!!).  At the end of our wonderful weekend, driving back to Denver, I couldn't stand the thought of him dropping me off and heading back to Texas.  Since he volunteered to drive the bride and grooms Suburban back to Texas, it was very easy to convince him to stay the night with me at my place.  Just one more night.  I don't want to let you go yet!!!  (Yes, kids, the new bed got broken in thank you!!!) I liked having him there with me.  I briefly thought of GC and sitting with him in tears telling him I couldn't imagine anyone else in my apartment with me but him...well...HAHAAHAAA!   When I couldn't sleep that night, he put my head on his chest and in the most calming voice counted backwards from 40 and held me close until I fell asleep.  WHO DOES THAT??  YES, I understand this is a rebound.  But I deserve to be THIS happy.  I deserve to know what its like to not have to tread on eggshells to be around someone.  I could kiss him in front of his friends and work colleagues if I wanted to.  I could smile at him if I wanted to...He could tell me that He loved me and asked me to marry him at least 3 times over the course of this fabulous weekend in Crested Butte (of course we were both insanely intoxicated) and of course it wasn't meant to be taken seriously and I didn't take it as anything more than words, but they made me smile.  To be with someone who wasn't damaged, wasn't scared...and words such as these could actually be SAID without the thought of them bringing on a panic attack.

How do you describe being THIS HAPPY??  There is only way to describe it is this picture:

I have no expectations for this - whatever it is.  He lives in Austin and I live in Denver.   I don't need to be thinking long term or anything of the sort, but I needed this.  I needed him.  He makes me smile.  He has called me every night to say goodnight and that he misses me.  He called me the last night and made me laugh and he said I can see you giggling right now and your shoulders shrugging as you giggle.  NO ONE has ever paid that close attention to me before.  In 3 days he knows my mannerisms.  I don't think GC could have told you I have freckles across the bridge of my nose.  CB can tell me that I shrug my shoulders when I laugh...
If this is cloud nine - I don't ever want to come down.  EVER.
How strange that I've known this man for the last 5 years of my life.  Not very well, in fact I honestly thought he didn't really like me.  Maybe we just kept "missing" each other, always had someone in our lives.  He left Hawaii for Austin 3 months before I left Hawaii for Denver.  We'd kept in a little contact over Facebook, he called occasionally when he was in town.  I almost met a girl he was dating once when he brought her out here.  Yes, he comes to Denver, quite a bit. 
I have a ticket to go to Austin next weekend.  I am giddy about going.  I am EXCITED about going...and I HATE being in Texas.  If there was one place that I avoided being at all cost, it was Texas.  THAT is how happy this man makes me. 
The only thing standing in the way of me jumping on a plane next Friday is the tropical storm in the Atlantic.  I almost cried with frustration last night...it figures.  I get a ticket and I look forward to going to the one place I hate the most and there is a possible hurricane hitting...
ARGH!!!!

Sherlock Holmes-ing...

SO - I threw the "I will let him do all of the pursuing" rational out the window yesterday...for just a little bit.  I mean, why not say hello and ask Cricket Phone guy how his week was going (via text of course)...after all, it totally makes my day when I get a random text from someone like that...and why not throw some good vibes out into the world and see what we get back?  Actually it was a much better conversation (okay text conversation) than the last one. 
I got to know this about him:  He has some kind of credit card processing company (whatever that is) and a General Contracting company - his guys go into areas hit by hail and such and fix the damage done to property.  (Well, at least he will totally understand my praying for natural disasters!!!)  We texted back and forth a bit about how we were kind of in the same industry (keep in mind this is about 11 or so AM and during business hours, phone conversation not so appropriate).  He enjoys mountain biking - actually a bit crazy about it - I assume its like Nat being crazy about hiking 14ers...I can totally deal with that - ESPECIALLY since mountain biking usually means that the guy is fit if not ripped.  I LIKE THAT THOUGHT.  Instantly had an image of trying to get a photo of him naked in my bed...(sorry)...
Ending about an hour or so of casual texting back and forth (not instantly responding to avoid the assumption of being over eager and too available of course) I get a text from Gretchie. 
"HOW OLD IS HE"...well, damn.  I was so stoked that I was talking to someone who liked extreme sports and was involved with two companies that I totally forgot to ask.

So, being the "detective" that I think I am and having a computer and full access to the Internet, I begin THE SEARCH (i.e. internet hunting going off the only two things I know about him, his first name and phone number.)  WELL, let me tell you, after trying attempts for a half hour on trying to do a reverse phone number look up and not getting anything for free, I broke down and paid $.99 (yes, 99 cents) to find out a little about this guy...like a last name.  (yes, it has dawned on me by this point to just ask him)  Gretchie was texting me I could pull a background check, etc for $14.95...(in fact SHOULD) since he was some stranger asking me for my number at some beer festival.  Point taken, but lets just see what this $.99 will get us. 

It got me a last name.  It got me the area of where he lives (ANOTHER Cap Hill Guy!! Dear Lord God enough already with the Cap Hill guys!!!)

Anyway!! We have a name and he lives in Denver.
Google, Facebook, LinkedIn...
NADA. 
WTF??
EVERYONE can be found.  Can't they?
More searching.  I'm seriously sucked in by this point and Gretchies texts by this point aren't helping curb the intense focused Internet Sherlock Holmes-ing that's going on at this point...(its about 4 pm by now)
AH-HA!  PHOTO!!!  (So at what point are you considered crazy??)
um...dorky photo...and...wait...he's a sales guy for a roofing company.

Well doesn't this just suck.  In my industry roofing salesmen are pariah.  Well.  Alright then...no need to dig anymore about this one...if he asks me out that will be nice.  No sense in turning down a free dinner and possibly drinks.  Especially if he's as cute as I think I remember he is...I am after all a HUGE sucker for blue eyes...wouldn't hurt to take him to a place where one of GC's friends works.  (HEY - I'm at least allowed to be bitter enough to want his friends to tell him they saw me out with some guy - and this guy sure as hell cannot be UGLY!!)
By 5 pm I was exhausted.  Sherlock Holmes-ing, not being able to sleep the night before because the kids in the building decided to throw a 2am party made me nauseous exhausted. Not only exhausted but apparently yelling, screaming and cheering as loud and often as I was at that baseball game is like an intense ab workout.  My lower, middle and upper (if there is such a thing) abs all hurt when I breathe.  My ribs hurt.  I think this is the funniest thing ever...(I now have more of a purpose to scream and yell for my favorite teams.)

I decided that I would make it an early night, do the tanning cocktail and xanax myself so I actually slept through the night. 
Usually when I xanax myself I don't dream, at least I don't remember I dream.  Last night I remember dreaming that I forgot all of my clothes for my trip to Crested Butte this weekend and all I had in my bag were my hiking boots.  I'm not even going to try to think about what that dream means...it probably means I shouldn't be going on this trip to Crested Butte and I should be going hiking with Nat...but yeah...Pikes Peak and a 13 mile hike straight UP? 
HA! HAhaahaaa...

Does the "three day rule" still exist??

Last night I got the opportunity to sit 4 rows up from home plate at the Rockies/Padres game.  I've never gotten to sit in seats like this before!!  I had friends texting me that they could see us on TV for every pitch!!!  (of course I went home and turned on ESPN to see - and THERE WE WERE!!!)  You could even hear us screaming and cheering!!!  We took photos with Dinger, high-fived the ushers, pissed off the people in the UBER expensive seats - where they bring you and your children whatever your heart desires - for a premium price - by screaming and yelling and cheering so loudly that we were absolutely hoarse by the 8th inning.



Well, during the 8th inning...the Crickett Phone guy (Alex) texted me...I was kind of surprised but not giddy - I guess the thrill of those seats took center stage to anything that would get me excited...I mean HELLO - I had #7 Hottie SETH SMITH bending over right in front of me!!! 

I'm not sure how excited or what not one should get over a few texts - especially ones that were pretty "luke warm" by my judgement and not flirty at all (I've dated some pro flirters that make it KNOWN they want to hang out with you) this guy just kinda threw it out there that we should hang out sometime when I had time. 

UM - I'm calling 22 or 23 years old here and very luke warm vibes.  So - my homework for today is to text him and ask him how old he is.

I wish there was a rule book for dating...He was so exciting when I first met him and I jumped on the side cart at Tour de Fat...where is that guy that grabbed my hand and took me back to my friends and got my number??

Maybe some people are better in person??  oh who knows...but seriously - do people still follow the wait for three days before contacting rule?  What other rules are being followed that I thought no longer existed!?!?