Nothing in my life has really changed without him in it. From day one he would ignore text messages, I never had a date on a holiday, spent most of the time by myself trying to figure out what to do with myself. I miss the days when I actually got to see him and spend time with him. I miss having him to fall asleep with, to hug, to talk to, to hang out with.
For some reason last night I got it in my head that he was out on a date. I couldn't get it out of my head and I just felt empty. I was so sad but I couldn't cry.
Its very hard to accept STILL why it ended. Its so much easier when someone does something to you that you can hate them for, be mad at them for, have your friends hate and be mad at them also. Its excruciating knowing that a majority of them still like him, even though they've seen you cry and struggle. I cannot lie, I hung onto the .00000009% chance of having a chick flick movie ending where he realizes that he doesn't want to be without me and that phone call would come saying I miss you and we'd work things out and we'd live happily ever after. I know deep down that is not the case. It never was. Maybe someday we'll be friends, but we will never go back to the way things were. I honestly don't think I was good enough to meet his parents, to be the one he "ended up with". But that's my opinion. I guess the last year of berating myself for not being educated enough, smart enough, politically savvy enough, I didn't come from a better family has really taken a toll on me. I never really thought that I was everything that he would want to end up with. That's my issue. If I don't stop thinking like that, I'll never be good enough for anyone because I'm not good enough for myself.
And that's bullshit. I will be good enough for someone someday. Someday my efforts in a relationship will be not just appreciated and noticed, but returned.
Its funny, thought I would move to Denver and find that person I was looking for INSTANTANEOUSLY. I thought that whatever the issues were that made every relationship fail would stay put in Hawaii and wouldn't follow me here. OH MY GOD was I wrong. Not only did those issues follow me here they have somehow manifested into something HUGE. I have finally stopped running and I'm turning around to face them now, not willingly or because I'm ready to, its because I know I have to. I have to fix my own self esteem. I have to accept that my father may never actually be proud of me or tell me that anything I have done with my life has been anything he could ever be proud of unless he's forced to do so. I was the accident that happened that he never wanted. I wonder how many times he's looked at me and wondered how his life would have been different had I not happened. I lied to myself for a number of years telling myself and everyone else that my dad and I had a great relationship. I guess at one point we might have, but that point has been and gone.
OH DADDY ISSUES - the stuff that party girls, strippers and easy girls are made of...always striving to somehow gain approval from every man they come across because they they could never get the approval of the ONE man in their life they needed it from...
but you know what? I have had a god damned kick ass week. I got new furniture which I love, a new car which I love, I'm going camping with great friends, and my bestie is going to push me to hike a goddamn 14ner. Serious accomplishments on my part, and I should be proud enough of myself with everything that I made happen all on my own in the last 7 days that I shouldn't need him to say he's proud of me. Although I'll never stop hoping that phone call will come too...
Quite frankly, I think GC had a great 7 or 8 months with me doing things that I don't think he'd really have done other wise. I was a great girlfriend. I can honestly say there wasn't ANYTHING more I could have done to make him happy. The only person that wasn't happy was me, and while, yes, I could have probably given him more time, maybe a few more months, been a little more patient, things MIGHT have been better. I doubt it, but maybe. All that I know is I couldn't live with the anxiety anymore, I couldn't live just feeling BLACK inside. I didn't want to live in that relationship anymore. I couldn't mentally take it. I have never felt that low in my life. I was resentful, jealous. I wasn't easy going or chill anymore, I wasn't happy and it started showing in EVERYTHING that I did. I had no motivation and I cried way too much. I'm not an expert in relationships by far but NO good relationship should be like that. Forget the surface stuff that everyone saw. Amongst all the sadness and loss I feel there is an underlying sense of relief. He has probably already met someone he's slightly interested in. Maybe he hasn't but I am not a thought in his mind that is of any significance and I need to give myself time to heal. Time heals the invisible wounds, it makes you forget, it makes you move on and change yourself.
I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that I cannot ignore nor run from my demons and issues. I can't do it if I want any kind of life that has substance. I need to face and deal and accept the great things that I have to offer. I may not change the world, but I can do everything in my power to stop sinking and drowning in my own misery and not be afraid to let people in because of my own short comings. The hardest part is letting go...so appropriate that that song came on this morning...
You know what - I'm going camping this weekend and I'm gonna hike that goddamn 14ner and I'm going to be pissed that GC "took" my last camping trip from me, leaving me in the fucking tent with my sprained ankle and hanging out with MY friends and then ignoring me for a week and I am going to take that anger and hike up to the top of that goddamn mountain and still be pissed cause he did 4 of them and he wouldn't have gotten to do that if it wasn't for me (just so I can make it back down).
"The Hardest Part"
The Hardest Part - Coldplay
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