I DID THAT!!!

This weekend was supposed to just be a get away camping trip with two of my favorite couples that I get to hang out with - of course one of these being the Bestie and her husband.  I had no clue or idea it would be a weekend that changed my life.  It was like skydiving on crack.
I am still on an adrenaline high.  I am still in awe.  I did not forget the physical challenge, I did not forget the mental drain.  I have forgotten what it actually feels like (well except for my calves that is), but I cannot believe that I actually did this.
I hiked a 14ner.  I got my ass up Mt. Sherman.  This girl from Hawaii who HATES working out more than anything in the world.
At 14,036' Mount Sherman is the 46th highest peak in Colorado. Situated in the Mosquito Range, it lies roughly midway between the cities of Fairplay and Leadville.

We got there right before 8 am.  Nat (my bestie), her husband CM, our recently engaged friends LH and Mark.  Mt. Sherman takes approximately 5 hours to complete on average.  It usually takes about 3 hours to summit and 2 hours to come down.  This is all loose rock and no firm footing.  You don't hike straight up...you take the LONG way around.

You take a step and your foot slides half way down.  Its exhausting, defeating and it makes you want to just quit...especially after the last few weeks of emotional hell, not eating much and smoking too much.

Well, GC did three of them on that damn camping trip I had my sprained ankle on.  Like hell I was going to not get up there. 

It was pure hell and torture.  This was not fun.  This was pure physical exhaustion on my part, pure mental anguish and hell.  My besties husband stayed with me every step of the way.  I had to stop every few feet.  I lost my breath,  I saw spots, I almost passed out.  I almost quit and started down the mountain.

After the saddle back, and the climb up toward the summit, probably about when I was reaching about 14,000 feet, I started having a panic attack and hyperventilating. Seriously I thought it was over.  I sat down and just let the tears roll.  My body wanted to quit, my lungs wouldn't cooperate, my legs were like jello and the crazy dizziness and altitude sickness was getting the best of me.  Thank god CM was there.  He sat down next to me and said, you're not giving up and quiting.  You're too close.  Lets go. 

And I stood up and went.  I followed heavy step following heavy step.  The mantra of "one step at a time, one step at a time" going through my head.  Each step was harder than the last, I have no idea how I got as far as I did.  It was sheer will power even when I just wanted to give up so badly and lay everything I had down and call it quits. 

I got encouragement from everyone coming down, You're almost there, keep at it, you're doing great.  Strangers who did not know me but could probably see the defeat and hopelessness written all over my face.

One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other.  10 steps, stop, break, catch breath.  On and on and on it kept going.  I stopped looking up for the summit because it seemed it never got closer.  It was the views and looking out on the world that kept me going.  I have gotten this far.  I will never live with myself if i quit. 

For me this was a life turning point.  I had pushed myself to the point of utter exhaustion for my body.  My mind was in utter shambles.  It was like my life had met me here on this mountain.  For me the mountain was every obstacle I have been trying to clear in my mind.  To prove that I am someone to be proud of.  To prove to myself that I am strong and I can overcome anything. 

I don't think there are words that could describe the minute I thougth I was going to lay it all down, give up and walk back down and I did not give up, but I kept going. 

One foot in front of the other...CM telling me to keep going.  Strangers telling me I was almost there. 

I cannot describe the feeling when I finally reached that summit and I had Nat, CM, LH and Mark all cheer for me as loud as they could.  I cried.  Relief, accomplishment...I did it.  I physically and mentally exhausted myself past anything I had pushed myself before.  I stepped far far out of my comfort zone and believe it or not, made it to the summit under 3 hours. 

I looked out at the ranges and at the world and at that moment I realized that there was nothing in my life that I couldn't push myself through.  It was like I'd conquered my life.  I got a firm grip and a firm footing even when there was none.  I kept my head down and I powered through it.  I had no idea where I was going or what it would look like when I got there.  But I didn't need to know.  All I needed to know was that I could do what I thought was impossible.  The biggest accomplishment of my life.  At the top of that mountain I found the girl who quit her job, packed her bags with nothing guaranteed and not much money and a bunch of clothes in search for a new life.  I found the girl who jumps out of airplanes.  I felt alive and humbled and I don't know how on earth I will ever thank Nat and CM for this. 

SO - I know as much of an accomplishment that this is - I still have a driving force that makes me want to do two more this year.  Like hell I am going to let GC have two more under his belt than me.  And I suppose that this is a stupid reason to put myself under that kind of strain and pain, but it is what I need to stop feeling so inferior to someone who unknowingly made me feel worthless and not equal or good enough.  I need it for myself and I picked up some kind of "fire" at the top of that mountain.  I won't ever forget it.  I may forget the feeling of the physical pain at that moment.  I'll forget everything but the feeling when I got to the top of that summit.  I can do ANYTHING now.  I can get through anything and I'll come out on top and so much of a better person than I was when I was at the bottom.

Finally reaching the summit of Mt. Sherman.   You can't see them, but there were tears behind those glasses...