I can't figure out what to title this one, so I think I'll just start writing and see where this goes.
First off, I had no to desire to write yesterday even though there was a TON to write about. I was EXHAUSTED!!! Extremely entertaining weekend to say the least. One event after another and lots of random outbursts from me that made everyone laugh (thank you vodka).
Last night I had another realization. Probably one that I've had a few times, but I'll go ahead and write it here so I can give myself a pep talk when I'm hitting a low spot.
I am damned good enough. I AM. I may not have gotten to go to get the whole college experience and a degree on my parents dime, but I'll be finishing school on my own dime while working full time and I'm damned proud of it. My parents may not be rich and I refuse to ask them for money. Everything I have is what I have earned. It may not be much, but I'm proud of myself.
Three years ago I left a very good job back in Hawaii. I was dealing with a very bad breakup. A relationship that lasted 3 years. He was my best friend for longer than that. It all fell apart and I realized that being on that island was going to ruin the rest of my life. He was already with someone else before I even moved my things out of our house (story of my life, SERIOUSLY).
To make a long story short, I called a friend of mine I'll call her Rock Star, that was in Colorado. We had been friends for a long time when she lived in Hawaii and I asked her if I could l have a place to stay while I looked for a job and a place to settle. Without hesitation she said yes. That day I started packing everything I had, traded my fabulous little white convertible sports car for a (gulp and gasp and a tear or two) Sedan with 4 doors. I bought a one way ticket and spent the last 6 weeks of my life in Hawaii with my two rebounds, with my friends that watched me lose so much weight that I looked anemic. I had going away parties and I went skydiving. You know what? If you can jump out of a plane 12,000 feet up in the air, my god you can do ANYTHING. And I've kept that attitude. I CAN DO ANYTHING. I left Hawaii in a whirlwind of chaos, so sad, depressed, angry that I wasn't even scared of the crazy life changing experience I was about to give myself.
I got here with nothing but $1000 in my bank account, a car that was on a barge and 6 boxes of clothes. I got a job in 3 weeks. I made new friends. I never even had an inkling that I couldn't make it work. The thought never crossed my mind that I might fail and not find a job, run out of money and over stay my welcome in Rock Star and her husbands house.
Why the fuck should I be sad about GC not loving me? I should be fucking pissed that I gave, gave, gave EVERYTHING that I had to give about me. I fought for his affection, for his love, for a way over or around those god damned walls he put around himself.
I am a catch. I'm pretty, I'm not overweight, I'm funny, witty at times. I have a good job and I support myself. I'm a good person. I'm kind. I give everything that I have to everyone I care about. I'm intelligent and I am self sufficient. Everyone tells me that I was just too nice and giving.
I get that he's closed off and doesn't want to give his heart away again, and for that I cannot be mad at him, I was the same way after getting divorced. That I understand, but I couldn't live my life at a stand still with him anymore and I deserve to find love and someone to be in love with. I still think he is an amazing man with so much potential to be more than he is, but I can't wait for him to get out of his funk. As great as I thought he was, everything started seeping into my life and I started getting mediocre in my life.
I am not that kind of a person. I made things happen in my life. I want things to happen in my life!!! I don't want to be a shell of a human!!! I may not have found the person that I am supposed to be with, probably because the universe knows that I still have my own issues to work out and myself to get comfortable with, but I will. And I won't have to beg for his attention. I won't be out with him and his friends and have a sinking, gut wrenching feeling that I will never mean as much to him as they do.
This weekend I saw one of my favorite singers live and he belted out words to a song that I have been playing over and over and over again ever since. This song flipped my switch and while I still have a feeling of sadness and still miss him, it gave me back my gumption and it made me realize that I have a lot to offer and give and that I can't let this get the best of me...and if it does, I need to get my ass back in an airplane and I need to jump out of it again and find that girl who was fearless and packed my life into boxes to find a better life for myself.
I sang that song at the top of my lungs to GC during that concert. Jack gave me the words that I'd been searching for...I realized during that song that I could have tried to be more patient and putting myself through more anxiety, getting sucked in by him, but I do deserve more. He can have his friends and he can be happy with them. He can start dating the next one who he won't be able to give anymore to...He can have his bars and his love for what is his life...I need someone who will give me his heart...
"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"
- Jack Johnson
Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But it's my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you
I can't always be waiting waiting on you
I can't always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Won't this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well I'm already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Well if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I can't always be waiting waiting on you
I can't always be playing playing your fool, fool.
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