I read a blog last night that made me think about how much I whine and cry over how sad I am, how devastated I am, how much I allow someone to make me feel unworthy and not good enough.
I focus on bullshit on my life and I forget that I am doing exactly everything and then some that I ever wanted to do...and I CAN do exactly everything and anything I can think up. Even bad, evil and really bad things, but lets focus on things that bring GOOD karma right? My attempt at humor this morning while very very tired and sans my Adderall. Didn't have time to get the new script filled on Friday.
I have started to get comfortable with myself. This has taken a LOT of work. I still get very lonely and the thought flickers through my head that I could call HIM and say I'm lonely, I just need some no strings company...uh - yeah - DUMB idea there kid. That's what you just got yourself out of!!!
I've been able to turn acquaintances into very good friends. I've realized the freedom I have to not have to answer to ANYONE but myself. If I don't want to go home all weekend, I don't have to. If I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't have to. I don't have to think about someone else's feelings when I make plans with my friends. I can take off to be a date for a guy friend without having any guilt. I can watch re-runs of Jersey Shore all day if I want to and not feel bad that I'm not watching something that won't rot my brain.
This weekend was Tour de Fat - it ranked up there like Halloween for me. Sunshine, costumes, beer and people watching. F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S. A random little music festival, college football and dinner at the Magees to complete Saturday. Sunday included hiking up to St. Mary's Glacier, falling on said glacier and sliding down a few feet - and getting up and laughed at myself and wings at Tommyknockers and witnessing the last 5 minutes of the Broncos first game this year...
Friday night I helped a friend pick up the pieces of her heart as she helped me so many weeks ago when my relationship ended. It doesn't matter if its only been 8 months or 3 1/2 years like hers was. Blindsided or fighting the inevitable, heartbreak is heartbreak and I watched the same fussiness, the same sadness, the same random tears outbreak, all the while knowing that as much as I wished I could take all of that away from her, there was nothing I could do but just be there to listen or whatever she needed. And reassure her as SO MANY people reassured me - there is LIFE after this. And you will Love it. Its going to suck for a while, but that's why you have your friends.
I promised her as I promised myself - your fake smiles will somehow become real, your fake laughter will dissipate and you will throw your head back and laugh. You will find JOY in your life once again.
OH - a SUPER cute boy asked me to hop on some side bike at Tour de Fat and I just jumped on. Got sit on his lap. His name is Alex and he asked me to dinner. He texed me that very day and I waited hours to text him back. He hasn't responded and I don't really care. HUGE IMPROVEMENT for me :-) it didn't hurt that I googled his number and it came up as a Crickett phone. I don't think I'm missing out much with this guy, but if he does end up calling at least I'll get dinner bought for me (novelty!!!) by a cutie.
...you know what? I think I like this person I'm evolving into.
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